Trying to piece at last

[stillme]

H, I'm thinking of you. How're you doing, girl? In reading over your last pg., I see much good - many baby steps. Maybe you don't see/appreciate them b/c of your view from the trenches, but they are there. And H saying it [being back w/you & trying] was going well? Awesome!!

How did your night out go?
Did you see your doc?
How are you feeling, H?
You've been on my mind.

[hurtingbad]

Hi all just journalling

Still my night out went great till the end when i let my jealousy and gob run away withitself lol but i rectified and H said it was ok he understood

I went to docs he said it was natural to have ups and down days and just to keep plodding on

I'm feeling a bit better now and have stopped going over so much but still have nigglys in the back of my mind.

Things people say to me ie family friends are sticking in my head and some of them are not good things so am trying to work my way round them but otherwise doin ok with H and the girls are doin great too

Hugs HB

[hurtingbad]

Hi all just journalling. Seems things arent going to well over in my camp lol. But hey i'm surviving. Things seemed to be on an even footing then things just seemed to bool in and bowl me over. Trying to gt my head around things that were said so not gonna post em in here yet. I will probably get wet noodle slaps from all over when i do lol. Yes still i was bad that control freak took over me again for about 5 mins then i pushed him back where he belongs lol

Sometimes i'm sat here wondering if this is all worth it lol. Would i not be better off giving up. i know that i now have a better life and relationship with the kids now that i am my new person and things are real good on that front.

phooey when does these nigglys stop lol

catch up laters

Hugs HB

[hurtingbad]

Well here I am again just updating really not journalling.

I think I'm done. I can't do this anymore i'm just not strong enough. I dont know what to do or who to turn to. I'm real down on support from anyone close so I think i have to just call it a day.

My H told me the other day that nothing in his feelings have changed and he still doesn't think its going to work. Bummer I know but I cant make him love me.

Then in a conversation we were having about the up and coming holiday that we had planned to try again until we got home from, H asks how much spending money I have saved. i told him and then I asked him how much he had saved to my suprise he states nothing. Not a penny, he tells me he has assumed that since he paid for the holiday (which was booked when we were together) I was supplying the spending money. I tell him that this would all have been fine if we were still a family and together and we still had joint finances but since we are apart I assumed he would be saving too as the money i have left at end of month is for me and the kids and theres not that much left so couldnt save as much as I would have been able to.

To which I am now thinking, H said we will try till after the hol, which he assumed I would be supplying spending money for, so I am thinking he has thought hang on I'll have my hol use her money for spends have a great time for free then come home and dump her cos nothing has changed and she agreed if nothing had changed we will call it a day amicably.

So now I am thinking H has just been using me for a free ride, he still comes over very night and sits and watches tv with me in my room but when asked if he wasnt enjoying coming over why did he do it every night to which his reply was I come to see the kids. (and the kids sit in my room to watch tv when??? never). He tells me feeling havent changed he still dont love me and he doesnt think he will ever want to come back.

So now is the time for me to end it I think. I cant take the pain no more I have tried my dammed hardest to make this work for him to kick me in the teeth every time. i am the one putting up with the heartache and also with the kids feelings that they have lost him too. He said he doesnt feel anything he doesnt miss us. And also doesnt see what he has done to me or the kids as something wrong. I'm right back at the lowest point again and feel like just giving up on everything, but I wont cos I am better than that and have my kids to think about.

I dont know what to do, where to turn to for help to get me through this and am just totally and utterly feeling rejected and at rock bottom.

Will update when I know what I am going to do.

Any ideas from anyone would be gratefully received

Hugs HB

[stillme]

(((H))) I'm sorry you're so down. I really don't know what to say except that. I'm sorry. I am (of course!) totally out of my element but can only imagine how terribly difficult it is that, even tho your H has said he would "try", it doesn't seem like much actual work is going on from his end.

