My blog, no, I haven't updated in a while. I don't know what it is, I have been so down & depressed lately. I can't seem to snap out of it. I've been very, very lazy about lots of things lately.
Still can't find a place to live; XSO is still nuts and all over the place. There's crap going on my family that I'm tired of. Living here is really starting to get to me. I even told MIL I felt like packing up a U-haul, getting in it with the kids and pointing south. I've had it with everything and everyone.
I know everyone has bad days, but mine seems to have extended a lot longer than a few days and I can't seem to shake it off. Yesterday XSO got mad at me for 2 reasons - the first he wanted to borrow money - I told him no. That infuriated him. Then he called at 4 pm demanding to take D8 overnight - again I told him no. The story behind that - he was on his cell and literally said to me "I'm at XY place, I want D8, make up your mind yes or no right now" - not being able to hear him very well, I told him no. Needless to say, now he's all p!ssed off, yelling at me and saying nasty hurtful things. Yesterday he had a court appearance stemming from his arrest by XOW, so I know he wasn't in the best of moods from 9 AM on (the money he wanted to borrow was $2000 for a retainer for his lawyer) - and my telling him no a few times made things worse, but that's no reason to take everything out on me.
But I just can't figure why it even matters to me. I don't know why it matters what the guy says or thinks about me. I thought I was doing all right, but I guess it all catches up after a bit. Mixed in with some issues with my sisters & brother, I'm very tired of all the crap and want it all to go away. But it doesn't.
I'm venting here, lol, and I know I'm whining. Something I don't usually do, so pardon me until I snap out of it.
I'm so sorry about everything going on. I wish I could offer more help, but at the least vent away all you want and whine too, this is the right place to do both.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Sorry to hear it as well :-( Wish I could offer something witty or helpful to say.....
Ups and downs, hopefully you'll be on an upswing now.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Ya know what, just writing that I'm feeling down has made a huge difference. I think that I hold everything in for so long - I never let anyone see what I'm feeling, always try to be everyone's rock; always try to be the tough one - I never allow myself to wallow in self-pity. But, I feel hurt, feel pain and just because I don't let anyone see it, doesn't mean I'm not that way on the inside.
I know I need to focus and get my crap together. What will be, will be. And I guess I should either come here and post or post on my blog just to get the stuff out. I just get kind of sick of thinking & writing about it all the time, though. Sometimes keeping it fresh doesn't seem to help me get past it. I don't know. (I'm shrugging, lol.)
The only way out is through, my friend. So let's talk about your plans for the future, shall we? You've got babies to support and a career to get going, since obviously SO cannot be counted on as a stable future source of support.
So - what do you want to do with your life? Got any career goals? If you could envision your life 5 years from now, what would it be like? What would you have accomplished? Where would you be living and what would be your occupation? Paint me a picture. Or a road map
J I can always count on Ellie and OT to point me in the right direction! LOL
Ellie, I had been in Real Estate, however upon the birth of #2, it was a tough job to have - you kind of have to be at the beck & call of your clients. So, I took a job in Condo Management, still in the Real Estate “field” just didn’t require a license (which lapsed) and also provided me with 9-5 hours and a steady paycheck. Where I live now, there’s no companies that do that kind of work. ….And, now with 3 kids, going back into sales isn’t the best choice - no steady paycheck; no set hours; it’s a job that requires a lot of time & energy with little payback until you’ve spent a few years “establishing” yourself. Last fall I looked into Appraisal Licensing and I am very interested in that. I could freelance or work for a company and the hours are steady and the paychecks are steady. Obtaining licensure and certification takes about 6 months and only costs around $1000. There’s start-up fees involved with that, I would need a lap-top and a few other things, but it’s a good job and a good choice for me. The only problem is there is no training programs around here. L I’d have to drive 2 hours (one way) to get to the closest school.
My biggest hurdle right now is daycare. 2 kids in daycare - my soon to be 5 year old misses the Kindergarten cut-off date. Her birthday is at the end of December….the cut-off is Dec 1st - so, that’s one more year of daycare or pre-school that I need to pay for. So, 2 kids in daycare runs about $275 a week around here. Quite simply - I can’t afford it. I only get $1200 /month in child support and even without rent expenses and bills I’m still running low on money. It’s almost as if I need to continue to be a SAHM mom until next fall.
I’m real aggravated with everything. Sometimes the thought of moving back into SO’s just for the next year has crossed my mind. Let him help me out with this. The community college offers the Appraisal courses right there in the town and he needs to buck up and be the father he hasn’t been for the last 4 years. I can’t do this without some sort of help. And I don’t have anyone around here to help me. I mean, his mom is great letting us live here and all - but she works - she can’t watch the kids for me. There isn’t anyone I know that could watch the kids for me or even help me out with picking them up or anything. It’s tough. I’m in a tough spot. And I’m usually real good with problem solving, but I’m having a hard time with trying to figure out how to get ahead. I’m not whining today, lol - just stating my issues. Trying to come up with some kind of creative solution.
OT - I’d LOVE to move back down south. I just don’t think it’s possible this year. I don’t want to go running off half-assed without a set plan. As a single woman (with no kids) it would be something I would do in a split second…and quite frankly - I did once (that‘s kinda how I got in this predicament, lmao!!) But the responsibility of the kids and what’s best for them and how to provide for them causes me to take precautions. So while it’s a thought I (constantly) have in the back of my mind, it will have to wait until a later date.
I guess I’m just tired. Emotionally exhausted. I had some things planned for the next few weeks and for one reason or another all 3 events have been cancelled. L That has me down. I know I need a break. A real break in order to think clearly, but I just never get it. Like today, my D4 has been up since 4 AM throwing up, diarrhea…fun. I really don’t know how others do it. So many other women out there with kids, single and they work it out somehow. I wish I could get it worked out already.
