The way I see it, you are on the right track so far...at least you're busy formulating a plan and the appraisal thing sounds great! Have you ever considered doing title research as well? Perhaps that's something you could freelance and create a flexible schedule for you. Just something else to think about.
Believe me, I understand the constraints you're under...with three young children and no help, its extremely difficult to jump start your life. But I wonder how much your plans would be derailed by moving back in with SO and getting caught up in all his drama at this point. At some point I would predict that his drama would overwhelm you and you'd be further in a hole than you are now.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Is there anyway you could move back in the house and SO move out? I know you tried that before, but I think you are in a different place (emotionally) now.
Also, have you checked in to what services are available to single moms? I would think there must be some sort of help for you to get back on your feet.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Haven't checked in in a really long time. Now I come back here and I have to say I'm so happy to see your progress. Just wanted to point it out incase you haven't noticed it yourself.
The progress that I've noticed is your clarity as to the extremeness of XSO's problems and your outline of what he would need to do to fix things, also your realistic view of him doing them anytime soon.
So that's a major step forward. Awesome!
Where does your family live and would you want to be closer to them geographically?
I’ve been doing some research and there are no online programs for the Appraiser Licensing - you need to attend classes in person.
SO has been very erratic. We went to the travel trailer last week and he found some problems with the brakes on my truck and asked me to come to his house so he could fix them. The kids & I stayed for a few days. Now, again, since we left, kissing me goodbye saying talk to you soon - (last Thursday) haven’t heard from him. No calls to the kids, nothing.
While I was there, he started a flaming argument with me about stuff from the week before (me not lending him the money he wanted, etc, etc.) I have actually asked him what his thoughts were about us moving back, me going to school, and him helping out with the kids while I was in class. I presented it to him in a way that it wouldn’t be about “us” getting back together, but more about me getting my licensure while saving money, etc. No response from him except for him saying to me that he “Hasn’t forgotten about it, but he’s thinking.” OK. So, only a couple weeks ago he’s asking me to move in, now when I “ask” him, he’s not giving me an answer. Shrug.
I’ve thought a lot about the implications of me moving back there, and I can’t really figure out if it’s a good idea or not. Sometimes, yes - I’m so detached from all his crap that I ’think” I’d be able to tough it out; then on the other hand, like you pointed out Rob- not sure if I’d get sucked back into all that drama and come out worse. But anyway, school starts in a little more than 2 weeks, and I really need an answer in the next couple of days, so it looks like I’ll have to ask him what his answer is. I’d have to get the girls transferred, myself registered, etc, etc and can’t do it on a moments notice. And honestly, whatever. If I stay here, I stay here - I’ll figure something out. If he says yes, then I go in that direction. I’ll admit I’m just getting impatient for an answer.
So, that’s where I’m at. Been enjoying the summer with the kids - fair, hanging out with family. It’s been a good summer so far. Tomorrow taking D8, niece 8, nephew 13 to NYC. I can’t wait!! This is the one thing I’ve been looking forward to all summer!
Just feel the need to echo the sentiments of OT here.....be especially wary, I would agree that some things are just not worth the costs at this point. No matter how detached you are from this situation, SO is decidely on a path to destruction and by being there, you will only become an unwilling co-star in the drama. In addition to dealing with the increase workload you'll be under with going to school, you'll have to deal with SO's shenanigans.
Sorry, I'm not painting a very positive picture here, but it seems to me that you've taken very big steps in distancing yourself from this soap opera and I'd hate to see you give in based on misguided necessity.
Other than that, I'm glad to hear the summer is going good.....what are the big plans in NYC?
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
....I should've seen this coming. Another OW. And, once again, I'm devastated on the inside. WHY? Why does this man get to me so bad? Why the hell am I STILL stuck??? What is it going to take for me to stop wanting him, and our family as a whole again????
Thoughts of the movie Bruce Almighty are in my head...the part where the girl just keeps praying to God for help in forgetting about him. I keep saying it every night - please God, let me wake up and not feel anything for him anymore.
Every time I think I"m on the way to OK - I lose it again. I just want to forget.
You are devestated because you have been waiting around for years for this to sort itself out so that your life is better.
You need to make your life better regardless of what happens to your sitch. SO is not going to fix your life. Time to become an independent adult and take care of yourself.
Extract yourself from this sitch. Quit relying on him and his family.
(1) Get legal child support in place. (2) Move. (3) Get a job. (4) Get loans to get the training you need. (5) Get training. (6) Get a better job.
No more excuses. Quit waiting for SO to fix things. Fix them yourself. Now.
1) Get legal child support in place. (I already have this, but I need to work to supplement it) (2) Move. (Did this - although still looking for my own place) (3) Get a job. (Working on this as well. Am also working on finding pre-school for the 2 little ones) (4) Get loans to get the training you need. (5) Get training. (Am looking into this as well.) (6) Get a better job. (Have to find “a” job first)
And, one can simultaneously be working on a better life, which is what I feel I am doing… and STILL hurt inside. One can go to work every day, or school, or out on a date even, and still have the thoughts creep in. Just because you are doing one thing doesn’t completely obliterate the other thoughts of hurt.
And I’ve not stopped my life - as a matter of fact, have done MORE this summer than I have done (with XSO) in several years. So, it’s not exactly like I’m sitting around “pining” or “crying” over him….yet, when I find out something like this, I realize that I’m still “emotionally” involved. And that “emotional” involvement takes a hell of a lot longer to get over.
So, while I appreciate your advice, it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for yesterday. Yesterday I was down. There’s really no one for me to talk with about this stuff, except for here. With people who have gone through, or are currently going through the same thing. You went through this a long time ago; you’ve moved on, remarried, new life - and a happy one and that is great. But I think that sometimes you may forget about how you felt back then. And you’re advice is usually right and dead on and to the point, but we’re not all in the same place you are - YET.
After my day of being down, I went out for a little while last night and it helped. So, I’ve bounced back today. But yesterday - I needed to feel the pain. I NEEDED to. I don’t know how to explain it other than it was something I needed to go through to get to the other side.
