Dragging me from the curb into Court..... AGAIN!

[BeingMe]

I am so sorry about what happened in court on Friday. It is a travesty of justice that someone could just drag another person into court without proof, or anything. Remind your D to remember things your XH says, like the threat of dragging you into court. My goodness, he is such an idiot. Do you keep a journal? It is a great idea to have someone always present when XH or his idiot W is in your presence. Also, perhaps you should tape (if it's legal) all conversations on the phone with your children and XH (that comment made to your D may've been picked up), and save all emails your XH may send.

I am glad you are planning on taking control of this sitch, and getting your XH off your back, once and for all. Contact people he may have wronged, any records he may have in CA, and anything else you can get your hands on to get your case across in court.

Good luck, and take care.

[Between Tears]

MMMM, Hot tub, what I do right now for a hot tub! I hope you, your wife and her friend were able to relax and have a memorable time.

As for what you have given me, yes, I do agree, as there is value in what you say. My anger comes from this constant ebb and flow of control, this power struggle that I do have in my life. I've come to despise what the xh has been doing, although on an emotional plane, I understand a lot of it, and why he is doing the things he is doing. My anger comes from the pain I see in my children. The pain he is causing them, from the pain I cause them, by not being able to distance ourselves legally from his control. My anger comes from a need to protect them from his abuse, from this insanity, and my frustrations with my inability to set and keep proper boundaries for the children.

I see xh using the court system to continue his control around us, and dragging us into his crazy world. It's not only me, but my family. His constant lies and accusations fill our case, as if I've been the one who has done all of this damage. My frustration is that xh's attorney, although a woman, will not acknowledge the craziness she sees, the strange inconsistancies, the emotional pain inflicted upon my children, but constantly goes for the win. The win at all costs, regardless of what the truth is. I know she can't be so naive to believe every lie xh has told her.

My frustration has been from not being able to choose an attorney, organization, or people who are able to help me bring out the truth, the truth that could enlighten the court, so that the court can do a better job at protecting the rights of my children. My children now, are holding on to mere threads of hope, hurt deeper than they, themselves can acknowledge. I am angry with myself for not making better choices in my life, so that I could have saved them from the place we are in now. I should have, could have done better. I have been feeling powerless, yet with my anger and upset, I continue to try to regain the enough control in our own lives to bring back the peace I know we have shared.

I don't want to control xh, for I am powerless to do so. I would like for him to continue his life, in the direction he has chosen for himself, and leave us behind to continue our own. The life he has now, no longer matches the lifestyle the children and I had or have today. He is now, a totally different person, with different morals, standards, ideals, energy, which no longer harmonizes with our own. I wish him, his own peace, happiness, love, and future, which he has clearly defined the world much differently than what the children and I have tried to establish. He has no respect for who we are as a family, as he tries to instill his own set of values into our lives as he wants the children to approve of what he has done and who he is now, unconditional acceptance, for to do so, would change who they are, in order to fit his own image or the reflection he wants to see.

The power or control I am trying to maintain, is for us to be able to choose a set of guidelines that we all can live by, and not have xh change them a few months later. These guidelines are the boundaries I am trying to keep, the ones he once promised to the children, and myself, so that we can feel safe in our own home, knowing we won't have something else ripped from out lives. All we've wanted, has been a home, a place we can come home to, and be ourselves, to celebrate the joy and happiness we find within ourselves as a family.

I am tired of the drama, the hostile energy surrounding xh and his own life, the life he has chosen. It constantly overflows into our lives, as he brings it with him each time he approaches. If he would stop trying to intergrate his present life with our past life, for the two lives are at polar opposites of the spectrum. I brings so much confusion into our life, and truly upsets the children.

I know, I don't have a choice, but have to live with what is. I just wish I could protect the children from all of this adversity.

Take care of you, God Bless

Love,

Laughing

[Between Tears]

Thank you so much Being Me,

Yes, yes, that's it, a lot of it, xh is able to drag me into court, make his accusations, without proof of what he says, and then I am held responsible for his allegations. It is so frustrating not being able to bring the truth to the surface, or have xh at least prove to the court what he says, or for me to be able to show the proof I have, in order to expose his lies for what they are. I just can't predict his lies, so that I have the proof in hand when I enter the court room on that day. I don't know how to bring the information I have to the courts attention after he has had his say. If only once, they would look at the proof I have for all of his statements, I could show the court what is really going on.

