I just moved from Newcomers to Piecing! It looks like I'll be moving East, as well. See my story in Newcomers for the details behind the Boston references.
I/we survived the trip to Boston over Memorial Day weekend. We had a lot of fun. Traveling together can be stressful during good times, so I thought it was great that we did as well as we did. Not one argument!
I let her know that Boston was too chaotic for me to live in the city and I liked cities of around 200,000 people. We went to Worcester, and we both liked it a lot. Home prices there are almost the same as Denver, and it's only 45 minutes from Boston, and has a commuter rail. Boston has an excellent subway system as well.
She told me when we got back that we have a lot in common and she missed that. She said we both where at fault for our relationship problems, which is something I wanted her to admit. The problem is she said she didn't want a lot of questions, and doesn't want to talk about it (IT being the affair).
I told her I do have a lot of questions and while I realize I may never get some answers I'd like to have at least a little counseling to better our relationship. She hasn't really responded to that. Part of her problem has always been to sweep problems under the rug and never mention them again. I guess I'll use my last phone coaching session for advice on how to proceed with piecing and recovering from an affair. I want us to do the intensive session with Michelle, or failing that, to get some kind of counseling to help us get past what happened. It's good that she acknowledged it, and wants to get back together, but it's going to be very hard for me to re-establish trust. I'll keep up the DB support myself either way, but I'd like her to get some help, too.
She also told me that she realized she'd made a mistake but my behavior (see my Newcomer thread) drove her further away. Newcomers, take this as advice directly from a WAW!! You can't start the 180s too soon. I wonder how much faster things could have worked had I not done the clinging, begging, snooping and confronting. Ah, well. I can at least serve as a bad example as a warning for others!
1.) Haven't made it to piecing yet,,don't know if I ever will! 2.) I can't just pick up the phone, call you & meet you 10min. later to talk,,,say "hi" to the kitties for me! Pity Party for me!!LOL!
You're a great guy and I hope she doesn't blow it! Good-Luck buddy and hope to hear from ya soon!
Kim
M44H44 M18 T22 Sep7yrs-3/10 S23,22,15,11 10/07I file 2/08D postponed by H 2/09D on 3/09H moves in 8/09I kick H out 9/09H-PA 10/09-2/10mediate 3/10OW discoved 5/10H&OW engaged 7/10DDay w/atty
Some good books to help out: "Getting Back Together," and a marvelous one for understanding affairs and working through them is "Not 'Just Friends," by Shirley Glass.
One thing I've decided to insist on is once a month MC. Not to deal with the A, but mostly to help facilitate communication and help insure that my H and I are communicating regularly. I figure one hour 12 X a year, every year for the rest of our marriage is a very reasonable commitment. This way we can make sure that at least some things are being addressed in a "safe" environment with a neutral third party. And as far as money goes it's definitely MUCH cheaper than divorce!
Good luck to you and congratulations!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
dmr165 -- WOW, a DB'ing success story. I imagine that there's still alot of work ahead but it's pleasing to see that with proper BD'ing, opportunities happen. I'm happy to read that it's happening for you. I can only hope it will happen for me. Good luck.
I think DBing is always a success even if it isn't enough to hold a marriage together. You never lose anything by trying, and the lessons themselves (GALing, 180s, positive attitude, etc...) are very healing. Even if a marriage ends you would at least know you did everything possible to try and keep it together. (Can't regret that!!!) And that is a type of success.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Well folks, I'm one day into Piecing and I've already experienced for myself what the wise people on the boards are saying. Piecing is very hard work, just like DBing in general. My wife steadfastly refuses any type of counseling - I was really hoping we could do the intensive with Michelle, since where close to Boulder.
She won't talk about the A at all, never mind answering any burning questions I have.
But, I'm trying to keep the right attitude. I'll check out the books that were mentioned by runningoutoftime.
We had a little argument about trust because we've both done some snooping and told some little white lies. We're each trying to stake out boundaries and she's holding everything back until we move. The fresh start will be good, but I hope she'll grow to realize that problems move with you if you don't change the root causes. But, by sticking to what I learned in Divorce Remedy, I (hopefully) didn't let it get too out of control. At some point, some things have to be discussed - I will try to change her only by changing the way I interact with her, but sometimes I have to have a counter argument when she's listing my faults or complaining about things.
Today my W saw my brother and his family for the first time since the bomb. It went well, although as late as this morning she was emailing me asking if my family hates her. My family doesn't hold grudges and they have no problem accepting her back into the fold.
BTW, we are still separated. She is staying at her apartment and I am getting the house all fixed up to sell (sigh - all the things I wanted to do to it for 5 years and never got around to - now for someone else!). This gives the cat a safe haven when I have contractors in the house (and protects them, since our cat is large and, let's just say cranky!), but part of it is she still needs to move slowly, and have space. She said she needs time before we "are intimate" because she had been with someone else, so I know it weighs heavy on her mind.
I really think there's a lot of guilt and she has so much trouble with it since she keeps everything in. I can't tell you how many times over the years she made very disparaging remarks about anyone who would commit adultery. In her mind, when she did it, I know she was convinced it was different because she was leaving me for good ad that was that. Then.... she felt she made a big mistake and it was hard to face up to what she'd done.
The things that still trouble me a lot are:
1) She refuses to talk about what happened with our relationship, the affair, etc. She has admitted she made a mistake and that's that.
2) She will hug and kiss me, but she does kind of pull away if I linger too long, and she gets all nervous. Not in a good way like people who are just falling in love. I think it's the guilt.
3) Not one single ILY since she agreed to try to start over. I admit, I've only "said it" via email, but no return. She did tell me she doesn't feel "overwhelming passion" but "more like companionship" and she has said that she missed how much we have in common. I told her that nobody has a relationship for years on end that is like the romance a new relationship brings. But the key is to develop that companionship all that.
4) She will not consider counseling under any circumstances. I'm considering an ultimatum when we get closer to moving. If I'm willing to move halfway across the country for her, she can give me 2 hrs with Michelle at the DB clinic in Boulder. We'll see. I'll have to play that card when the time comes, not too early.
Keep in mind it takes months to get anywhere. Those ILYs and affection can take a long time. I'm very mushy, huggy, kissy and didn't let my husband's holding back bug me. I just overwhelmed him with affection! And it took months for him to return the ILYs. According to books on this the typical healing time for an affair is between one to two years.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
1965, great to see you have moved to piecing! Read over your sit, your wife sounds very much like my h, as far as the talking goes. He wount really talk about much, he wount talk about his feelings. He does tell me he loves me and wants to be married. I have asked him to do MC and IC and he wount, he feels it will just open everything up again. I go to IC and he is terrified that they are going to tell me to leave! So he is in a way trying to get me to stop going, which I wount. Like you I wanted answers, there was and still are alot of unanswered questions, but I had to ask myself do I really want those answers, what would it change by me knowing, would it make it harder to forgive and forget, and for me the answer was yes, so I have decided to leave it alone and try to work towards the future.
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Hey folks, thanks for the info and advice. She has been increasing contact - she even calls me now instead of just emailing!
She's very animated and happy when we talk about moving to MA. I try to remind myself it's not just because she's getting what she wants and being in control, but that it's something she's wanted all her life and she lived out West with me for 14 years and never liked it.
You've worked very hard on the DBing, GALing, etc. and its' your turn to be rewarded!
YOU'RE MOVING???!!! I'm gonna cry!! 
