Holly, I know the posts you are talking about. You have to consider the source. They are in the D section for a reason and perhaps are a little bitter. As you already know, not every marriage will survive MLC. You just keep standing strong, there are so many positivesin your life right now. Do not allow other people's thoughts or their own projection bring you down.
((((Faith))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I am going on vacation in a few days, and taxes will be finished while I am gone. TJ will be in town April 16th (monday I get back) for D hearing. It will be fine, I think.
I want to be mysterious about where I am going. I do not want to volunteer that I am still available by phone, this might clue him in that I am traveling with girlfriends, and not a man...... I want to let him assume I am in the Carribean somewhere........ We will have to sign the return quickly on the 16th to get it postmarked that night. Do I trust him? Have my L look it over? Agree on who gets what part of it? Just sign it?
Such little issues, that consume me. I might be taking too many turns on my stripper pole again.......
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
why do you feel the need to keep playing these games with your husband what ever happened to the truth. you want the truth from him you want honesty you want to rebuild trust and yet you play games.you are not ready to have your husband back yet. rethink your actions.
From what I have read, it seems that your opinion is that we should be nice and honest and stop all the little manipulation games. It seems like so many of the DR techniques are a bit manipulative. Do you think that these techniques really are not applicable for a MLC depressed spouse and really being nice and GAL while waiting is the way to go? This is what I have tried to do. Do you think they see us as pursueing or needy if we are warm to them? It seems like a hard line to define.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
HM and Holly, I don't post often but I do read and follow threads. I have to say that I totally agree with Happy. DB'ing isn't about playing games or being mysterious or any of that. It is about finding and becoming ourselves. Who cares what your H thinks about your vacation. You shouldn't. Go and enjoy yourself because it is something that you want to do. Be happy because happy people are attractive. Mysterious people are only attractive until you find out what they were hiding and then they lose their appeal.
GAL is not about putting on a show that will hopefully attract our spouses back it is about learning who we are again (or maybe for the first time). It is about developing ourselves and becoming a whole independent person again. It is about looking inside and finding our own weaknesses and problems and overcoming them. It is about learning to be happy because we have looked inside and learned that happiness comes from within not from without.
Holly, if you wonder if your H is going to lie to you about the taxes then assume he is. Educate yourself about them and decide what you should get. Don't leave it up to him and then complain when he isn't honest.
HM, even Michelle points out that MLC is a whole different ball of wax than run of the mill marriage problems. Showing kindness to them does work wonders as far as making this bearable but you have to understand that they are often like a cornered animal who will lash out at anyone or anything that gets too close. I really believe that even the OP is kept at distance. MLCer's never really let anyone see what is happening inside of them. GAL is for you. Being nice is for you and others just happen to benefit from it. Stop worrying about what your h is or isn't thinking. Be nice to him not because it is good for him but because it is good for you. If you are nice then it makes it so much harder for him to be nasty.
ST
At the bar the Judge will not look us over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars. - Hugh B. Brown
I am glad that you think I am doing the right thing. I keep seeing posts on here of people playing games and thinking "Why?" I am trying to let go of control but I can't not be nice to him.
I think I am handling things the right way. I just need to be patient (x 1 million), remember to hope, and stop thinking about things all the time. I also have to stop reading a post and thinking "Oh no, when will H decide to file or spew at me." I am only borrowing trouble. I need to deal with today and deal with future problems when they come.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
Happy again, You could be right about this one. Thanks for the reminder. Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
Sorry I seemed to have caused so much commotion here in response to something I wrote. I never meant for it to get this out of control and I certainly never meant for my friends Karen & Naej to be stuck somewhere in the middle. I love them to death so it makes me feel very bad.
I don't come over here much anymore. What can I say? It's tax season and I happened to find myself with some time to spare. This is a luxury for me at this time of year. Anyway, for some reason I was drawn to reading your thread and all that you wrote and talked about touched my heart. See Holly all of our situations may be similar as far as MLC is concerned, but there is a vast difference in how all this plays out depending on how damaged our spouses are. Some people who wanted to tell me how all this would play out meant well but the fact is, they weren't dealing with the same scenario. How can someone whose husband never left or left and came right back for whatever their reason, be in the same position we find ourself. People who love us want to help and to take our pain away. Sometimes when they do this they either give us their take or they tend to sugar coat.
The facts are our husbands and in some cases wives, brought this damage with them into the marriage. This is not something that we could ever have known, although when we back up, there have been bits and pieces of this underlying truth throughout our marriage. We're just so busy while we're in it that we brush it aside and try not to dwell. I look at the relationship my husband had with his Mother and I think, "BINGO...how did I not question this?"
The reason I say that your thread touched my heart is because I could have written it 3 years ago. So I read it and all day it bothered me and tugged at my heart strings. See Holly, we are people lovers with Huge hearts. Not that I'd change that. The onething I have learned from this journey is that I would never want to be closed off or bitter, but because we are who we are, we can sometimes be taken for granted and taken advantage of. Your Husband has your number. He knows to you, nothing is more important then your family. So we make it possible for them to live with 1 foot in this life and 1 foot in the other life. Everytime they speak to us with anykind of warmth or hesitation we want to take that as a sign that somewhere in that confused head of theirs they are waking up and realizing what they are giving up, when in reality they are playing it so it is always to their advantage. Your husband sounds like a very P/A personality and shows it by acting oneway to you but all the while he's still with the OW. There again, you can never believe a thing he says or does until she is totally out of the picture, because until that happens there is a 3rd person in your marriage who really doesn't give a crap about you or your children. To this day I still look at my husband and feel sad because the man I loved is long gone.
I am not trying to tell you to give up. I would never do that. What I am trying to say is that people want what they can't have. I spent so much time looking for babysteps that I totally lost part of me. That works for the WAW because for some sick reason they like knowing that they still have our attention. My best advice to you would be to gently set some boundaries. Things you need and can live with.
So after more years then I care to admit I am finally divorced. I had 3 court apearances (more then anyon else I know), a house appraisal, a property appraisal and anything that they could think of to hold up the process. My settlement however is still not completed. There again when it's presented to them there is always something wrong, now it's down to the wording. I think I have the longest divorce on record. But I do think some men absolutely have to have the divorce to start their spiral back to reality. Funny thing is now that it's over and done, I am seeing bits and pieces of the man I married and way more contact then there has been for months. Maybe it is because we have all moved on or maybe he is at the end of his journey, but now I don't really spend much time trying to figure it out.
My point is that when I started here I was going to be the success story in saving my marriage. Maybe that didn't happen but I am still a success story. I am happy, I have the world's best kids and we are closer then ever. I have a wonderful family, the best friends and some wonderful men in my life. I'm not where I thought I would be at this point but this new life is exciting and fun.
Holly, I have no crystal ball so not I or anyone else can say that your husband won't be back, but what I do know is that Holly needs to know her worth, to herself and to others. He'll work through this one way or another and I guarantee Holly will be a winner no matter how this goes.
Take care of yourself. I'm always somewhere around here to be found if you need to talk.
