Potential for confusion: spousal support (ss) guidelines will vary by state. Social Security (SS) is federal.
Your original question was about "spousal maintenance" but I believe the common terms are "spousal support" and "separate maintenance," the latter term being used more often in cases of legal separation.
Matilda, just my two cents. I didn't do the whole discovery thing, which saved time and money. Instead, I used income figures from the prior year tax return and came up with spousal support and child support figures. I asked for 100% equity in my house and got it. I asked for XH to pay 100% of college expenses and got it. I asked him to pay the cost of re-training for me, and got it. I got half his 401(k) and 30% of the debt. He paid 100% of the taxes due to state and IRS the last year we filed jointly (which it turned out he didn't pay -- but the decree will help me claim "innocent spouse" status). He got new life insurance policies payable to each of the kids, and one for me in the amount of the total spousal support due over 8 years. That way, even his death wouldn't compromise me or the kids. He paid 3/4s of my L fees (and I had a great L who was a partner and advocate for me -- I completely trusted her and she was worthy of my trust).
When you have videotape in a state where adultery is still against the law, you have "leverage". :-)
My point is -- ask for what you want, and make it easy and pretty reasonable for him. Draft a Settlement Agreement with a L and get it to him or his L. And, if he's ready to bolt, he'll take it.
My XH quit his partnership at a law firm six months after the bomb to "start his own firm". It was an attempt to hide income -- but using the IRS figures gave me a baseline and credibility. The court likes that. Since he quit, his income has faltered because he's not much of a business man, but our agreement has a provision that spousal support cannot be altered for any cause, and child support can only be changed if my income rises to a certain level. If he "voluntarily reduces" his income, the support amounts don't change.
You really do have to look out for your best interests, and those of your kids. Get a really good lawyer -- not the cheapest, or the one who's your neighbor's kid. Interview 3 or 4 and go with your gut.
What a bonus you have, to benefit from so many experiences here. That's what's great about this bb.
Hi NNP. I didn't mention to you that I had started this thread since it was a very specific question I asked. I'll start another "regular" thread when I feel I have something worthwhile to say. I still feel like I got run over by a train!
Just when I think I've got my emotions under control I get blind sided again. H was over yesterday and asked if I had my figures together yet for our financial settlement so we could make a joint decision. I tried to explain that I was waiting until I figured out my living conditions so I would have real figures to base my needs on. He blew up and said if I expected to get more money than what he had already offered he would just declare bankruptcy! I am sick and tired of hearing "What I offered is MORE THAN FAIR!" How can it be "more than fair"? He offered 50% of our assets & $500 for alimony for two years. This after 30 years of marriage and his salary 3x mine!
To add insult to injury he said something along the line that the money didn't matter as much to me because I could just marry a rich man and be taken care of. He needed money to attract a woman. Now he wants me to be happy with less so I can help support a future girlfriend/wife!!!!
Your H is trying to bully you into a bad settlement. Don't spend any more time getting your figures straight. You know enough to get started. Meet with your L soon to discuss what is typical in your state.
Certainly you need to address the retirement benefits as a #1 priority. Half of the overall total (yours + his) would be the minimum starting point, but since his earning potential is more than yours, you should probably get more.
Since you have established income, the length and amount of spousal support is hard to guess at, but it seems like his offer is pretty low.
As for bankruptcy, that's just a bluff. Bankruptcy is a pretty severe step, that people who are heavily in debt still try to avoid.
What do your state divorce laws say about spousal support? Do you have an attorney you are consulting with about the settlement agreement? Mediation is a wonderful thing BUT when dealing with a bully like your husband you need to know your state laws and you need an attorney who has worked within the family court system of your county. One who would know what a judge is likely to give you should you go to trial.
After 30 years of marriage his offer is laughable. You need to blind side him with the truth. Click on the link below and scroll down until you find your state. Read what the law says about spousal support. I'd be willing to bet that his 2 year offer in no where near what you are entitled to.
Also, bankruptcy laws have changed. He can't just go out and file for bankruptcy. For one thing, family law courts are used to spouses who try to pull that stunt to get out of paying spousal or child support. They don't like it. Also, bankruptcy laws have changed. You have to actually prove you don't have the income to cover your debt and I doubt he would be able to do that.
Thank you for you wise words and web site, Mike and Cathy. Illinois seems to be vague with the wording: "equitable, not necessarily equally". Finding out what is typical decision by a judge makes sense.
Guess I have been waiting to hire a lawyer until I could talk without crying. Some days I can; other days it is difficult. Also, have been waiting to get past the anger so I can be somewhat rational.
Once I get through tomorrow (my non anniversary)I will hire a lawyer!
Main thing is I have to stop trying to be friends with my H. Many of you have said that! I just thought our R was going to be different. If he really was such a great friend he would be working on our marriage and not asking for a divorce!!!!!!!!
