I haven't been back on this site for a while, and it's because about a month ago, after another failed attempt at reconciliation with H, I made the most difficult and painful decision of my life to finally let H and my marriage go for good. I needed to acknowledge to myself that I have done everything I humanly could to DB (thru 4 separations in the last 3 years) with little success, and I was finally (sadly) ready to end my journey of winning H back. After about 2 weeks of little to no contact with H, he stopped by the house on Father's Day night and half-heartedly told me he wanted to reconcile again. I told him "I can't". I have NEVER before turned down H when he wanted to get back together before. I explained to him that I was suffering from a broken heart and needed to take care of myself, that I was beyond scared to try to reconcile for fear of suffering the pain of loss again.
H was silent for a little bit, but then something snapped in him and he began uncontrollably crying and telling me he can't believe he REALLY lost me. I guess he figured before, he could always come back because I'd always take him back. We were both crying. He begged me for 2 hours to give him just one more chance. I told him I didn't have another chance in me (which was true at the moment). He asked me what he could do to make things right. I told him I couldn't give him that answer because he needed to figure things out for himself. He left that night promising me that even though I have moved on, he would fight for me and wait for me if I ever decide to give him another chance.
Since then, H has called me every day, many times a day, most of the time I don't answer because I really don't know what to say. The biggest change H made was that he actually enrolled himself in individual counseling. Before, H was AGAINST individual and marriage counseling. He always said "I don't need someone telling me what I'm doing wrong..." My fear was that H enrolled in counseling IN ORDER TO get me back. This is not the right reason to go. So I told him my fear, and also told him that even if he went, I couldn't promise him anything. He told me he understood and that he was going for himself. He told me that after counseling, even if we didn't get back together, he would atleast be a better father for our kids, and ultimately a better man.
Something strange happened last night that I wanted to share with you all. H has been asking me all week if he could come over and we could talk. I have turned him down every time because I didn't want either of us to get hurt. But, last night I decided to let him come over because our D's wanted to see him. So, he asked me if I wanted him to pick up dinner. I told him yes, that I was in the mood for Chinese. So, he picked it up.
About 3 years ago, before H and I started having M problems, we were eating at a Chinese restaurant. After dinner, there were 3 fortune cookies on the table. H grabbed one and gave it to me, but I told him to put it down. I said that it's only your true fortune if you're the one who picks out your cookie (I know...very superstitious of me). So, he picked one and I picked one. I don't remember what mine said, but this is what H's said "You and your wife will be happy in your life together". H showed it to me and he stuck it in a picture pocket in his wallet, so he could see it whenever he opened it. He kept it there for 3 years. This last time we separated, I looked at H wallet one day and noticed that he had taken it out and threw it away...
Last night, after we all got done eating, I spread the fortune cookies out on the table. There were 6 cookies and 4 of us. H grabbed one first, then me and the girls. When H read his fortune, he looked at me and said "V, this was definately meant for me" He showed it to me with tears in his eyes. It said "You and your wife will be happy in your life together".
I don't know if H and I will ever get back together. I am still too afraid at the moment to reconile with H for fear of any more broken hearts. I just wanted to share this story with anyone who wants to read this, and hope it might mean something for someone, wherever they are in their journey...
Please pray for H and I, as I will pray for all of you...
Thank you for sharing this. It is such good news that he is going to IC. I agree with you that it's a good idea to take it slow and let him get the help he needs before jumping back in to a R.
I will definitely be praying for you and your family.
~ Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I believe you did the right thing. Have you shared the DB or DR book with him? Father's Day can be an emotional time. That can trigger a lot of pushed down feelings. At least he is not numb and you are logical. My H also saved a fortune that said "Your greatest wish will come true," next to a photo of my D. I think your story is very bittersweet. Be patient.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Hi, I have never posted before but have been around lurking for a long time as I have been through 3 separations in the last 4 years. I am here alone again! Scorpio Girl I thought I was the only one that has had my H move in and out and have had to deal with the anxiety, stress and having my heart broken. We have no children, we have been married for almost 27 years and I also have taken him back each time. The first time he moved out he was gone for 6 weeks, the 2nd which was May of 05 it was 10 weeks, and this time he has been gone 8 weeks and counting. There is no OW. He is unhappy. We have been to therapy, joint and individual. I have a wonderful therapist I see weekly who keeps telling me I am ok. My therapist is the one that suggested he move out the first time. My H finally went on medication, right before he moved out this round. He is depressed and of course I worry now that he is feeling better that he will only still blame me for his unhappiness and not focus on what is really the problem. He always claims that when we reconciled that I asked him to come back. This move out I will not let him come to our house as in the past he cut the grass lawn stuff etc. This was very hard on my part as that is my only chance to see him but I am hanging strong and cutting the grass alone! We have only contact with email and some phone. We stopped joint counseling 2 weeks ago as he wanted to bail and the therapist suggested I stick with my own therapist and he got H to stay with him. My H has no friends. We were in joint counseling for " divorce counseling" not to reconcile. Counseling is counseling states my therapist. I hope my h is still going weekly, but I have no control over that.
I don't know if I can offer much advice. I have used Michelle's techniques for years and I not sure I can say I am successful... but well read for sure. I think that you are doing the right thing by not giving in to his begging and pleading. I think I would tell him that he should continue to go to therapist, work on himself and if it is for real or in the "cookies" that you will see where this takes you both. I am going to go back and see if I can read your situation in previous posts. Maybe you have a list of goals of what you want in a relationship or a marriage that you could have ready down the road to show him. I have done that in therapy and believe me it was an eyeopener for my spouse as I said this was my goals for any marriage or any relationship, not just to him. My goals were specific, such as we were friends, emotional and intimate connection... his were get a job and keep the house clean type stuff...great huh? I think I may tell him to quit calling and coming over and maybe have one day a week you have contact. Not sure how that works with children.
Your story did help me this a.m as I am so alone and like I said feel like I am one of so few who has their husband move in and out. It is so hard and I really hear your pain as I can not keep doing this. The stress and anxiety and pain and worry of looking down the road is horrible. He keeps breaking my heart also. I keep saying fix it or end it. I have been threatened with divorce so often. Therapist says he is not going to do it and I should just hang in there but this is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I have been semi dark and letting him know I am fine and GAL even if I have a hard time alone every day. One thing that I have done in joint counseling is tell him that I have had enough and that the clock is ticking, I am 52, and I still have a chance of rebuilding my life either alone or with some one else and I am not going to keep doing this... We either fix it or end it. I have choices also and have been told it is not what he wants this time it is what I want.
I hope this helps and finding your post this a.m really helps me. I am so alone, no children, I don't work outside the house and my friends are supportive but I live in married suburban land and other than a health club I work out almost everyday I have long days and nights. Friends are sick of this situation so I have pulled back from talking about it. Thanks for posting!
I'm glad you all think I'm doing the right thing. I just feel like I NEEDED to let go right now for my own sanity.
Terey-I know what you have gone through! For the last 3 years, H has installed a revolving door in our marriage. I ultimately had to acknowledge that it was only a revolving door because I never put my foot down. I too have held up the fix it or end it card to H. This time around, I am not holding up that card anymore. I'm comfortable and confident with my decision to move on with my life with no influence from H. I don't know if what I'm doing is right for anyone else. So, please don't take my post as any advice of any sort. I'm really really doing it for my own sanity. H has broken my heart too many times to count. Do I think he's serious about changing this time around? Sadly...no. I'm hopeful, but I can only go by our history together. The good news is that I have allowed myself to start really mourning and healing from the loss of my marriage. I am no longer looking to H for any answers for my own life.
If we do end up back together, it is only by God's will and no influence from me. If we don't, I will be able to look forward and say, without a doubt, I have no regrets.
