It has been 1 yr today since my husband left. I don't have many feelings right now. I thought I was going to be in bed all day, drinking away the sorrow, and reminding myself that he left me. Well, things didn't go as planned. I've been keeping myself busy with the kiddos, working, doing laundry, and now I'm online thinking of what has happened.
My H has come a long way. I'll give him that much. He is going through this "manopause". He's even put himself on youtube for fun. He's not advertising himself, it's for his bike club. I see a different man that is trying so hard to stay young. He's acting as if he were still between 19-21. How can this be? What happens to a man during this "change of life". Why does it happen? He's not going bald and he's not overweight. Ugh, I don't know what to think anymore. It sickens me to see him behave this childish. He's at a bar recording himself and friends......Why the heck do I want that "loser" in my life? That's not who I married. Hell no!!
I think today marks a new day. I'm not putting up with his @*it anymore. I've tried doing the 180 (having the home cleaned, dinner ready when he visits, doing his laundry...just making it comfortable for him). I'm thinking of doing a total 180 now. No more Mrs. Nice wife. I don't see him wanting to come back home. If he does, he's got a weird way of showing it. I'm through with guessing games. Dangit, i'm not a toy. I am a woman with feelings and I can't stand for a man to belittle me. I feel like he is belittling me. He doesn't appreciate what I do for him. He says thank you and all but it's just not enough. AM I BEING SELFISH? I'm confused. I'm angry that he's undecided and i'm angry that it's been one whole year of separation. So far no divorce. He's postponed it. Good thing I guess.
Could this possibly be THE light at the end of the tunnel? I feel ok right now. I'm not as devastated as I thought I'd be. One year of being apart is devastating. Not to mention our wedding anniversary is next month! 11 yrs...............I think I'm going to be just fine. My most trusted being says everything will be just fine. I trust in Him always. As long as I know that He will always protect me and comfort me, things will be ok.
me = 34 H = 35 kids = 3 worst day of my life: march 24, 2006 he filed: april 20 Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
Tell you what, when I am out w/girlfriends & kids tonight, I will say a special silent toast for you.
Not sure where I will be next August w/H, not sure if I could hang in there like you. You have very many VALID questions.
I would like to suggest as your friend, decide not to do anything today, or even next month on your 11yr anniversary. I just bet your H realizes what today is.
Keep you to yourself & don't let him see that it is affecting you. I am here sending you my support.
You have come along way & your D has been postponed. You are strong and can do this. You do not have to make a choice today.
Hugs!!! and more hugs....
MariS
"Going for the Gold & not the Booby prize"
Become the change you want to see.....
Me - 37 WAH - 35 child - 2yrs Separated - August '06 Married - 10yrs, Together 18 Not feeling WAH's internal struggle - Feb '08
hi MariS, thanks for responding. saturday night went by like this:
spent the night at my parents (i was house sitting) because my H went out of town on business. to my surprise....much to my surprise........he sent me a video showing me the place where he stayed and he even tried to show me the time on his phone. !!!! i didn't understand why but later on i did.
i had told him that i was doubting his whereabouts lately. he told me he hasn't lied about going out of town for work. so i think that's the reason he did that on the video. anyway, nothing has changed as far as him talking about our R. i don't ask and i don't expect him to either. it sucks. that night i thought i was going to feel miserable. for some reason God knows when to make things better. i shouldn't say better but it was something that took my mind of my H. my daughter started to feel sick and my attention was on her all night. i can't say that i feel 100% ok with my separation now, much less 50%. i miss my family being together. i miss those rainy days at home with everyone. i don't know how to take this comment though........"subconciously i do miss you. something way back in my mind tells me that i do miss you. but here (pointing to his face) i don't". i don't know how to take that.
what do you think?
me = 34 H = 35 kids = 3 worst day of my life: march 24, 2006 he filed: april 20 Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
wish i could've met someone by now. someone to hang out with or just someone to talk to. but that wouldn't ease the pain. i'm hurting so much right now that i don't feel like sleeping. i feel like staying up and crying. i told myself i wasn't going to do that but i feel it coming. wish i had xanax right now.
maris, i think i can meet you in waco one of these weekends when he has the kids. he hasn't had them lately, we've been spending the weekends together. but i think i may just tell him to keep them one weekend so we can finally just have a cup of coffee and talk away................
me = 34 H = 35 kids = 3 worst day of my life: march 24, 2006 he filed: april 20 Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
I've been keeping myself busy with the kiddos, working, doing laundry, and now I'm online thinking of what has happened.
Good for you.
Originally Posted By: maryfromaustin
I'm not putting up with his @*it anymore. I've tried doing the 180 (having the home cleaned, dinner ready when he visits, doing his laundry...just making it comfortable for him). I'm thinking of doing a total 180 now. No more Mrs. Nice wife.
I agree with you...sort of. After this long (and with the D in play), it's time for him to learn how to do his own laundry and fix his own meals too. But it's easy to go overboard and instead of simply no longer being "Mrs. Nice Wife", you become "Mrs. Hell Wife". Don't do it. Instead, schedule visits outside of meal times (or make sure you're unavailable during them). Go out with friends or by yourself to eat if you need an excuse. If he's dropping off his laundry (that takes a lot of nerve), tell him you've got a busy week ahead and will get to it when you can. Then let it sit for a good while before you do it. Consider it weaning him off of you. He'll feel it in time and you'll get a much better result then one day saying, "Wash your own &(@#* clothes!" when you just can't take it any more.
