New here from MLC board - Need Advice

[peaceful_spirit]

I am a newcomer to this board visiting from MLC board. H and I are trying to reconcile, and there are so many bumps in the road. Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy for trying to keep it together.

Here’s my story… H left me and my two young boys in Feb 06 and gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. Turns out there was an OW. He moved out. He started acting like a college kid again. I’m pretty sure it was something along the lines of a MLC of some sort, even though he is only 33. He became a person nobody knew.

He came back many times saying he wanted to work on our M. But each time, he found himself wanting to run to her. And each time he ran to her, it wasn’t long (usually a day or two) before he realized he doesn’t want her and came to me saying he wanted to work on our M. I came close to divorcing him many times. In fact, we even went to Mediation a year ago. But each time he came home, he seemed to come to a new realization about himself and about our M.

H and I went to MC last year for a while and H started seeing a C of his own. Him seeing a C was HUGE in my mind because it told me that he is trying to work on himself. He was previously every anit-therapy.

He has tried a few times to cut contact with OW, but has never been strong enough to follow through. He has been struggling big time of the past year with what is going on in his head… with being tempted to the dark side, etc.... To the point where I felt pretty confident there was some sort of covert depression or mood disorder going on.

Since Christmas, H and I have been SLOWLY working on building our M, with no expectations and no demands. In fact, the week of Christmas, he told me that he knows he wants to come home and be with me and the boys, but sometimes he feels that “pull” to OW or the idea of OW, with no responsibility and all fun. HE said he doesn’t want to feel that pull. He said he wanted my help. At this time, I was just pleased that he told me the truth about his feelings even though what he said hurt. He was honest about his internal battle.

From last May through Thanksgiving, things were VERY rocky. We were trying to work on our M, but H was still a bit off his rocker. There was a lot of back and forth on his part. H wasn’t being very nice to me. Then it all hit a head at Thanksgiving when I told him that he was going to dark places and I didn’t want me or the boys to be dragged down with him.

Slowly during the Christmas season, H stated coming around again. HE said he didn’t like the things he did when he was alone. Said that the things I said to him were right on.

So, from around Christmas until now, we’ve been more on solid ground, very slowly spending more and more time together. We’ve been working on having fun together. We’ve been communicating more. We’ve been meeting each others needs more. He’s seemed much more engaged and seeming to want to run away less and less.

However, H has always had a problem with lying. He has a fear of confrontation. This is one thing we’ve been working on. And we still struggle with it. He admits he has a problem with lying to avoid a perceived punishment. He has gotten better about being open with me, but I don’t think I get complete honesty. On top of it, he is still in contact with OW… if nothing else, I know it’s via text message.

That said, he did get a new job where he will no longer see her. Plus, this job is a desk job, whereas before he was a pharma sales rep and always on the road partying with doctors and having no accountability to anybody.

Anyway, when I confronted him AGAIN about no contact, he said that once he has his new job, he will have no more contact with her. I used to snoop and check his cell phone all the time. I no longer do that. I am at the point where I need for him to want to end contact with her because he knows its necessary, and not because I am demanding it. So, I don’t ask anymore. I just told him recently that when contact has ended, I’d like for him to tell me. He said he would. I’m hoping and praying that he ends contact for HIM.

I am struggling. Sometimes I think we have a better M now than many of our friends, and certainly better than it was before. But H still struggles with stuff. I have seen him make progress. I have seen us make progress. But I am still scared to death. I still think there may be a mood disorder going on where he often feels the need for rushes of excitement.

One thing I do know is that we have found the love for each other again. We are kinder to each other now and more loving. However, I know it is still hard with OW out there tempting him.

Oh, another detail… he had his own place for a year. May 1st of this year, he moved back home. So, I am feeling scared. I think he is a little bit as well.

I guess I could use some help or words of encouragement from those of you who have been through the challenge of piecing a M back together after it was so destroyed.

[Delil@h]

WELCOME ...
To be perfectly honest with you there still will be work ahead for you to do. But you seem to be very well grounded. With perseverance and strength you will be able to get thru this next transition. Keep posting and keep working on you. You sound like you are doing very well and are a very strong WOMAN. Congratulations on working so hard. You should be very proud of yourself!
God bless...

[Phoenix_spark]

I agree with Alimari, you do sound very strong. As you have mentioned there are positives happening in your sitch. For your own sake, record them somewhere so that when a day gets rough, you've got somewhere to look and remember your successes.

You've made it this far and he is trying, put one foot in front of the other and just keep moving ahead.

[cat03]

you are doing great! no expectations and no demands are the way to go.

Glad you won your battle w/snooping, it isnt easy and it is a habit hard to break, but once the monkey is off your back he stays out for good.
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So, I am feeling scared. I think he is a little bit as well.
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Of course you both are! you are waiting for the other shoe to drop and he's waiting for things to go downhill again, it is very very scary to put your heart out in the line again. My H still has issues in the back of his mind, it takes a long time, but little by little, with lots of Positive Mental Attitude you can repel fear.

I recommend you read "Healing the hurt in our marriage" it is a great piecing book. Hang in there,somedays it is one step forward and 2 steps back.

[peaceful_spirit]

Alimari,
Thanks. Not sure if you remember, but you have posted to me before. My screen name used to be "aid", but I changed it.

