He is leaving to be alone to THINK - now what?

[ourcrisis]

Recap: A started in May, bomb in Oct, h never left home but continues seeing OW (PA turned back to EA after I found out and I trust him on that). He basically has been sitting on the fence.

Yesterday he said no one is happy currently and this cannot go on forever. But he cannot make up his mind. He decided to move out and be alone for 2 weeks to decide. During which time, he will have no contact from both women.

I am very scared now but I think this may be a way to solve this impass.

Now, what do I do? I guess nothing but wait. And prepare myself for the worst, I suppose. I am pessimistic and think he may be just doing this to preserve a good relationship between us for the kids. Then he will tell me he is staying with OW after 2 weeks. But that seems silly to go through all this trouble because there is really no need to. All he has to do is tell me straight out. So I don't know what to make of it really.

Any comments? (I may be just venting, but if you have anything to say, please do)

[*KS*Chick*]

2 weeks. GAL, have no expectations AT ALL from him.

[Heartbroken]

I sent my H to the apt after I found out they were talking again and he brought into our home when the kids and I were gone for a weekend. That was the weekend of 2/16 - he moved out 2/24. I helped him move literally. Packed up cleaning supplier and paper prods. When grocery shopping and basically help him set up home. I said I would not even considering filing for 4-6 mos so he could see her in the real world not in the fantasy bubbleland the lived in. We worked out a schedule for the kids he picks them up from school takes them home but one night he takes them to the apt for dinner. We had dinner at our home one night. He has taken them the last two Fridays all day Sat. and I have them Sat night. Sunday we tried to do something as a family. The point is he needs to have his kids because that will be real life D. The way our kids reacted just helped my case they are withdraing from him. I have been this GAL but loving supportive Wife and it took him less than two weeks to tell the Ow buh bye. I am not 100% sure he's done but he finally made a decision - the right decision in my mind. He wants to continue what we as a family have been doing without her around at all. See my sitch for her vortex life she has with her new ex and kids....ugly....

Bottom line is he got a taste of what a D would be like being without his kids and home and he did not like what he was seeing. Ow was pressuring big time to file and he hated that to. I think he thought I was thinking of filing (started looking at condos) but I never would have done it...

Cannot say this is how you sitch will go but you cannot hang on to him - let him go, detach and GAL they will all help big time!

Do you really want him if he doesn't want you? I know this hurts I did not want the apt either but he wanted to just file for D and I thought I still had a chance if we were just separated...

[Doe]

Yet again i find you in exactly my past sich OurCrisis! When my h moved out in November it was with just that professed aim - to see neither of us and to find out how he felt. LOL. In reality he kept in close contact with me (he had the excuse of the kids) and i facilitated this cos i was too terrified to cut him off. Meanwhile he also kept in touch with her whilst lying to me about it! I may be a cynic but i am pretty sure that a request like this is him manoevering for personal space to see more of her while he decides if she will fit the bill for the full time post. The good news for you is that like most males he has no idea how losing his home will affect him. The bad news is that if he continues home contact and visits you for cake eating sessions this truth will not dawn on him at all until it's possibly too late. Having been there, the only thing that affected my h was cutting him off. Reality dawned pretty quickly when he didn't get me for safe base and her for fun. Don't let him come into your home to see the kids - give him a taste of reality post divorce style. He gets to take them to McDonalds etc if he wants to spend time with them. Meanwhile YOU go out looking good - and no, there is no need to tell him where or with who. A situation for him to ponder.

My take on this is he loves you - but he's not feeling it at the moment. Too confused and guilty. His affair was interrupted before it ran its natural course and he's looking to resume it to make this mythical "decision". He has learned from past experience that you will hang in and hold on for your marriage so feels safe to dilly while he decides - he may be under pressure from OW also who believe me will see this as a golden opportunity. Keep showing your natural dignity, don't pressure him but explain your boundaries to him and stick to them. Basically NO contact with you until he finishes any kind of relationship with her. Where he lives is immaterial but he needs to finish this EA. Good luck.

[Heartbroken]

See my OW (wow that sounds weird) was pressuring him to file and it bothered her how much time he was with me, at our home, doing things for me. She just wanted him to file. If I would have forced him to not see me how was he to see my changes (not sad, no clingy, getting on w/out him). I was afraid he would have the Ow all the time and get used to her. There is a fine line here and you have to think of your H and where he is at right now. I seriously doubt he has not talked with her. I was told the same thing for three weeks they get sooooo goood at lying...