Yes, I do keep a journal, as I also have nearly everything that has gone on, posted right here, on this web site. Also, today, I have copied and filed three different Instant messages from both kids, on file too. It seems just yesterday, xh and his wife were talking about the Hooter's incident, in front of D, laughing at me, because it never happend! Yes, Hooters had been brought up in court, yet, xh denies it ever happened, as he also knew the information came from D. While also at the mall, xh bought S a pair of running shoes for $75, and a repair kit for a few (DVD/CD) games S had for his play station. xh allowed D to buy a set of earing she found at Clairs in the mall. This alone shows the inconsistency of how he treats the two children, as he has accused me of doing. He has also said that I tell D that it will make me happy if she stays home with me.... and this is not the case.

D told me she will not be able to bear a full week of this when she goes to CA. Also, she told me they didn't get dinner last night, although did have lunch around 3:00pm. She woke up starving, yet had to wait until her father woke up to have breakfast... she had to wait nearly 4 hours for him to get up. Her allergies are getting her down also, and all she wants to do is come home.

I have the IMs on file and plan on sending them to my attorney this week. I don't think it will stop from her from having to go, but I have told her she needs to keep an open mind about this upcoming trip.

I just feel so helpless at times, it's not the way I like to feel.

Thanks again, take care of you, God Bless

Love,

Laughing

[M Go Blue]

Laughing

I feel your pain. At least the parts that I have experienced.

I can not feel the pain of a mother trying to protect her children from pain. This is impossible for me to experience.

I have experienced my XW telling my children what she believed was the truth or reality of our marriage and our past. I only know a limited amnount of specifics of what she has said to them. My children and I do not discuss what is said between them and their mother. This is just the way it is.

It has made me feel upset believing that she has probably told them lies about me and has only given her side of the story. My children are grown now and hopefully can see through some of the BS.

I can understand your reasoning for what you are doing. You want your XH out of your life and to leave your children and you alone.

Unfortunately, this is not possible. He is their father and you are the mother of his children. You will always be connected to each other. Yes, you can limit your contact with XH and only speak to him as necessary. But with child support, custody and visitation issues, there is no stopping the continual contacts between him, you and the children.

In your attempt to use External Power to control the situation and avoid dealing with your XH, you are creating more negative enrgy and fueling the flames of the fire.

I attempted to prove that I was right and my XW was wrong in regards to spousal support over the last 2 years in dealing with lawyers and the court. What was the end result? My wallet was about $7,500 lighter. I spent a tremendous amount of mental and physical energy along with I don't know how many hours trying to put my case together in an attempt to WIN.

My own desire to control and be in power cost me money, time and just created more anger and resentment from my XW and upset my children as well. Yes, you and Snodderly advised me to not go there. You said, "let it go." You were both right.

That is not easy for me to admit to being WRONG. I'm a former MLC and you know we don't like to admit to being wrong, saying we made a mistake, or I'm sorry.

What I see is your desire to WIN and prove that you are RIGHT and that your XH is WRONG. Is that a fair statement? I'm not judging you, just calling it as I see it.

Laughing, I'm sure you have had issues with power struggles since childhood. Your power struggle with your XH is just a continuation of the past issues you have had. Those issues have not left you.

Your desire to get your XH out of your life so that this pain you feel will go away is not going to fix your pain. Your XH is not the cause of your pain. He only brings it to light.

No on can make us feel what we feel without our permission. The pain you see in your children is the pain you experienced as a child. You know it intimately as you experienced it yourself.

Let go of the things that are not in your control. You can not protect your children from their father. Unless their are clear signs of physical or sexual abuse, I highly doubt the Court will do anything to prevent your XH from excersizing his parental rights.

Yes, he is a jerk, but he is still their father. The court can't say, "you're a big fat liar, so we are not going to let you see your children." The court also can't say, "you've married a loser, so therefore we don't want your children to visit you because she will be present."

I know it doesn't seem fair. But at times, life isn't fair. Sometimes life sucks. Life is filled with all kinds of experiences. Good, bad and ugly. Each experience happens "for us" and gives us an opportunity to learn about ourselves and the parts that need healing.