Originally Posted By: maryfromaustin
I'm through with guessing games.
Good. You shouldn't be playing them and neither should he.
Originally Posted By: maryfromaustin
He doesn't appreciate what I do for him. He says thank you and all but it's just not enough.
I'm not sure I understand. He is showing gratitude. What more do you expect for a kindness?
Originally Posted By: maryfromaustin
So far no divorce. He's postponed it. Good thing I guess.
Not if you want to be rid of him. But if you don't, then it is a good thing. Everything is relative and while it's not the greatest, I don't think you fully appreciate it's value either. Some of the folks here with the D final and everything over but the shouting would be envious of your sitch.
His on-the-road video means that either he recognizes that what he's doing could be misconstrued or he's covering for something (though I doubt it). Either way, it means he's thinking about how this looks from your side. Again, some folks here would give their right arm for their WAS to give any thought as to what they are feeling.
Originally Posted By: maryfromaustin
I don't know how to take this comment though..."subconciously I do miss you. something way back in my mind tells me that I do miss you. But here (pointing to his face) I don't". I don't know how to take that.
Personally, I don't think I'd spend much time wondering how to take it. I don't put much stock in what my WAW has to say because half of it is nonsense and I have no way of knowing which half it is. So I pretty much let it all go in one ear and out the other. When she's ready to have a "real" talk, she'll say so. Until she is (or until she is capable of saying that), there's no point in getting worked up over anything.
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down. I hope you gave yourself permission to have a good cry. I don't do it very much any more (I'm six months into the separation with D filed, but apparently "on hold"), but on occassion I just feel the need to let the sadness out. That's OK. You don't want to be falling apart all the time (and it doesn't sound like you are), but sometimes it's good to let it out. I've found that holding it in for too long just makes it worse when the dam finally breaks (and it always does).
guess i should explain the laundry situation. he doesn't bring his weekly laundry; when he comes over he spends the weekend with us. since i used to do laundry on sundays, then i'd throw his stuff in there too. so it's not like he asks me to do his laundry or me ask him to bring his stuff either.
journaling:
Easter. jeez, need i say more. we had planned, and I do mean WE, a fun weekend with the kids. friday he came over, we went out to dinner as a family (i treated because i had an awesome work week $$$). saturday was rainy and cold and just vegged, rented movies, made kettle popcorn, and just enjoyed time together. FYI: friday was a very sexual night. i had told myself not to do anything with him but when the going got tough, i couldn't control myself. it was fun though.
sunday....the kids were driving me nut and i sensed he was feeling overwhelmed with the kids. he decided to go on a bike ride while we went to church and that he was annoyed by the kids. HELLO! so was i but where was i going to go? we kinda got into an argument because of that. i told him he couldn't just walk away whenever he wanted to. then he said he was just aggravated by the kids fighting/shouting/teasing, etc etc. i understand that, but things got out of hand. he went on his bike ride and i just felt alone again with the kids. he called after church and asked what we were going to do. i felt tired of the wishy washy situation. one week he wants to stay with our agreement instead of the standard visitation. he comes over whenever he wants to see the kids instead of every other weekend. we agreed on this because of the kids sake. then he says he wants to stay with the standard orders!!!! i finally told him he can't have it however he wants whenever he wants. i'm not at his beckon call. i was fed up! i told him if that was his final decision then so be it. he said it was. i said ok. things got icy cold afterwards. i took the kids to his house and spent the rest of the day by myself. i felt horrible. i felt alone. i felt miserable. i felt like a dumb#@s for believing him all this time that he wanted to do the right thing for the kids. i went home and cried. i had a good long talk with a higher power. i needed an answer. i needed comfort. if i was going to be firm about his decision, how was i going to deal with the kids emotions? what about them? they've been so happy with the time they've spent with their dad so far that it would just ruin their hopes of having their parents get along.
i took a while to think things through. if it were the old me, i would immediately act on his decision. I would behave very aggressive and rude. when he called later that evening he told me he'd be bringing the kids home. i told him ok. (he probably assumed i would go pick them up). i held my breath and said ok again. i didn't want to argue at all. we hung up and i asked myself..........should i continue being cold? i took a deep breathe, closed my eyes, and picked up the phone. i told him i'd pick up the kids. when i got there we had a long talk. he said he didn't want the standard orders. he wants what's best for the kids but that he didn't want to spend the night at my house anymore. he doesn't want to give the kids the wrong impression (us getting back together). i said ok. he said let's start over and be friends again. so we ended the evening with peace.
this sure is a rollercoaster ride. i hate it. one minute i wanna give up on him then i want to continue working on our marriage. i hate this feeling. ' what was that old "therapist" saying (when dealing with MLC)........you have to wait a month for every year of marriage or was it a year for every ...i dunno mumbo jumbo. have a good day everyone. i'm hoping i continue staying positive on this new path.
me = 34 H = 35 kids = 3 worst day of my life: march 24, 2006 he filed: april 20 Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
