Yes it's been quiet here...SR continued

[ImprovedRomeo]

So I'm starting a new thread, last thread here

To summarize, wife moved out then acted as-if even friendly and then 6 months or so later told me via email that she filed for the divorce. I've been going as slow as possible with the divorce process. Apr 23rd I sent the 'response' to her lawyer. She has otherwise not said nor discussed anything in regard to the divorce, the relationship, the marriage. However she tries to offer me suggestions, ask me for help with the car and computers stuff, tells me things about her work etc. I've on the other hand gone as dark as I possibly can given that I still have to see her once or twice a week due to our 2yo.

Yesterday she emailed me asking if I could watch D on Sat since she had a waxing appointment. I reponded with my usual 2 word reply "Sure np". This morning she called me at 11am asking if I wanted to have lunch with her and D since they're in the area. I told her 'umm ok...sure' she then said 'you don't have to if you don't want to'. I said 'give me some time as I'm just getting back from the store, I can meet you guys in a bit'. Anyway, that was that, we met, had lunch, then I put D down for a nap and STBXW left.

She text'd me about an hour later "when can I pick D up, I'm driving home now". I text'd back "she's still asleep, you can pick her up whenver you want, I can let you know when she's up". 10 mins later she's at the door. We watched TV and talked about a few random things like the current news events etc. Finally D woke up, I made her a quick snack. I thought STBXW would just pick D up and leave but she said to me "let's take D out or are we going to spend all day in here?". I was surprised, quite surprised because we don't typically do this anymore. Of course, I caved in and said "what do you have in mind?". So we spent a couple of hours at the nearby mall. Then she said "Do you want to get some food, it's already dinner time"...so then we had dinner together and she just dropped me off.

I'm not going to let this bring my hopes up too much, in fact I should be worried if anything because she's done this before and typically bad news has followed such behavior. Like her moving out while the night before she baked a pie and we slept together. Also when she became overly friendly and then a couple of days later told me via email that she'd filed for the divorce.

[OldFool]

Just catchin' up. Like you, I'd be wary of the friendliness. My WAW and I hadn't made love in quite some time (this was before I discovered the A and she filed). Then, on our anniversary, she was all over me. At the time, I thought maybe the great thaw was on. Turns out she'd had the OM in our home just 48 hours before and had talked with him for a half-hour just before we had dinner that day! She was feeling guilty as hell and making love was her way of salving her conscience.

There's nothing wrong with her being friendly, but before you hang your hat on it, so to speak, I'd want to see a real trend...not just a single event.

You know, it isn't talked about much on these boards, but I think that for some WAS...especially those that feel they did not have the influence or control they desired or deserved in the M...may use the being nice thing as a way to exert emotional control over the LBS. To string them along or even the score, in a manner of speaking. I'm not saying that always happens or that it is in play in your situation. But I do wonder if it occurs in some cases.

[lost-n-found]

I've come to realize that any WAS is so 'all over the place' emotionally that there isn't a single thing (nope, not even one) they say or do that can be taken as genuine. Time and distance are the two key factors for them. Unfortunately there's nothing the LBS can do but give this to them and focus on finding the joy in discovering ourselves as individuals again.

[JR2007]

Wow, realized that was all about me in someone else's thread, SORRY! Sheesh!!

Romeo, it feels like your W is yet another woman looking to get the quality time love language spoken to her. When she wants to hang out, just listen to her, be understanding, and don't try to fix anything. She'll start to feel loved and you'll be attractive again for giving her what she needs. Good luck!!!

[OldFool]

Just bumpin' the thread. Hope you're doing OK.

[StupidRomeo2]

Hey OF,

I couldn't remember my login info for the "stupidromeo" account so had to create a new account.

Wow, it seems like I haven't been on here forever. I guess because I was getting depressed reading all the stories last time I was here.

Things were going OK for me for a while but not so great lately. Up until the evening of the 4th of July things had been fine. That evening we took D to go watch the fireworks. There she asked me if I would be interested in coming along with her for Thanksgiving as she wants to spend the holiday with her friends up north. I was a bit surprised and happy, I told her sure. Next morning she emailed me the various airfare deals and suggested that I check into the hotel pricing if I wasn't staying with my own friends. Confused I emailed her back saying I thought we were all going together. She replied "no, I was staying with my friends and you could stay with yours. I just wanted us to go together so the other one is not left alone".

From there it went down hill. I told her that didn't make any sense; if I wasn't going to be spending the holiday with her what difference does it make if I fly up with her or stay behind, its the same thing. She replied saying she wasn't looking for a baby sitter if that's what I was implying. I then asked her to tell me what exactly she has in mind because just like in the past we go hang out and eat and even do fun things together but we never
talk about us. I asked her if she would tell me honestly what she's thinking as if I were suddenly dead and she was standing over my grave. She said she'd tell me how angry she is at me and no one made her feel the way I did and things are irreconcilable. I then replied to her telling her that she says she's worked on herself through counseling and threapy but I see she still has so much grudge and no matter what I did she'd never let go of it. She replied saying:

"You think that logically I should return to you because you are now sorry, have changed and reformed and really do try hard now and it was really all my fault for not communicating to you in the first place that yelling at your wife is wrong. To me that is just removing yourself from any accountability for your actions. Where is your responsibility to realize that doing certain things is just not acceptable no matter what? Even if I didn't or couldn't tell you it was wrong? I just don't know. I feel as though we have rehashed this argument so many times. I've really been to therapy for awhile and so far haven't found anyone who said that I'm wrong for not going back. That doesn't mean that it can't be wrong, just that there are often more than two options, right and wrong, black and white, etc. "

