Hi everyone. I had some trouble with my other thread, things have changed, so I thought I might as well start a new one.
I found out today that my X married the woman that he left me and our children for. It took him 5 years, but he finally did it. Apparently, they had a small ceremony a couple of weeks ago. His mother wasn't invited---but his Dad and his Step mother were there (which didn't surprise me, because they are so buddy buddy--she's the best thing that ever happened to him after all.)
It's been two weeks--he has had the boys one of those weekends, plus a couple of Tuesdays--and he hasn't told our children.
I don't know who this man is anymore. I am so disappointed, once more. I honestly don't know what I feel. I guess that I am not surprised--after all, it's been 5 years since he left. 1 1/2 since he stopped really hanging around here. Still, I have this hollow feeling. I've cried a little--maybe just for what I thought my life would be. Maybe for the loss that I feel my kids have had.
Maybe it's that little nagging feeling that he chose her over me once again in such a final way. Even tho' we all know that there is nothing final about marriage. We learned that the hard way. And even tho' I knew that he was never coming back here. Still, I guess there was always that little crack I had in the door. Well, he soundly slammed it in my face.
I guess I think that he could have had the decency to tell me. I think that I deserved that much from him. We were married 20 years, we had three children together---and I have to hear this from someone else.
Didn't our kids deserve to hear this from their father before the wedding date? It's not like it wasn't planned.
He has our kids tomorrow for a bit. My mother told me that if he doesn't tell them tomorrow, that I need to before they hear it somewhere else. I need opinions on this. I think that they need to know--I just am not sure that I should do it, at least not without telling him that I am going to.
So many feelings rolling around. Maybe this will be closure. I wish that I could bring myself to wish him happiness, but I can't....not with her. That may be petty,but I hope that they make each other miserable.
Why not tell him HE needs to tell the kids? Then he'll know you know also.
As for why he hasn't told the kids - hmmm, doesn't exactly sound like a guy who's thrilled and happy to be marrying his soulmate now, does he? Usually those delusional types want their kids to be IN the wedding! I'm guessing he's ambivalent, maybe he felt trapped into it, maybe he just did it for tax reasons. Whatever. Would you want to be HER, knowing he wouldn't even tell his own children that he married her???
Hi guy! Thanks for the quick replies. My X has the boys today, and we will see if they have heard when I get home tonight. If not, I considered calling him and asking if he plans on telling them and when. Or heck, maybe I'll just sit them down and tell them myself. But then I think---maybe he should be the one to see their faces when he tells them.
I have been trying to warn them of this for a long time, since I felt that eventually it would come. Still, my sons didn't think that he ever would. After all, 'she's ugly, boring, and the biggest wimp'--they say. Apparently she has something--or they are both just needy people.
Today I feel ok--not as down as I thought that I would be, although I would be lying if I said that it didn't bother me. I didn't sleep well at all last night and kept waking up with that stupid Big and Rich wedding song in my head. Maybe he's finally found 'the one'.
I saw a show advertised--'The Starter Wife', and realized I was the starter wife. They say that is what the first wife is, the second is the trophy wife. Well, my X just got the booby prize!! :-)
Well, he didn't tell them Tuesday night either, so I tried to call him and got no answer. So I just thought, screw it, and decided to tell them on Wednesday. The only thing I regret depriving him of was the look on their faces, which broke my heart. I told my oldest son that if his dad didn't say anything about it this weekend, then he needed to ask him about it before they came home on Sunday.
Ellie, I really don't know what is going on as far as their relationship goes. I'm getting to the point that I really don't care anymore--and I personally hope that she is miserable. I think she's earned that. Maybe one day he'll wake up from his mid life crisis and realize what he lost. Maybe he'll always be in this altered state. His mother even told me that he had changed. I don't think that she means for the better.
I have decided to talk to a banker about the house loan. I don't know if any of you remember, but when we D'd, I got the house. I also got the loan. :-P Anyway, I went to the banker after the D and spoke with her about putting the loan in my name only. She thought that it would be in my best interest if I left it in both of our names due to closing costs, appraisal and raised interest rate. Especially since there were only 6 years left on the loan---if he didn't mind keeping it that way. He didn't, so I didn't change it. Now, I think I should. I have 5 years left now, and the house and 11 acres are mine. I thought about seeing if they would just loan against the acreage, since it is worth the amt. I have left on my loan. That would leave me the house free and clear. Any bankers out there?
I also wonder if he still has my name on his checking acct.--since he did as of about 6 months ago. What a moron. I told him when I received a debit card on his acct. that he needed to remove my name.
Oh, and I think that I had forgotten to tell you all about my friend. She had her thyroid and the 'growths' completely removed. They tested non cancerous!!! She's recovering from the surgery but will be back at work next week. Thanks to all of you who said a little prayer for her. I think that she was getting alot of prayers.
Anyway, enough for today. I'm removing wallpaper in my utility room (yuck!)--time for some more changes in this house! :-)
DNO - I believe (but I'm no attorney) that the mortgage doesn't really matter, it's whose name is on the title. So long as the property is in your name only on the title, all the mortgage means is that if you stopped paying your payments they would go after him for the money - even though he doesn't own the property. You might want to check out the laws in your state in this regard.
Hopefully, if he's left you on his checking account, he's left you on his pension and life insurance too! I wouldn't remind him of a thing!