Laughing, I don't know all of your past but from what I have heard and sense from your current struggles it has been filled with great pain. There is a common thread that runs through all the pain you have experienced. The common component is your soul. It is your soul that needs healing and is seeking it through human experiences.

There are some who believe that the soul chooses these experiences to "remember" that which it already knows. I'm beginning to believe their may be some truth to this.

We can clearly see the physical connections from one generation to the next, through our eyes and our ears. The genes and DNA that is passed from both parents to their children shows up in physical features. But do manerisms, attitudes, behaviors, emotions and the way a person thinks also get passed on from one generation to the next?

Looking back at my mothers life, I can see the physical. emotional and mental similarities to my own. My digestive system is like my mothers with very similar issues with foods creating acid reflex and intestinal discomfort. Some of my emotions and mental being is very similar. My mom experienced depression for most of her adult life just as I have experienced depression for much of my adult life. My mom experienced a number of heart surgerys for blockage in her arteries. I have high cholesterol and take meds for it and have been told that I'm a heart attack waiting to happen.

As much as I have had issues with my mother since as long as I can remember. I now realize I am my mother after all. She definetly is a part of me physically, mentally, emotionally and I'm sure spiritually.

Maybe the childhood experiences I had were ment to be? Maybe those painful emotional experiences were all part of the healing of my soul? Maybe I should be grateful and thankful to my mother for providing those experiences for me in my souls desire to remember that which it already knew?

When you start to believe that all things happen for a reason and that there are no coincidences. You see the world from a total diffeent perspective.

The world of fear and doubt create a whole host of negative emotions and we project that negativity onto others. What we project is what is returned to us. So if we want love, we have to give love.

So why is it that we project anger, resentment, hate, vengefulness towards others and then are surprised when they contiue to create more pain and suffering in our lives?

I know I have done that many times in my life, only to become more furstrated and upset, and then trying harder to prevent what was being projected onto me.

External Power will not work. I see it in so many instances throughout the world everyday. As human beings, we have not learned that it is just not working. We keep doing what we did in the past believing that this time the results will be different.

Our current administration has been on a huge power trip ever since taking office. Their desire to control everything externally through manipulation, lying, breaking laws in attempt to win at all costs and forcing their beliefs onto others as if their way is the only right way to live and believe in God.

Karl Rove used the ultimate human tool for getting President Bush re-elected. Fear. Fear is very powerful and controlling. You can manipulate people to do things they would not do under conditions of love if you raise enough fear in them.

What is the number one motivator of the LBS? FEAR. The LBS fear of losing their MLC spouse, of losing their marriage, of losing all that they have known and dreamed of being and having. The LBS has a great fear of not being good enough, not being loveable, of not being appreciated or valued. These are the same fears of the MLC spouse.

A LBS through their fears become very weak and lose their own strength and internal power. They become lost and confused. Yes, so do the MLC spouses of the wrold too.

The common thread that runs through all of us is that we all have the same Creator.
Everything in the Universe is made of energy. All human emotions are energy. Energy passes through us, around us and throughout the Unverse it travels. Around and around and through it goes. Passing through everything and everbody.

None of our experiences are 100% identical. But the emotions we all are feeling, both the MLC and the LBS, are indentical. All of us are experiencing an "emotional awakening." Some call it a "spiritual awakening." It is one in the same.

As a human species we are transforming into what is necessary for survival in the future. External power is no longer working. It has got us to where we are now, but it will not take us to where we need to go in order to survive.

Authentic Power is the future. It is the alignment of the personality with the soul. A MLC person is one who's personality and soul are the furthest from alignment. There personality and soul are in conflice with one another and are in an intense power struggle.

We too, the LBS are experiencing the same thing on a less distructive level. Our personalit and our soul are at odds with one another, and our MLC spouses soul and personality as well.

This sure makes for a very exciting time if you like your world turned upside down.

The change that is taking place within us and around us is all a natural part of transformation. It is very foreign to anything we have experienced in the past and we believe that this should not be happening. Especially to us. These changes also bring about fear within us.

Reality is, it's not happening to us, it's happening for us. Someday, in hopfeully the not to distant future. All of us will have the ability to see what is taking place as we develop our multisensory perceptions.

