Hi - i'm new to this website

[hope4whatsbest]

Hi.

I'm new and just wondering if this DBing really works. I've been separated since February.

My husband is someone I don't recognize at all. He tells me he was miserable before the OW and that she has nothing to do with his wanting to be separated.

Everytime I see him, I can not seem to not push and plead to fix our marriage for the sake of our family. I'm surprised at my own resolve to fix things - I'm proud of myself that my marriage vows mean so much to me that I'd want to fix this awful situation.

Having said that, does the DBing really work? I basically have begged and pleaded for my husband to stop seeing OW and to fix this. He finally agreed today to go to MC, though the agenda was not stated. I think its a start. I just hope he'll actually go. He says it drives him crazy that I want to talk about things and I read DB over and over and know I shouldn't but hearing people say it really works will help.

Let me know your thoughts....

[Dr LOve]

Welcome H4WB

First you can not tell your H not to see the OW. It has to be his decision. Begging him and telling him is just going go make it worse.
As for your question does DBing work? Read some of the threads here. Some have worked great, some not so great. Everyone is different. I have found many good friends here. People I have never met and have spilled my guts out to them. They have told me things I didn't want to hear. They have given me hope. My sitch is kind of in limbo right now. I'm not sure what is going on. But I have come a long way. If you want advice we need more info. How long were you married? Do you have any kids?

Husband

[saddadinkc]

Unfortunately welcome H4WB. You are exactly where you need to be. Deep Breath! Feel better? Almost everyone here started right where you are now. My W said almost the same thing verbatim. As you search these boards, you will see that most WAS have the same script that they use. I'm new so I can't tell you if DBing works. I can tell you that following the path you are on defintely won't. Get DB and DR; search these boards for guidance, find people in similar sitch(s). You'll get the hang of it! If you need encouragement; your H is looking for a fix for him. His R with OW has nothing to do with you. Let it go! (easier said then done). DBing is about you and making yourself the kind of person only an idiot would leave. It is all counter-intuitive so don't be suprised if you say: huh?? after reading some of the posts. It will work for you. Maybe you won't get H back, but you will get you back. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace Tom

[Yoyowife]

Hi,
I'm sorry you are here, but it is a great place to vent and get advice. I'm still hoping for my marriage, but have backslid many times. Have you read Divorce Remedy, the sequel to DB, I like it better. It lays it out in steps better.

Yoyo

[nextsteps_4us]

I can tell you what doesn't work, and the begging and pleading definately does not work.

[WAW in the OC]

Hi H4WB,
Sorry to hear your sitch. It is a comfort knowing you aren't alone in your misery. I came here a month ago after my wife told me the same thing. She is currently carrying on an affair w/ 22 yr old and she's 38!

The DBing definitely helped me get back my dignity. It may not always change your H to be the person you want, but you understand that you can only change yourself, not them. I was a wreck before this book, and counseling didn't help much. This book provided more answers than talking to people who are "experts".

The people here are great too. We all know what you're going thru and hopefully it won't last long. Be sure to GAL and keep a PMA. These will keep you going when it feels hopeless. Take care of yourself and you will feel better than you have in years. I make sure to get in a good cry everynow and then but pick yourself up when in the presence of your H. Keep the faith, and my prayers are with you.

[Taiko]

Dear H4WB

Plz plz if u can take away 1 thing from this website or what any of us tell u - its focus on u - your actions. I have been doing the begging pleading for 10 years- affair after affair - no fix. when i came to this website and started CHANGING me - things started to change for me. U HAVE TO WORK AT IT - HAVE PATIENCE - results come. my tips for changing:

