That would be nice OT wouldn't it? Or could he move to a different department? I'm sure though that he may have resentment if you told him you wanted him to leave.
I think that would need to be a decision he would need to make though?
Nikki...wouldn't that be such a blessing for you though if she got fired or left or transfered?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Unfortunately there's not really another department - he's a mechanic, she works in parts, so they pretty much have to interact.
The reason I haven't gone there with his job is that where he's working now is SO MUCH better than any other shop he's ever worked at, and nicer than anywhere else around here. It's clean, good management, excellent pay (about 30-40% higher than he'd make anywhere else), good benefits, retirement and pension plans, enclosed shop with heating and air conditioning... LOTS of extras that most shops don't have. He told me once last fall that he'd almost left specifically to get away from her, so I know it's crossed his mind. I won't be the one to bring it up though (at least, not yet).
I know that she was looking for a new job - I generously offered to help with her resume last summer . The mechanics are paid well but not the parts people, and she could make probably twice as much money somewhere else. I know she's been on some interviews at other places, and also know that her income dropped dramatically after her separation/D, so I keep hoping. I also know she'd be fired in a heartbeat if management found out about the sexually harassing things she does, not to mention dating one of the other mechanics.. so maybe I'll get lucky on that.
I can hope. But will get up my nerve to talk to H about it (AGAIN) in the meantime.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
What a temptation huh? to give an anonymous call! but don't do it. I think that is what I will pray for now, is that she will find another job and be distracted from your H.
Have a great night!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I can't imagine that they have any professional need for contact outside of work.
H can also take the initiative and quietly invite a few of the GUYS out for a beer when nothing has been planned. No one is going to question him excluding PW. They aren't dopes.
The fact is, there is no reason he can't have a life that exclues PW outside of work if he chooses to do so.
He can block her phone number on his phone. When he starts in on his crap about not understanding you why it bothers you, stop that cold:
"H, you and I both have acknowledged that your R with her was inappropriate and damaging to our M. Cut the crap. I am NOT willing to accept you continuing to interact with her outside of the office. It is inapproprite for you to be her friend or rescuer. She is not a friend to our M, you should not be a friend to her. I am not willing to negotiate about this. Your contact with her hurts me and our M. Your lying about it and concealing it is doubly undermining. That is sufficient reason for it to stop completely immediately. I want you to call her on speakerphone and deliver this message to her crisply and directly. Then, stop contact as you have agreed to do."
ST oh yeah - it is very tempting!! I think even the managers are kind of aware of it but aren't doing anything unless/until someone complains. <sigh> Maybe the boyfriend's wife will do it. And ST thanks for your email, sorry I've been delayed replying back! Crazy few weeks, but I will reply soon.
Oldtimer - you make a good point, he can make that choice. There are some things about it that'll be awkward but I need to stop "protecting" H from that... that part of it's not my problem. I also think I need to make it crystal clear that's what I want. I thought I had done that before, but may not have made it clear enough. In hindsight he may think he "won" the discussion about how it shouldn't bother me (I know it's not about "winning" but couldn't think of a better word to use). I like your wording - thanks.
It's funny what you said about the speakerphone. My first reaction was "I'd love to hear that!" followed VERY quickly by "But NO WAY, then I'd have to hear her voice again!" I'd be happy to hear his side of the conversation, though. It's weird how the stronger I get the more I realize just how deeply all this stuff hurt me. I guess I must have brushed a LOT of it off before, or thought I did... seems I buried it, instead.
Journaling about last night - which was WONDERFUL! LOTS of big positives.
I was catching up on chores when H said "We should go to [restaurant]." This restaurant/bar is where we had our first date, which we've celebrated all 12 years we've been together except for this year. The first year H was so proud that he had remembered our first "anniversary." To this day he can tell you that date, but has trouble remembering my birthday and even our wedding anniversary - so this anniversary has always been a pretty big deal for us. We usually go for drinks and appetizers, reminisce a bit, and "re-enact" our first kiss out in the parking lot. (ok call us silly if you must )
Anyway it was on May 3 and somehow this year we both forgot about it. I noticed it last weekend and said "Oh wow, we missed May 3...oops" (in a casual way, didn't want to make it a big deal). H said "Yeah I know, can't believe that, I was even thinking about it when I was at [friend's] house" (the house where he lived while we were separated). Interesting.. then he said "Well we could still go, it's not too late." That was early in the weekend, so I was pleasantly surprised and happy when he brought it up again last night.
