X getting married 5/26 advice for kids?

[qoe100]

C2H,
I think of lot of us "forgot" what our M's were really like when we were devastated by our WAs. Like you, for the most part, my M was not happy and what little happiness there was took a lot of work on my part. It's not supposed to be that hard to get along and be happy when you love each other. Also, it's not supposed to be so one sided.

In spite of how awful things were, I wouldn't change one minute of it. It's made me so appreciative of my life now. Also, if we hadn't gone through what we did, we wouldn't have met all our wonderful imaginary friends here!!!!

[BarbieDoll]

C2H: I can relate to the volatility. Sometimes I have to remember the reality. DB had me supressing a lot of the bad memories and focussing on us staying together, remembering only the good. That was NOT my reality. Yes, I was shocked by what happened when things were going better but the underlying problems of his depression, anger, possible alcoholism etc were ongoing. When he was good he was very very good but when he was bad he was horrid. I am still getting flashbacks at times. I do know this - I am MUCH better off without him and that yucky roller coaster I was on for years. Hard to recognize when you're in it.

Yesterday I was standing in my kitchen, pouring a glass of lemonade. I looked out the window to a new garden I was making, where my freshly painted bench sat, beside a lilac waiting to be planted. I had a huge moment of "I LOVE THIS HOUSE". I had bought and moved in so impusively that sometimes I have to do this kind of check. And it was so reassuring that my life is MY LIFE! And I like the choices I have made. And it has all got better better better without ex in it.

On to cleaning my lovely digs and go to get some more flowers today.

Barb

[neli]

I don't have to walk around on eggshells in my own house

This is a great feeling and I completely know what you mean.

I am 100% with you on teaching the kids that even though things are not great the way they are I encourage them to focus on what we do have. Making them more aware of what good we can do and how to work through their anger.

Even though our kids are children of divorce they are lucky we are focusing on making things better in home and outside of home so their future is still bright.

Hang in there. This shall pass too.

Neli

[Committed2Him]

Jill, Barb & Neli,

Just a quick reflection as I head off to see my son.

What was just posted by each of us might be perceived by some as rationalization or sour grapes BUT we know we fought for the marriages and if we were not the types to do that, we never would have found our way to DBing. That said, we do have a healthy appreciation for what our lives now are and what we plan on making them to be in the future.

As I read the comments, I reflected on them as I stepped away for a minute and thought, "those posts are so awesome I need to paste them to my thread." Just now sitting back down, I see that this is my thread. I think it is extremely healthy to remember the past accurately. Not through rose colored glasses tor through the pitty-party looking glass. The marriages had good times, neutral times and horrid times. The choice to exit in the manner that some did was unconscionable and yet we sometimes forget that when we get melancholy for one reason or another. Thanks again for posts that were more important to me than you might have realized as you were posting them.

In a little more than 24 hours, they officially belong to each other, for better or worse and probably not until death do them part. I do wish them well because my kids are affected by their life but we all know it will not be as smooth as either of them think it will be.

I think I need to find a way to "celebrate" my new life tomorrow.

[Committed2Him]

It is official, X is now Mrs. OM, yuk.

I am about to see her and likely him together for the first time as a married couple. He now officially can stay in the same house and X no longer has to hide that he spends the nights there.

My son was there last night so he had to wake up to OM in the house, that must have hurt. I am on my way to get him and then my daughter who stayed with her cousin.

I may or may not wish them happiness. Maybe I'll just wish them that God gives them everything He has for them and do so soon. Hmmm? They'll probably think I am blessing them.

Chat later, this could be a bit wierd.

[drbty]

I trust that by the time you read this it's all over with, and that things went smoothly.

"Maybe I'll just wish them that God gives them everything He has for them and do so soon. Hmmm?"

The double entendre is kinda' funny, in a sad sort of way. Pray that he has mercy on 'em. :-)


-db

[d_o_c]

C2H,

There is certainly alot to adjust to with your X remarried and your children in the same house. They will need you more now then before because they will need you to make sense of a sitch that doesn't make sense.

It has to be confusing (and painful)to have their mom be with someone else. I know you have thought of such things and will guide them and help as best as you can with the help of the Lord.

I pray things did go smoothly on your visit and that you and your children are well.

[Committed2Him]

Pray that he has mercy on 'em. :-)

I liked my "blessing" bette but your is the correct approach to have if I want to walk the talk, thanks for reminding me.

I saw X but Mr.X was not there. I prayed as I was arriving, X opene the door, was upbeat, let me in and then walked to the kitchen. Son was in his room so I followed X and was moved to tap her on the shoulder. I looked her in the eyes and said, "I just want to wish you happiness." She smiled and then moved forward to hug me and so we did.

After X moved out, she hugged me the day I told her I forgave her. There has been zero physical contact other than that.

So, the encounter was fine and I felt like I had done the right thing. Son asked what happened in the kitchen and so I told him and he seemed to be glad about it.

doc,

Thanks for your post. They are doing as well as I could hope for and yes, it is and will continue to be wierd for them. I will continue to focus on them and will seek to do what I can to help them to be as normal as possible.

[qoe100]

(((C2H)))
That was an amazing gesture. Your kids already know what an awesome guy you are as do we. Your kids are in a better position that some as they have 2 loving parents. Even tho, your X made some stupid decisions, she's still a good mom from what you say. Hopefully, that will always be the case.

I must say that if anyone needs advice about "doing the right thing," you're our "go to guy."

[Committed2Him]

Jillybean,

Thanks for the hugs, that's two hugs from twho different women on the same day! I'm on a hot streak, Vegas, here I come!

Reading what you wrote reminds me that X is indeed a good mom. She would lay down her life for the kids in a heartbeat (she just wouldn't honor her marrital commitment). I know she apprceates me as a dad because I am 180 degrees opposite of my stepson's dad whose actions killed my X for how they affected stepson. By the way, stepson boycotted her wedding because he thought she was acting selfishly. He is very protective of his little brother and sister and has confronted him mom in ways I wouldn't becasue of my desire to bite my tongue and keep things "cordial" in the best interest of the kids. He has lived with me 17 years and considers me his "dad."