It's so hard to know what to do; and I can only believe that YOU will know when your "enough" is. Are you a praying girl? I ask b/c it seemed like my emotional sitch (not the actual or physical sitch) improved tremendously when I finally "got it" and turned it over to God. As soon as my head hits the pillow every night, I pray, "I can't do this by myself. I can't control H, and I'm having a hard time controling even my own self - my emotions, my thoughts & my actions - as well. So, I'm turning it over to You. Help me get thru this night, and help me get thru tomorrow. I know you will be there for me. Carry me; I'm so tired. . . .I know you have a much better Life planned for me than I can even imagine. Please help me to remember that." I promise that's when it turned around for me.

On the more practical Holiday issue, I really don't know what to think. You know the man. Do you really believe he's been using you just to not lose out on the holiday that's been paid for? What are your options if this is true; and if it's not? Can you separate the Facts from the emotions?

I'm sorry that you don't seem to be getting much support or advice here in Piecing. I feel for you, hun. I really do. Know that I'm checking in on you still, and I'm praying for your sitch, and for you to find some peace in all of this.

Take care. Take a breath. Nothing needs to be decided tonight, does it? But think about: What is the best FOR YOU now? If you are truly done, that's fine and I will be the first to say Congratulations on the progress YOU have effected in your R (w/H as well as w/your kids) and the improvements YOU have made in yourself and in your life. Great Job! on the hard, hard work you have put in. You are awsome!! and a very strong person to have accomplished so much to date. Even if you decide to stop here, there are many positives that have been made - AND THEY ARE ALL YOUR DOING, H!! Way to GO, H!!! I'm proud of you.

I'll check your thread again tomrrow, 'kay? {{{peace}}}

[NikB]

HB - wow I'm sorry that you're so down.

I agree that he's not really trying or doing much work - and it's time to protect yourself mentally. So detach, GAL, put the focus back on you. All that stuff that works to help YOU be ok regardless.

((((HB))))

As stillme said, take time and take a breath, and decide where to go from there.

I have seen sooo many sitches turn around when one person finally truly let go, too. Maybe it's your turn... just maybe...

[cat03]

hey hon, I totally understand that you feel like it is over, it is very hard to hear from our Ss to tell us they dont' feel anything for us. It took my H many months to have feelings for me, I know you've been piecing vor over 2mths or so, and that is just not enough time.
Granted, my H did agree to committ to work on the M and it wasn't a "well see" approach. I wonder if your H is just waiting for something "magical" to happen and to feel love like when you guys first met. It doesn't happen that way the second time around, during piecing all that's left sometimes is commitment, and upon that we build love and trust.

Did he tell you that out of the blue or did you ask him if his feelings have changed? that makes a difference, sometimes us LBS can't leave WAS alone and want their feeligns to change and we prod, thus pushing the S away. I dont' know if this is your case, but I'm wondering when and why did he say that.

About the holiday, when it was booked, who paid for it? if it was him, from his money, then I can see why he expects you to pay your share (although he should be nice enough to have some $ set for his spending and be generous about it).

Perhaps ask him to come less often so you have time to think and detach.

[stillme]

How're you doing, H?

[hurtingbad]

Not too well still sorry to say but i sort of relapsed and had a breakdown at work. Docs said my tablets not workin gproperly and has gave me some more and put me on the sick for a bit.

On the H front I told him Wednesday not to come over anymore for a while and told him i would drop kids off at his mams for him on his days. Then what happens last night over he comes came to do garden he had agreed to do so told him he can do it when he has the kids over here while i am at work and told him he had to go home.

Gonna detach for a while see how I feel cos i still got to decide about what to do about the hol and need a clear mind to sort myself out.

Thanks for checking in hun

Hugs hb

[stillme]

I have never before advised anyone to go 'dark', H, but I'm thinking it just may be the thing to do here. Your H is behaving like one weird duck (alien issues aside), and I just don't get it. Hopefully, someone will either support this idea, or have another recommendation. Hang in there. I think you're obviously giving lots of thought to what is best for YOU, and you're doing well under the circumstances.