[Heartbroken]

Actually I think an EA is way harder to get over than the PA...

[Heartbroken]

They do not know how to be straight! I only asked for the truth cuz the lies hurt way more later on and he still continued to lie.

[ourcrisis]

Since Nov, he has gone from "I have to leave you because I cannot leave her" to "planning to leave" to "I will leave to the guest room" to "undecided" to "I am gonna leave her" to "I can't" to "undecided" to "I am leaning towards you" to "undecided" to "I will be alone so I can decide to end everyone's suffering". I have let him seen my positive changes so he will have a positive image of me, i hope. Meanwhile, I know OW has been pressuring him because he has been with me a whole lot. I trust him to a level but would not be surprised if he is moving out to be with her.
He is sending mixed messages (aren't they all :-) because he would talk about asset separation and moving back after 2 weeks in the same breath. Reading all your posts clears my mind to assess the situation better. In some sense, I am "glad" that he is doing this because everyday he sits on the fence, the less respect I have for him. So regardless whether he is "deciding" or just giving me a "soft landing" before he officially leaves, it probably is all for the better.
Personally I think 2 weeks is a terribly short time to "think" because h is very independent and can really live alone without missing "family life", but well, 2 weeks is his own limit. Doe, your idea of no contact till he is done is good. Heartbroken, I will need to visit your thread on your separation. Thanks for telling me to GAL.

[ourcrisis]

Just to update you with my situation. He found an apt. Far from our home and his work but it will work. I originally think he is moving out in a day or two but he is actually moving out in about 2 weeks. Geez, I thought I would have my freedom sooner!! (just joking). He told me he is scared, so am I. But I think this needs to be done.
He wants the kids on the weekend but since we are not telling the kids daddy is moving out but only working/travelling, we do not know how he can have them for the whole weekend yet.
We are also discussing level of contact. I am thinking no contact whatsoever, assuming i can plan everything in advance regarding kids so we don't have to communicate at all because I want him to miss us. He, on the other hand, wants to keep in touch every so often (to pick up things, emails, text messages, etc.). This guy really cannot let go. Any experience on what you may have done?

[Doe]

I know you are joking - but don't underestimate how much it DOES actually feel like freedom when they go. You are treading on eggshells and under loads of pressure - it will feel like a huge relief when he does go. Quickly followed by the "what's he doing now i can't keep an eye on him" jitters but there you are - no-one says doing the right thing is always easy. Well, the first time i let him come and go as he pleased. What a twit i was!! He had it both ways and no wonder he told me 3 weeks after moving out that he didn't miss me "at all" (no i hadn't even asked!). After i discovered he was STILL seeing OW i tightened right up. Surgically removed his keys - he didn't like that but then he didnt have to, he wasn't living here. Told him he would not be entering the house without my permission at any time and he would only see the children outside of our home as i didn't want him in it.
This was easier for me as he went to live in another house we own that we previously rented out and gave out to the kids this was for tax purposes. They were able to go there to visit with him. When he threatened to come into our home whenever he wanted as he pays the mortgage i told him he would need to tell the kids what he had been up to first and then we would see how they felt about that. He backed down immediately - just remember Our Crisis, however little YOU want the kids to know the low quality of their fathers current behaviour - HE wants it even less!! As you are not telling the kids what is happening i don't see how its feasible for him to have them at his new place. If he's still set on only 2 weeks(and i agree with you here, its much too short a time) then thats only 1 weekend to get through. Tell him to take them away somewhere maybe? A theme park or treat for the weekend? Visiting relatives?

Keep your contact with him as low as possible (you will be amazed at the excuses they come up with to speak) and ABSOLUTELY don't let him in for "emails etc". Tell him to be very careful to pack everything he needs 'cos he's not coming back till he's made up his mind to marriage with only 2 people in it. Anything direly urgent can always be hung from the gate in a plastic bag!
In my case OC, my husband HATED this treatment. He rapidly decided she wasn't worth it. He has needed a bit of help with the logistics of dumping her (they tend to be overly concerned for the tarts feelings at this stage) but with my help has scraped her off his shoe. He really needs NC or as little as humanly possible with you and the family to help him wake up and smell the coffee. Careful planning now will help you with this - post us on how it goes!