Phoenix,
Strong? I guess I am. BUt frankly, sometimes I feel like I'm the only nut who would live through all that I have with H and still be here. Yes, there are positives. And I guess I should document them. Beucase I do have days when I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

Cat,
I like hearing from you. I have followed along your sitch a bit. I think I remember you from teh infidelity board way back when. And I read your post about giving the benefit of the doubt. I struggle with that. I struggle with trusting him at all. He has betrayed that trust so many times.

As for snooping, I guess I need to remind myself of this... I don't need to know everytime he has contact with OW (or if at all) as long as he is still engaged at home and acting like a part of the family. In the past when he would resume contact with her, he would withdrawl and start treating me crappy. I haven't had that feeling in a while (knock on wood). Do I really need to know everything or do I just focus on my M and hope H makes the right decisions.

THe problem is that I believe H may have a bit of a mood disorder. HE looks for rushes of excitement. He's got a very addictive personality. For example, he likes to gamble. Also this A totally got a hold of him. And even though he decided he didn't want to be with OW and he wanted ot be with me, he couldn't quite quit the addiction.

He admitted to me recently, when I asked him, that he does sometimes find it dificult to end contact with OW. I jsut don't understand it. I just don't. I just hope and pray that with this new job of his and the fact that he won't be seeing her at work, that eventually their contact will fade away. I think that's what he's waiting for as well. I think he knows that he's not strong enought to just cut the contact for good.

[cat03]

have you guys gone to C at all? would he go? I dont' where I'd be without my awesome C.

It is hard for them to cut the cord. I didnt' know it, but after my H came back he had some contact w/ow, she wanted a job at my H's new job and he was the one taking the calls (I found out later by seeing her job application and notes he'd written her)

We'd been together jsut 3 or 4 mths, and it seemed he wanted to be w/me for good (I didnt' know of ow 'til much later), so it took my breath away to learn that he had contact w/her a few times, despite the crapy way she treated him, he still wanted to look good in her eyes (he actually had a note saying that he had divorced me and was buying his own place, he wanted to keep the lie about us so his old web of lies would'be discovered)
Guess our H didnt' want to look weak and felt they "wronged" the ow, it is text book hon.

The new job also help my H find direction, since a job defines a man, he had a different focus and was able to move forward. My H can also get focuses on things and loose his head, it is because he has ADHD, they have a tendency to be that way.

Anyways, stay strong, remember that all the obstacles in your way are like a dragon, stay strong and slay it, refuse to give in to fear.

[Phoenix_spark]

Some very good points Cat. As difficult as it seem Alimari, you will make it through this. Just keep making steps and do your best to control you and your attitude. I guess that's what I'm kind of feeding off of right now and it certainly is making a difference.

[peaceful_spirit]

Cat,
I'm curious about the ADHD. I sometimes wonder about my H. He has a very hard time focusing as well and I know that sometimes people with ADHD are drawn to things like gambling, etc.

Right now, the biggest problem I'm dealing with is that my H lies to avoid confrontation. We had a big blow up about it yesterday when I caught him in another lie that wasn't even about OW. He says he is working on the lying, but I think it's an illness.

Anyway, I wonder about things like mood disorder or ADD or somethign like that.

I have just started seeing a C again. She does help. H sees his, but wants to start backing off seeing him. We haven't been to MC since November because we seemed to hit a wall.

My next step may be to ask him to get further evaluated for a mood disorder. There is a test that he can take... some sort of EEG that identifies various imbalances in the brain.

I'm feeling hopeless again.

Anyway, thanks for your support. I'll have to get caught up on all your sitches.

[cat03]

if he'd agree, without pressure, to see a T, it'd be good. ADHD is particularly merciless if the person doesn't know he/she has it, damagin for couples if they aren't aware of its presence.

Does he forget constantly, has mood changes rapidly and is impatient? those are a few traits of ADHD.

Give him time and your constant support.

[peaceful_spirit]

Cat,
He doesn't necessarily have those traits. What i've observed is as follows:

- is easily bored and needs to find some rush of excitement, like gambling
- has a very addictive personality- hard time controlling impulses
- as for mood changes, that wasn't really an issue until this whole A/MLC thing started. It would be like one minute he was here, the next his mind was somewhere else. He became very moody and unpredictible.
- Has hard time focusing
- is forgetful sometimes of conversations we have, but when it comes to things about work or sports, he's not forgetful at all.
- fears confrontation

Really, the big thing that I am noticing is that he has this need to do certain things, like gamble or OW. He seems unable to deny himself of these things. Then he'll lie to cover it up. Then he'll have these moments of realization that he doesn't want to lie and doesn't want to be with OW and he tries. But seems unable to follow through.

I have seen progress. I do think he's breaking away from the addiction of OW, but it was very, very hard. He would be here and be thinking of her. Then he'd go to her and realize within minutes that he didn't want to be there. But he would admit that he felt a pull towards her and wished he didn't.

I know this sounds like rambilng. It's just that I am discovering that my H is a very complex man, and i used to thing he was the simplest man I knew. He seems to have many layers to the problems he has, but they are so far burried.

I think I just need to see if he'll get tested for mood disorder or ADD. There just has to be something more there. He does not behave like a normal adult should.

But deep inside, i know he's a good person. He's a sensitive person who has a lot of love in his heart. He has some faith in God, but that has been burried as well.

this is so hard.