What I sense within me of what is taking place is not something that I can show you with a picture, I can not tell you in words so that you will understand, I can't say to you; hear touch this, feel it, so you will know it is real. I can't tell you to smell it with your sense of smell because it does not have a smell to what is occuring.

That which is occuring is non-physcial. There is no way to prove it's existence with the physical five senses that we have used throughout our lives to learn, experience and to understand. What we've seen, what we'eve heard, what we've smelled, what we've tasted and what we've touched is how we have come to understand all that is within our physical world.

All of us came from the non physical world. Our Creator. You can not see, hear, smell touch or taste our Creator. Yet HE/She exists.

I'm sorry that I have gotten so far off track in my attempt to shed some light on your situation from a different perspective.

Please remember this; wherever you are at, is exactly where you are suppose to be. There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

Give yourself some credit Laughing. You are a good, loving, caring, compassionate and DESERVING person. God loves you. Your children love you. Your many, many friends on this Board love you. The many people in your community love you and wish you only the best that life has to offer. I, too love you, and hope and pray that you can search for that happiness that lies within you. But first, you have to heal all the pain that is burying your love for life.

The only real way to heal is through EMOTIONAL AWARENESS. Emotional wareness is becoming aware of everything that you are feeling at every moment.

My emotions run rampant all over the place. It is the biggest chalenge I've ever face trying to become aware of my emotions and where they come from and where I feel them in my body.

Enegy passes through our body. Our emotional energies show themselves in parts of our bodies through pain and discomfort. The emotional and physical are connected.

Yesterday, I was reading Rollercoasterriders new thread. I cried externally and inside I felt sick to my stomach. My feelings of sadness and regret brought about physical expressions and discomfort inside.

John Grey, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Wrote a book titled, If you Can Feel it You Can Heal it a number of years ago. I've read parts of it many times as I have attempted to heal my pain.

A MLC spouse is feeling great pain. They don't attempt to heal it, but run from it. They believe the pain comes from the LBS. As soon as they get far enough away from their spouse, they will begin to feel much better.

This is not true. Your XH is still in great pain. How do I know? It shows up in every time he tries to take back control from you. His power struggle is about his emotionbal pain inside. He believes that as soon as he gets control of his children and his XW, he will be happy and all his pain will go away.

If I remember right, I said the same thing about you earlier in my post. Is it possible you both are fighting for the same things; respect. appreciation, validation, empathy, peace, harmony and love?

I'd like to share a quote from the book "Life Lessons."

"Untreated fear turns into anger. When we're not in touch with our fears - or when we don't even know we're afraid -- that fear grows into anger. If we don't deal with the anger, it will turn into rage."

Love,
Paul

[Between Tears]

Paul,

What you say is very true, as I am trying to protect the children from the emotional abuse. Xh is in a very bad place, and now is manipulating the children, and causing them harm. This is what I am trying to prevent. He is zapping their control away and their emotional well being while having converstations with both the children that he has no right to bring them into. I'm sure he is unaware of the level of harm he is creating at this time. My D, now 14, 5'8" is down to 103 pounds, my S15 is struggling too, yet he is burying his emotions and loosing trust, while exhibiting an negative attitude, trying to make sense of it all, as I have now had it confirmed by not only friends, but their teachers too, so, it's just not me feeling they need to be protected. They are both hurting because of his what he is doing now, as he grasps for control.

I do understand what he is doing, I obviously can't tell him what I think, or ask him to get help, so right now, my only way of helping my children, is to have him back out, until he comes to terms with what is going on inside of him. It has come to a point where he is causing more pain than the love he brings. In the past 4 years, I have encouraged his visitation, but since his accident, the passing of his sister and his marriage 3 days after her funeral, he's been stepping way out of bounds, and inflicting a great deal of emotional pain for the children.

When he gets past this point, and can return to being a better Father, I will, once again, welcome his visits.

Does this make any sense? Right now, I just don't know how long it will be, and since he is further destructing, further reaching out for control, seemly refusing to look within, I need to consider that there may not be a return of healthier behavior for the time being. Right now, he's a melt down, waiting to happen, and I want to keep my children as far away as possible until it does happen. He is instantly raging now, and I know how far he will go.

