I'm afraid your "atta-boys" were unfounded, and NOP's grave concern for the lack of a 100% "no contact" commitment (and some other warning) signs proved to be spot-on.
Yesterday afternoon, after watching my wife get up early to make sandwiches for my boys so that they'd have something to eat "in case I got home from work late," I smelled a rat. I tried to meet her for lunch, but she wouldn't respond to my text messages, so I went by the gym about the time she was due to get off. I watched her and OM both drive off, in their own cars, and take separate routes to meet up at a department store parking lot, where they got into her car and remained for over an hour. Then, they got out, and got into his truck, and drove to his (parents') house, where they remained for about an hour and a half.
I drove home, checked on my kids, and took the spare BMW key, drove to the dept. store parking lot, took S10's baseball bag out of the trunk of my car and put it into the BMW's trunk, left my keys in my unlocked car parked nearby, and drove off in the car that I pay for anyway, and awaited her phone call.
Busted.
She tried to make some lame excuse about meeting him for a THIRD conversation about how they couldn't have any more conversations, and then needing to go to his parents' house to talk to his mom, but I just cut her off and said "Stop. Please, just stop."
I gave her one hour to come meet with me and agree to "100% no contact" to save our marriage, or else I was thru. She asked for 24 hours, but I said "You've had a month, so no, I'll give you only one more hour."
She never showed, and in fact phoned me to chew ME out for following her.
Time to batton down my hatches, financially, legally, emotionally and spiritually. I cut off her cellphone first thing this morning, and had already removed her access to our Savings account. Today and tomorrow, I will complete the necessary precautions.
Choc.
Praise You in This Storm words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You and raised me up again my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I am so sorry to hear that you had to go to these extremes Choc but I guess we have to do what we have to do to protect and (hopefully) save whatever is still left.
I am with you all the way - take care
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
WOW, is all I can say. You are bad A$$! I'm sorry that she's doing what she's doing, but I'm so glad that you are having the strength to deal with it the way you are. I truly think she's going to end up groveling at your feet, but hopefully it won't be too late.
And no, our "atta-boys" were not unfounded, cuz they're still there!!!!!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this...but just so ya know. Your WW is following the infidelity script to a "T", as I'm sure NOP's has informed you. She's in the fog...and has been gaslighting you for some time, now she's going to start blameshifting and rewriting your marital history (if she hasn't already).
You are doing the best things possible right now, cutting of her cell phone, taking her off the accounts etc. Do what you have to to protect yourself and take care of your boys.
I know how you feel going through this…believe me…I know.
I was married for 19 years and my X left for my son’s 29 year old baseball coach. I never caught them but I found the cell phone records and after the Speech she admitted that ‘She and so-n-so would probably be together in the future”. That was enough for me!
I went through months of counseling and trying to get her to go. I obsessed about the OM, cell phone records and people telling me that they were seen together. You know the drill..
Like you I battened down the hatches and I wanted to let you know what happened to me so the same thing does not happen to you.
I told the soon-to-be-X that I would pay for groceries, gas and all current bills. She had recently quit her job so I was the sole provider. During that time she was staying out at night and even made out of town trips. I am sure to be with OM. I stayed home with our 4 kids and was devastated, crying and felt like the world was at an end. I lost over 30 pounds in one month.
Here is what you need to know so she does not financially hurt you.
I opened up a new checking and savings account without her name on it. I had a conversation with the Bank president and told him the situation. I opened up a P.O. box and had all mail directed there.
The X went out of tow a week later to a Bank branch where my account was, about an hour away. She convinced the Bank Customer Service girl to transfer all my money ($5k or so) from the new account to the our old account. Then she pulled the money out. I was at work when I checked on the bank balance. It was 0!
I ran down to my Bank and to make a long story short. We called the police. They said nothing could be done since we were married. The Bank apologized for their lack of security and put the money back in my account about 2 weeks later. I had to borrow money to live on. The bank never went back to X. I guess they considered it a lost cause.
About three weeks later, she found my P.O. key and got the mail. I had ordered a new credit card with about a $4k limit. She took it and went out of town for a few days. The Credit Card company called me with a concern that someone other than me was using my new card.
She went on a shopping spree…new computer, clothes, drinks, food, etc…. I don’t know if the Credit Card company ever went after her but they did not hold me liable for her charges.
Here is another one (lol)… While I was at work, she took all my Home Depot tools that I had purchased prior to the Speech back to Home Depot and got the money back. About $500 dollars.
I could go on and on but you get the point. Remember, nothing is 100% protected so plan carefully!
I'll add to what AN just said. Cancel all joint credit cards. Open up new credit card. Open up new bank accounts in your name in a different bank. The post office box is a good idea (but hide the key better).
And $2,500 may sound like a lot of money (okay, it is), but that's the going rate on a halfway decent divorce attorney. (My wife normally charges double that, and she's charged as much as $10 grand on a case that looked to be a p!ssing match.)
Choc, I could be SO VERY WRONG, but, yes, I agree you HAVE to do what you have to do to protect yourself financially, but I still don't know that you are going to end up divorced. I still think she will come around. I just wanted to give you some encouragement in that aspect. Definitely protect, but don't think it's over yet (unless you want it to be).
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Choc, I was shocked at what happened, being a trusting guy myself, I was thinking you two were over the hump.
When I read AdviceNeeded's post and remember some of NOP's posts, this OM/OW stuff gets nasty.
I see you are doing what is necessary and respect you so much for being the detective and the person setting the boundaries.
Had it not been for this forum and observing what happens to M's on another forum, I would have done the same things you did a year ago, just let things slide.
Your situation is a tough one but I see a man acting more steely than I ever have. I am so glad you have NOP working with you on this.