I went to get ready, came back and H had poured us each a drink. He handed me mine, then held his glass up for a toast. He held it up with his left hand - he's a "righty" - and said "To us!" That's when I saw his wedding ring, for the first time in a very long time. I didn't say anything at the time but know I got a goofy grin on my face and teared up a little bit. At the restaurant I touched his hand and the ring and said "Looks good on you" (along with goofy grin and a few tears again). H said "Thanks" in a very sweet tone. We had a great time - I was surprised how much H was into the reminiscing as I had thought he probably wouldn't want to bring up the past too much, but he did and it was all positive memories. Yay!!!
I think almost 2 hours passed without feeling like much time at all. We couldn't believe it was getting so late... did our parking lot kiss, cruised around for awhile and then came home. It was soooo nice!! I won't get into too much detail but we had a lot of fun and adventurous ML after we got home, too... . I joked about "So this is probably what you were HOPING would happen 12 years ago but all ya got was a kiss that night" - we both got a good laugh from that.
All in all just an awesome night - one of the best we've had in a really long time!!
And H is wearing his ring again. YAY!!!
Last edited by NikkiB; 05/15/0710:12 PM.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Oh wow nikki his wedding ring is back on wtg baby. I wish ours was but cant see that happening ever lol.
You are making so much progress you deserve a big pat on the back hun. i also would keep that validated about pw let H know exactly how u feel on the matter.
Keep up the good work hun Hugs HB
ps send me the works number and i'll call and make complaint and get her fired lol
pps please visit my thread
M35 H35 T 14Y M 6Y 2 D 10/14 bomb & M/O 4/2/07 "trying to piece" 1/4/07 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=998053&page=1#Post998053
Thank you HB! Yes, it was really exciting for me to see that ring - and even more exciting for him to seem kinda proud of showing it to me, based on the way he did it. I had some kind of weird thing pop into my head today that maybe I was just dreaming or it was only for one night, but it's still there. Yay!
haha don't tempt me on the work number HB.
I visited your thread and posted there, but in case you need an extra hug... ((((HB))))
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
That is soooo cool Nikki! you know, it's aweful, I have the worst memory, and usually the memories I keep are the bad ones! so i can't remember when my H put his on again. I know I told him that when he put it on, that would tell me that he wanted to be M again.
You may just wait a little on the OW thing. he may have gotten the point and may slowly start doing what he needs to do.
But what OT said about him making plans instead and not inviting OW, is a really good idea. Then he's not "missing out" if that's how he feels.
I went back and forth on the "making H end it in front of me" thing. I know some counselors make their patients do that, but I seem to think that my DB counselor wasn't for doing that. In a way, it makes it seem like your their mommy telling them what to do, you know? I really wanted my H to do that for me, but I wasn't about to "make" him do it.
maybe think about what you think is best for your sitch and see if H makes any progress in the right direction regarding this. The ring might be a good sign
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
oh. I did ask H about what he thought made him quit txting back OW. Well, he said a combination of me talking to him, and knowing what he needed to do. ug. He's so vague. I really wonder why it's so hard for him to talk about this stuff. Maybe it makes him feel less of a person because he screwed up? or maybe he really does hate that he did it, and wishes he didn't have to think or talk about it. I don't know.
So, sorry that didn't help much!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
. The mechanics are paid well but not the parts people, and she could make probably twice as much money somewhere else. I know she's been on some interviews at other places, and also know that her income dropped dramatically after her separation/D, so I keep hoping. I also know she'd be fired in a heartbeat if management found out about the sexually harassing things she does, not to mention dating one of the other mechanics.. so maybe I'll get lucky on that. 
But will get up my nerve to talk to H about it (AGAIN) in the meantime.
I think that is what I will pray for now, is that she will find another job and be distracted from your H.