Had I not received the confirmations that I had, I would say, absolutely, I need to just let it be, but just today, I've had two people confirm what they have seen in my own children, as they have the same worries that I have too. I don't think it is as much as a power/control struggle as it is a imbedded need to protect my children.

I hope this makes sense, as I believe on many levels you are right on target, and I'm not trying to poo poo anything you have written. I just think I've come to a level I must intervene for the safety of my children.

Okay?

Take care of you, God Bless

Love,

Laughing

[pammie]

Laughing
Just checking in on you.
Sorry your X-H dragged you to court once again.
Reminds of my X-H.
Girl document everything he does and says, although he will still probably lie no matter what.
As for your children spending time with him, yes he will try and buy their love.
It is sad, but that is the only way he can communicate with them.
They will be home soon and in their Mother's loving arms.
Take Care Sweetie
God Bless

[M Go Blue]

Laughing

What ever you choose to do is OKAY.

Acting on what you feel is the right things to do is OKAY.

No matter what, things will work out. Just as they should. They might not work out as we had planned or hoped, but things magically work out just the same.

We communicate with each other by more than words alone. Comunication can come from body language and tonality. Not comminicating is in fact communicating. It's sending a message bigger than using words.

Thee is a good possibility that through your body language, tone of voice, and the negative energy you are projecting outward by your frustration, anger and resentment is being picked up by your children, and having an impact on them as well as what your XH is doing.

In my situation withg my XW during seperation and divorce. My children were equally upset with me as they were with their mother for the pain they were feeling.

I'm sure they thought that the pain they were feeling was being caused by both of our actions. They just wanted it to end.

Have you ever asked your children how they feel about you and if they think you are contributing to the problems with their father? I'd be very suprised if they were honest with you that they would put 100% of the blame on him for all of the chaos on their life. There's two sides to every issue.

Yes, your XH may be the bigger factor in all of this, but you play a role as well. Can you take some time to take a look at what you may be doing, or not doing, that is contributing to this drama? By possibly making one small change can bring about a great change in the current situation.

Have you given thought to the lesson of "forgiveness?" As Michelle has stated, "Forgiveness is the gift you give to yourself." Hanging on to anger, resentment and blaming brings more pain and agony. For you and your children.

If you can find some time to sit quitely, listen to your inner voice and hear the wisdom that will be shared with you. The answers to your problems lie within you, They are not something you can control by external power.

Love,
Paul

[jaybee]

(((((Laughing)))))

I don't really post here any more. I am past the need to for myself and I know the new posters, who are in so much pain, have many people here to support and advise them. There are also so few people posting now whom I feel I know. But you are one of those and when I dropped in tonight, I felt compelled to respond to you, old friend.

I am a firm believer in "it is better to understand than to condemn" but there are some situations when it is imperative that we take a stand, and stand up for what is right. Neutrality sometimes does have to be abandoned and appeasement can unfortunately be construed as weakness by those who do not wish for an outcome which benefits everybody, but merely wish to win.

Regardless of the personal histories of those involved; regardless of the pain and fear which drives them, sometimes it is necessary to make that stand. As you are doing.

Devoted parents know instinctively that this becomes necessary when their children are being negatively affected, and used as pawns in a power play.

No one is a more devoted parent than you, dear Laughing, and I applaud the stand you are taking. And of course you understand that often, battles are won by strategy rather than instinctive and immediate action. So I am so pleased to read that you are equipping yourself for the fight with evidence, witnesses and all the support you can muster.

You are a tigress fighting for her cubs. I would be just the same.

And of course, fighting does not mean that you declare war on your xh, even if he has done so to you. Knowing you as I do, I know you will keep on slowly but surely advancing towards your goal of protecting your children, without seeking to hurt your xh any more than is necessary to achieve that goal.

And I do think that your xh too will ultimately benefit from learning the lesson that he is wrong to use the children in this way.

Do you know John Bunyan's hymn, "To be a pilgrim?" It came into my mind tonight when I read this thread, along with "Fight the good fight, with all your might." I googled it! And here is a fragment:

"Who would true valour see,
Let him come hither;
One here will constant be,
Come wind, come weather."

Valour and constancy - just 2 of your attributes.


Thinking of you, all blessings to you and the children

Jaybeexxxx (been a while since I typed that!)