Stay strong Terey, as well as everyone else, and ((hugs)) to you.
Thanks and believe me this stuff tests anyones sanity. I just went and looked at your previous posts and see that roller coaster ride is very similar. I also question going dark, get that pit in the stomach feeling and learned what chronic anxiety is. I also have had that revolving door, the ole that's it H goes I want a divorce I'm moving out. My last response was let me help you pack. He always goes and signs a 6 month lease although I and therapist tried to get him to go to residence inn or week to week. He once told me that when he goes he absolutely believes this is it and that is why he signs a lease. Funny thing this time he is back in same apartment he leased in dec 03/jan 04. The exact same one. Ground hog day movie stuff. He this time didn't want me to know where he was.... took me about 15 minutes to find him.
I too have been hurt and subject to verbal and emotional abuse and I have seriously questioned our history together. My H is so immature in the relationship department. I am not sure how long you have been married but it is harder as you get older to make that move. I also see you work which is great. We have a lot of assets together here but I have not worked in a long time and this move out is financially draining us. I am on a tight budget for the first time in this move out. I also live in midwest state that has a 12 month separation file. He has never filed, lawyer consultations on both our parts, he tends want things all wrapped up before seeing a lawyer, wants me to decide on settlement offer etc. I know the divorce law inside out by now. He has problems with the law.
You sound like you are doing so well. I keep telling myself that this has to be what I want and on here I take the advice of others with a lot more weight as people here have been in our shoes and feel it. Do what is in your heart and leave open the possiblity of you changing your feelings day to day. If if does feel right do what you feel, if it doesn't feel right try doing nothing for a while. Hope this helps, you certainly have helped me!
Whats your history? How long was each separation? Was there OW each time? If yes, same one? Just curious....
I am struggling with my H having an OW - i got that fortune cookie recently during separation and I have saved it as well. I hope it means that we'll get back together one day, and if not, that I will remarry some other great guy and will still be happily married. I want that. But for now, I will live happily and accept that thats enough.
Terey - I have always tried to live by "If you don't know what to do about it, don't do anything at all." So, if you're not sure what step to take yet, if you're not sure you want to move on...it's best you stay put until you are confident in a decision. This is where I'm at now. I NOW am confident that I CAN'T be with him now, or maybe ever. It's not about I don't want to be with him, because I still do. H even told me that when I looked in his eyes with tears down my face and told him "I can't because you broke my heart." He said, he felt my conviction. He FELT I was truly done.
Jazz - I can only say that me "leaving" H for good was the ONLY thing that seemed to really make him acknowledge that we aren't together and may never be. H told me that this acknowledgement has scared him more than anything. This was not a LRT or a going dark moment for me. I truly did let him go. But, like I said, this is no advice by any means for anyone here. I just wanted to share my story...
hope - We've been together for 7 years, married for 5. The first separations were for 3 months at a time, but this time it's going on 10 months. H didn't leave me for OW, although both him and I have dated other people through one of our separations. I can understand your struggle with OW, because even though H and I were not together when he dated someone else, I still had those feelings to deal with when we got back together. Almost felt like infidelity.
Every time I come on here and read your sitch's, my heart just aches for all of you as well as myself. I just got to a point in my life where I was filled to the brim with hurt, so I NEEDED to let go.
What H is doing right now (counseling, etc.) is great for him, but I have to be honest and say that I don't have high hopes for his efforts. I PRAY he gets the help he needs, but as for my life right now? I'm living it for me...
To be honest, from what I've seen here, "standing" doesn't work.
Only leaving works.
Jazz, you're standing dude, whether you want to admit it or not
Scorpiogirl, I wish you all the best, it really sounds like you have put forth a herculean effort. I would NOT get back with your H unless he and you go through some serious relationship coaching together as well as individually. Your H obviously has some issues he needs to work out. You're on top of it obviously - good luck!!!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
