My Aunt told me that just a few days ago. Thanks Joe. I have to believe it, it just seems that I'm in dark cave and I just can't see my way out. Maybe if I'm just still for a while, I'll see a chink of light...
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Joe wrote me offline and let me know that you posted... I came as soon as I could.
He asked you a question that I think is important, and that's the one about where your XH lives now? Are you still doing that wild commute with the girls, or did he move back east? Last we spoke, he was reconsidering that move.
I'll first start out with a big hug... (((((Barb)))))
I wondered long ago how your arrangement would work in the long term. You seem to have been stuck taking care of everyone else without much true support anywhere. Have you really communicated with your siblings about stepping in to help you care for your dad? I know you said that they are great, but I'm wondering if you've not shared your burdens with them?
And then there's XH with the girls. Girlfriend, I know you're too busy taking care of everyone else and cleaning up all their messes to really take care of you. (How about your personal Rs?) Who can you ask--and rely on--to help you take care of yourself while bearing the lion's share of the burden in caring for others? Where are your boundaries with all of this? (BTW, that is not meant to be a judgmental question but one to make you think about what needs to be delegated or eliminated from your current "to do" list.)
How can you reallocate some time to tend to some extreme self care? From where I sit, this has got to be your first step in reclaiming YOU.
Also, have you had a chat with your girls in stepping up to assume more responsibility with you? I realize that underneath it all, you might not feel this is fair to ask of them, but the simple truth is that they can all chip in to some degree to make life a little easier for you. You're no good to them as a fried and worn out mom, Barb.
I wish we were closer--and I'd definitely step in to help you out. Unfortunately, the geography will only allow emotional support. Oh, and BTW, looks like we'll be in Minneapolis again in April.
Last, but definitely not least, I'm wondering WTH about your XH and his bizarre texts. All I can think is that he's trying to engage you from a more juvenile POV and it's best not to indulge him in that cat and mouse game. After all, if he really wants to talk to you from the heart, he knows where you are.
Big hugs, friend.
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Oh Betsy, good to hear from you. XH is still in Kansas City and yes, for the most part, we still meet half way in Story City, Iowa. He had to cancel his 4 weeks of visitation this summer because his fiance had moved (ahead of him, without him, whatever) to New Hampshire. He found he couldn't handle the kids and work without a her assistance. He still saw them one weekend each month, but that meant driving 2 out of the 3 weekend days...not much time in between. I think one of the visits was in Wisconsin with his folks, so that was nice, but he had to fly in. Good for me, but expensive for him.
My sister is supportive, but my brothers have taken themselves out of the picture when it comes to dad. I think they just don't know how to deal with the situation. I don't blame them for not liking it, not understanding it, but I do wish they would come around more often. And truthfully, dad seems to feel more comfortable with me than he would with them anyway. I certainly couldn't imagine them taking care of some of the issues I've had to deal with.
Yeah, I think XH is just lonely and looking for someone to talk to. Honestly, I have taken a hard look at things and wonder if we could ever get back together and just can't imagine it. I don't really think that's what he's looking for, but yes, I think he's lonely and bored without his gf.
As for the girls helping out, yes, I think it's about time. I'm just swamped.
Thanks for chiming in. I'll write off-line too, k?
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Hey, anyone out there? I stopped in to say hi, but I'm just not sure if any of my friends are around here anymore.
I remember when it seemed like you all were my only friends, or at least the only ones who really knew what I was going through. Life is normalized now, whatever that means, huh? It's a new normal. I'm often surprised at how sure I am that men are going to cheat...in some way, if not by having an affair, something else.
I guess I shouldn't blame it all on men. There are plenty of men here who have been cheated on, for them, I wonder if they have a general mistrust of women too.
My X still calls to talk sometimes. It's usually after chatting with the kids. He asks to talk to me and I can tell he's choked up when he asks how they are, if they are healthy, happy. I assure him they are. I wish they could see him more often, but since his GF has moved so far away, he doesn't have the help he needs to make visits easier. I don't think he ever imagined what a mess his life could become. I'm sure it seemed life would be perfect, but it was all a fantasy really. Reality sucks when it comes down to divorce, losing time with your kids, selling your home, changing jobs...all things he did not forsee when imagining his perfect life with the woman of his dreams. Now it seems like she's doing the same thing to him that she did to her last husband, leaving him high and dry and running away half way across the country.
Enough about him, although, discussing his problems is more exciting than getting into the normal, day to day, monotony of my life. I shouldn't say that. Every day is something different. Some days we have Cheerios, some days, Frosted Flakes. See how exciting my life is?
I'll check back in a few days to see how things are going around here. Take care everyone.
B
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
I remember one of the reasons my EX told me that she didn't want to work on our marriage was because she wanted to go ahead with her life and she didn't want to waste any time working on our marriage just in case it didn't work out. She was so confidant that her live would be wonderful without me but trying to work things out was a risk... Now she lives alone, she can't keep up with her bills or maintain her house, she hasn't seen her son in months. I don't think this is what she had planned.
I hope your having a great day.
ALL
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
It was a pleasant surprise to see an update.....I am glad to hear that you are back on track to a "normal" life.
Yep, I seem to have the same problem as you; just expecting men to cheat. I don't think we would be normal at this stage if we weren't expecting that. But, we need to remember that not all men are like the x's......there are actually some very good ones out there (at least on this board).
How is your dad? I seem to remember there was quite a bit of conflict with him and one of your daughters.
Conflict with one of my daughters? Oh Yeah. My D6, delightful little carbon copy of her mother. I remember being called a rattle-ass by my grandfather, my father's father. Neither apple fell far from the tree there, huh?
X still calls to chat with me every so often. Usually when he just needs someone to talk to. A friendly ear. What's up with that? Guess I must've done something right somewhere along the line. He recently told the girls that if GF doesn't marry him soon, he's going to move to Minnesota. That would be interesting.
Dad's been getting less independent lately, needing more care and attention, time. I joined a caregiver's forum. Not sure it will be as much fun as DivorceBusting, but, heck, not many things in this world are as much fun as this place.
Sick, tired and in need of ...sleep. B
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Bets