[kml]

My D, now 14, 5'8" is down to 103 pounds

OUCH! What is causing this? I have to admit reading this terrifies me, as my daughter at the worst of her eating disorder (anorexia/bulimia) was 90 lbs. at 5'4" - which would be relatively heavier than your daughter. Granted, body types differ, but your daughter is severely underweight for her height.

Does she have any digestive problems? (Celiac disease - gluten snsitivity - can be a cause of weight loss). Do you suspect an eating disorder or exercise bulimia? Please be careful here.

Ellie

[Between Tears]

Paul,

I'm the reason my children are who they are. I'm the reason they haven't fully given up hope. I'm the reason my son isn't drinking out on the streets, doing drugs, shaving his head, getting tatoos, piercing his body, is an athelet, does well in school, was driving at 14. His father calls him and tells him, I am nothing but a lazy B who sits on her butt all day and lives off of him. He calls and tells him the child support should be paid directly to them, and NOT used to help buy food, provide shelter, help pay electricity. Calls him and tells him the lies about why we are divorced, why women are weak. Then he goes on how having him put out the trash is abusing him, having him feed all the dogs, again, abuse...... for the past 6 months he has been making plans with my son to bring the car to him, and it has yet to arrive, it goes on in on, this is only the most frequent words he uses.

For my daughter, he prays she won't grow up to be a useless woman like her mother. In her presence, he checks out other women, and comments about their bodies, and when she objects to hearing what he has to say, he tells her to shut up, she doesn't know what the H she is talking about, and she will not talk back to him. This weekend, they all went out to eat for lunch, when she didn't eat as much as XH and his wife thought she should, they had them pack it up in a "doggy bag" when they got home, several hours later, he made her sit with their dog, until the dog finished the plate. Then fed her no dinner, and told her she couldn't eat breakfast until they got up, which was 4 hours after she normally eats breakfast.

When a child has food issues, you cannot make food an issue.

These are only a few reasons why I believe their reactions are coming from his actions, more so than mine. I won't even start on all the promises he has made to them, and not kept, then turned around and blamed me for the promises not being kept.

I am very aware of my own history, began changing it when I was in my 20s, and when I became unexpectantly pregnant with my S, I read a library full of books on how to raise an emotionally and physically healthy child..... my favorite person to emmulate was T.Berry Brazelton, and I vowed to stop the cycle that I grew up with. To this day, neither child has had a broken bone, a cavity, a bloody nose, been in the hospital overnight, or had any health problems or issues, except the one that is developing with my D now, which may become worse, now that he has taken her power away to say no, I'd rather stay home, I would like to see you, but would rather sleep in my own bed tonight, I don't want to go to CA, or be away from home for 6 weeks, I suspect her problem will become worse.

I am the person they call on the phone while they are away 5 or 6 times in a day, or IM when on a computer at school, I am the person they look for and reach to when they need support, I am the one they look for to do battle with, when their heart is aching and they need to scream, for they know they are perfectly safe with me. They know what ever they do or say, even in the heat of anger, they will NEVER loose my love, respect or feel they are less. As their counselor told me, I am their safe parent, they know I will always, always be here for them.

I am fully aware they look to me for guidance, watch me to be their role model. Unless xh is in full attack mode, I do not show my emotions or feelings about xh while he is around. I refuse to engage with him, if the children are in ear shot, although I speak candidly with them, about the things he does, it is with compassion and understanding, as to not give a hint about the way I feel, for I know, any negativity I show, will someday come back around to me. My mother spoke negativily about my father, and even though he was abusive, I still felt like I had to defend him. I won't do that to my children. I am the person that has guided them through out all of this, and has been told by the school administration, that they not been told what was going on, they would have never suspected a problem.

I don't have to ask my children how they feel about me, for we have an unspoken language all of our own. We have complete dialogs from across a crowded gymnasiums, football fields, track fields, with just a look or an expression. I feel their hearts beat, even when we are miles apart. I know their pain by the way it clenches at my heart, I know their joy as it lifts my soul, I know the sound of our music, the hum of our energies combined, when we are together as one family, as I know instintively when one of us is out of sync too. I don't have to ask, no, not at all, as I am sure this is true of most, if not all the Mother's sitting here reading this now. There's a universe of difference from watching a child born, and giving birth.

Take care of you God Bless

Love,

Laughing