Hi everyone. I have posted a couple of things on Chazz's thread, since some things that they were talking about hit home for me---but figured that I needed to post on my own thread.
Since I heard about the marriage, I have went into somewhat of a tailspin. I guess it was just the ripping open of old wounds, and my X holding the salt shaker.
Anyway, I have not been doing very well--angry and depressed I guess would be the words that would describe my mood lately. Deeply hurt.....yeah, that's another one.
Today, he brought the boys back before noon. I figured that on father's day he would want to spend more time with his boys, but that's what I get for thinking.
I have been worried about the property that my X owns that surrounds my house. Property that he has said from day one that he would deed to the boys. So after he did his dump and run today, which is the norm for him anymore, I called him. I asked him if he had deeded the property yet, and of course he hasn't. I told him that if he wanted the boys to have this property that he needed to deed it---that it should have been done before he married that woman (I can't even bring myself to call her by her name). I said that there was no way that woman would own the property around my house. He said, 'she doesn't own it'. I said, yes she does, she owned it the day you married her. You know that. I said unless you want her family to have it if something happens to you, you need to deed it to the boys---or give me a price and I will buy it from you. He said no, he would deed it. (We'll see)
Then I guess I just vented on him. I asked him if he had told his boys he married her, and he said that they already know. I said, I know, I'm the one that told them 2 1/2 weeks after you got married. 'They were so important to you that you included them in your life. You should have told them before you even married her that you were getting married.'
I told him that he had hurt me so badly. (Then I got totally upset, and why after 5 years I would allow myself to get so emotional just ticks me off. Why do I still let him bother me? Why do I still care?) I said something about him picking out his new wife before he even left the house (which basically he did). That he didn't even have the decency to tell me why. After 22 years with him I at least deserved that much.
I said other things, I don't really remember what. He just got totally quiet, and for all I know had laid the cell down on the truck seat. He's just so unemotional. Cold. He never says anything hateful--his tone is just stoney.
Then I said something like 'Go ahead and live your happy little life with her and buy whatever you want, because money was always most important to you. But I have the best thing that came from our marriage right here in their beds every night. And you walked away from it. Maybe one day you will realize how much you gave up.'
Then I hung up.
Why does he still bother me? Why can't I stay calm, cool and collected like he doesn't mean any more to me than I do to him? Does anyone have a trick for that?
I won't say that I feel any better about anything right now. But I feel ok with the fact that I vented my feelings to the person that needed to hear them. I doubt that he listened, cause I don't think that he cares. But it doesn't matter. I got it off my chest. If he was here, I'd throw something at him. Something really big.
I know those days all too well. The bewilderment of what the he## is going on and how did it ever come to all of this?
You mention the coldness and his heart of stone. I know that too. I believe so much of that could be denial and avoidance of what he knows to be right versus wrong. Ya... I am on a denial quest right now... it has so many shapes and colours so I try to spot it wherever it hides.
It sounds like his selfish personal bliss-quest with the OW supercedes the other important priorities you mention like the property and your sons. Is this not a testament that selfishness and denial can run that deep?
The term "Sociopath" often came to mind for me when experiencing the behaviour of my X. Definition being a person incapable of remorse or regret for their own actions. How can a person in our society where we have well-established knowledge and beliefs of right and wrong... such as lying and betrayal... can one harden themselves to the anguish they put other through? Unadulterated selfishness with a defensive line of denial is all I can conclude.
It sucks DNO! This is a plain fact from which we cannot escape... but we can get through. There were times when I did not think I could draw another breath for the pain I was in upon going through experiences like you describe.
I am glad you got it off your chest. It helps doesn't it? Glad you came here to do it rather than throw something.
DNO - I hope he does right by his sons and deeds the property to them. I cant understand, for whatever reason, why he wouldnt tell them about his re-marrying, did he think they wouldnt find out?
Originally Posted By: DownNotOut
Why does he still bother me? Why can't I stay calm, cool and collected like he doesn't mean any more to me than I do to him? Does anyone have a trick for that?
I'm sure the given situation has alot to do with why things still bother you right now - how can they not? Something like that is bound to bring out all sorts of emotions - especially the deep hurt you feel. But even if it was only the seat cushion you vented on, it sounds like it would have ended up going in one ear and out the other anyhow, but at least you got it out and said what you felt you needed to say.
Im sure there are people here who will give you way better insight but I hope you find yourself feeling better soon!
Being pretty new here, I don't know if I can offer you anything, but I would like to first of all say, I feel for you and I know how you feel, My WAW is now pregnant by the OM, and this all happened in less than 6 months, since I left, the D is not final, yet. but probably soon. I know the hurt very well, and reading your post, I find myself wondering the same thing, why do I care? after what she has done to me. The only thing I can come up with, is we hurt, because we care, I have tried to deny it, and fight it with every ounce of my being, but when it is all said and done, I have to admit it. Sometimes, I don't want to love her anymore, but I just can't help it, I too am wondering where is my limit, when will it stop? I haven't reached it yet, obviously, and I may never. But just like you, I am going to go on with my life, not for her, but for me. I just wanted to let you know, you are an inspiration to me, as are mostly everyone here is.
Like I said this is all new to me, and I hope that when/if the day comes that she marries the OM, or anyone else for that matter, I know I will be hurt, that just means I am still able to love.