To which I replied a rather long reply telling her that the fact that I've completely changed from inside and out proves that I recognize my faults and take full responsibility of my actions but only after she made me see them. I gave her an analogy of how a boss would take you out to lunch every week and show that he's happy until one day he fires you and then tells you that you should've known that you were doing a lousy job even if he acted otherwise. I then asked her how she takes the responsibility and what she's done to become a better person? is she a better communicator now? is she more open and honest about what she's thinking? etc. Then I told her that I'm disappointed but not surprised that she's looking for other people to tell her to come back to me rather than seeing that one man loves her above all. I told her if I listened to other people I wouldn't be writing this. I told her to ask herself if these people love her and our D more than me? will they come to her rescue through an earthquake or a snow storm? I told her she could bet her ass that I would. I then told her that no matter what I write to her its obvious she doesn't care about me, she doesn't respect me and she wants nothing to do with me and her occasional flirting and playfulness that I took as a sign of her wanting to get back together I was completely wrong in my interpretation.

So that was that, for the first time in over a year since she left me I'm feeling angry at her. I had such a lousy day, I went out for a drive and every friggn car had couples, like I'm the last single person left on this earth. I haven't been with anyone and yet I don't know who she's been with. I feel stupid for wanting her when she's torn this family apart and caused me so much pain. If this is my punishment for hurting her with my words in the past and she kept her mouth shut and pretended that things were ok after I made up and cuddled her and said sorry then what should her punishment be for walking out of this marriage without trying, hurting me and our daughter knowing fully well how cruel this whole thing is especially to our D who has no say in who she wants to be with. Sometimes I get strict with D and she starts crying wanting her mom. STBXW says she does that to her too as if our 3yo is manipulative without regard for a little child who just wants comfort from the other parent. The other parent who could be her safe haeven for the time being. Makes me so angry. All this for her own self fulfillment so she can be out with guys drinking and having dinners while my daughter goes to bed wondering where mommy is why she couldn't be her. It just sucks! makes me sad and makes me mad. Ughhh!!

[MyWifeHasGoneCra]

Hey, SR. Sorry to hear about all that. I understand where you're coming from 100%. I think I can relate to every single line you wrote.

At the moment I'm trying to figure out what to put in the papers when I file for legal separation. It sucks. It seems like no matter what I'm screwed.

[StupidRomeo2]

After two days of lull she responded:


"I just think that we’re both good people, we both made mistakes. I’m not here to say who is more wrong or whatever, because in the end, it just doesn’t matter does it? I felt it went too far down for me to go back at this point. It totally blows. It’s like a waste of all the times we had together. It separates 3 people that will never be as good apart as they were together. And that’s just not fair.

In the whole time we were together, longer than 6+, years we missed opportunities to show one another how much we really cared for each other. Now its over. That doesn’t make it any better, just worse. It ridiculous that we even have to keep writing this. I’m not doing this because I think this is the greatest thing, this sucks. Worst thing in the world. But to me, getting back is out of the question at this point. I cannot do it.

And no matter what you think you might know about what I feel inside, I still don’t hate you. But don’t listen to me, because I’m always wrong."


This is the nicest reply from her but still sucks because she so convincingly keeps saying that its over and she cannot go back

[MyWifeHasGoneCra]

Yes, it does suck. But normal people live through it. We'll all make it through regardless of the outcome.

I don't know if you were on here when "Cherishher" was. He posted A LOT and obviously wanted his marriage to work as much as any of us here.

He had quite a story. His wife started getting on the board too and defending her position. She ended up running off with another man on this board. He pops in every once in a while now and says he's doing great.

[OldFool]

I felt it went too far down for me to go back at this point.

It's never "too far" unless you want it to be. This is a hallmark excuse of the WAS to cover for the fact they're really too lazy to make the effort.

It's like a waste of all the times we had together. It separates 3 people that will never be as good apart as they were together.

And yet in spite of that, it's apparently not worth working to save.

In the whole time we were together, longer than 6+, years we missed opportunities to show one another how much we really cared for each other.

Of course, I accept no responsibility for the opportunities I missed nor does the fact that I screwed up as well mean I am in any way responsible for trying to correct my mistakes or the situation.

I'm not doing this because I think this is the greatest thing, this sucks. Worst thing in the world.

Not quite. Apparently the worst thing in the world would be working to repair the relationship, otherwise she'd be doing it to avoid what she claims is the worst thing.

And no matter what you think you might know about what I feel inside, I still don't hate you. But don't listen to me, because I'm always wrong.

Nice. She just couldn't let it go without taking a final pot shot.

This is the nicest reply from her but still sucks because she so convincingly keeps saying that its over and she cannot go back.

That should read "will not", not "cannot". You can't make her come back or want to come back and it's clear she doesn't. I'd guess it's because she'd have to shoulder some responsibility along with you and she would rather dream that it will be easier with someone else than face the reality.

It may be time to let her have what she wants and stop trying to convince her otherwise. Carve out your own life and move on. Once you've done that, if she decides to change course at a future time, you can then re-evaluate the situation and make a decision where to go from there. But in the meantime, you'll be in a better place and probably be capable of greater objectivity.

His wife started getting on the board too and defending her position. She ended up running off with another man on this board. He pops in every once in a while now and says he's doing great.

You have got to be kidding. I'd love to give him a piece of my mind. That kind of behavior is simply outrageous and indefensible. That said, I'd guess the two of them probably deserve each other. He may be "great" now, but I'd bet it doesn't last. Since neither apparently believe they did anything wrong, I'd bet both will fall into their old ways and that'll be the end of that.