1. NEVER PLEAD OR BEG or CRY - always do opposite to what u have been doing
2. GET A LIFE FOR U - for me this event meant going to a bookstore in eveing buying coffee reading a book!
3.NEVER bring up the M or ur R in front of H.
4. Never talk about future
5. Change your image/ hair do - how u dress
6. change routine
7. spend time with freinds/make some new friends.
8. Always look GOOD when H around - smell good - small things
9. Leave nice lingerie in your bathroom - b mysteriouse - have fun
10. Read about OW on web - they are never happy, insecure - if he cheats on u to be with OW - he will cheat on OW. NEVER LASTS
The OW is more insecure then u - YOU are the WIFE. Affiars dye after time when reality hits in
11. So CHANGE - If u love him fight for your M - with dignity.
12. Dontcall him as much - u will notice he will start calling u

SO NO CRYING, PLEADING etc - dont even mention the M to ur H - TRUST ME IT WORKS - I did not think it would - but 6 months later - I feel i have some control and self respect.

TRUST ME HIS ATTENTION will shift from OW to u. My H is a hard man - some of the above worked. so he talks about getting help for his affiars- he talks about our M now - not me. Good place to be - it took LOTS LOTS of work - I was dying inside- it was hard, I was hurting, I was angry, I was betrayed. TRUST Me change for u - he will notice.Keep posting here - it REALLLY Helps. I am in Middle East - these people on the site have really helped me thru some tough times.

So come on u can do this - U be stronger for it.Pray 4 u

[hope4whatsbest]

Oh how nice to see you all respond by the time I woke up this morning!! This will be such a good site for me..

So my whole situation... I'm 35 and my H is 36. I have a mom in law who has made my M hell. We have a 3 year old son and things had been going well, with some issues. I thought it was just typical M ups and downs. In August I got pregnant and that is the same WEEK my husband began talking with 21 in college (family friend). By November, I had no idea why things so bad. My whole pregnancy not good. H said he needed space and we'd "date" and fix marriage. Only excuse to start being with 21 year old (who by the way has lived out of state during whole 9 month relationship and will be moving here in 2 weeks to go to very prestigious law school which wont unfortunately start until Labor Day). Was "dating" me and her until I found out about her and then the dating me stopped. I've had to file for D just to get things resolved - he would have liked to keep the status quo for longer. Too hard on me emotionally and financially.

So I feel like I've lost everything - who signs up to spend the rest of their kids lives only every other weekend? - not most moms of 3yr old and newborn. But that is what is happening - I get them 65% of time. In my free time, I'm going out and making new friends. Having fun actually but when he comes around to get kids, I just get so angry and I plead for him to work on marriage. I really feel like he and she are going to have to live in same town a while and see how difficult affair could be. Until now, they see each other on weekend getaways - well can't everybody be in love when there are no responsibilities?
I've read most affairs die a "natural death" within 6 mos of discovery and that reality has to set in, they cannot live in bubble anymore?

I am hopeful? that when she gets here and law school starts in Sep, things go sour and he wakes up. But then I feel like that says so little about me - that I would be willing to be someone's leftovers. I respect myself so much better than that and everyone tells you you should never take them back. I'm torn between wanting him to come back (DB says its always best to fix marriage when kids involved) and wanting to find someone else before that could happen so if he comes back, I could just laugh. He's got so many issues financially and all that I sometimes just think...cut bait.

So being here will definitely help. I want to be able to look my kids in the face one day and say mommy tried EVERYTHING to make it work...

Did I tell you my H agreed to go to MC - I'm going to try to make it the only time I communicate with him - all other times, I won't call (I don't now) or anything. We are supposed to start this week if he'll actually show up. I told him there were no other conditions on it, meaning I did not expect him yet to break it off with OW.

How do they know we're having so much fun, etc...if they don't ask and don't live with you? GAL makes me happier but how do they see it?

Thanks guys!

[JAK58]

H4wb,

DO just what Dr says, if it doesn't work do something diiferant. Apparently what you are doing is not workiong so DO the opposite.

DO NOT talk about the R at all. Nor talk about OW.

Act as if, like you are going on with your life with or without him.

Validate what he says and if you can't say nothing, Do not argue.

Do 180's (the opposite of what you would normally do.Think back to when you were first dating and what attracted you to each other and try to bring some of that back.

JAK