Also check out the program by Dr Ellen at http://www.lightherfire.com. I think this program works best if you are somehow living together in the same house. Otherwise it will improve how you relate to women in general and improve any potential future relationship. Personally I do not recommend coaching through Dr Ellen I think because she didn't tell me what I wanted to hear but you can email her for some free advice if you like.
I too am going through a separation and a possible divorce. But nothing ever comes close to the person we married to begin with. This much I am sure. So any help would be most appreciated. Link below:
Once you learn how to use the right tools for the job you will find it easier to cope.
For now, for whatever reason your Husband is broken.
He has always been broken but something made him snap.
The only person who can "fix" him is himself.
As he tries to figure out the mess in his head he will make some really bad choices. He will try new things to help him to feel better and he will hurt the people around him tremendously.
You know that kid's toy with the shapes. You have to put the right shape in the right hole to complete the game...well your Husband is still trying to figure out what shape goes where.
The good part is that he will "get it" eventually.
MLC'ers are slow learners. They keep making mistakes over and over again.
So for now, sit back, work on weeding out the thoughts in your head, and working on your own garden.
As for me, I am enjoying the bountiful harvest
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
THANK YOU............I guess I hope to harvest one day too......but for now thanks for giving me hope in that weeding will help me, and that hopefully H will "get it". Thanks so much for just being there for me, you have NO IDEA how much it means to me that you took the time to write such wonderful things to me, THANK YOU !!! And bless you for being such a warm and lovely friend to me through these times !!!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I haven't posted much to you but have followed some of your sitch and your posts to others. It seems your H and mine are very, very similar. Mine is also usually very "nice", often cheery, and generally secretive about his plans. He was especially secretive at the beginning of our S, even about ordinary things. Now he seems to go out of his way to NOT be secretive when his plans are harmless.
But I have no doubt my H is in MLC. Trust me, when I pushed him a couple of times, he spewed venom like I have only heard him reserve for sworn enemies. Plus, he has totally rationalized the effects of all of this on our S, and he absolutely adores S14. But he takes a very victim-like, poor-me stance about having to give up full time with S. As Angelica posted, it is a strange contradiction of being totally full of himself while at the same time having a very low sense of selfworth.
Sorry I've rambled a bit but I didn't want you to stay too long in doubt mode. Anyway, all DB recommendations to GAL, keep a PMA, and grow yourself are healthy, regardless of the your H's MLC status!
1. What did you hope to achieve by your email to your h? Before you contact you h on anything, I would advise leaving it at least 12 hours, and preferably a day, unless it is genuinely urgent. He still has so much power over you. Unless you can recognise that you won't let go, and you have to let go in order ot move forward. This is your journey too.
2. You will need to develop patience, whether you like it or not. it is one of the fruit of the Holy Spirit, a great virtue, and MUCH undervalued in the modern world.
You are right - none of us likes the situation we are in, and yes it is sad, yes it is hard, but there are lessons to be learned if we choose to look for them. There is nothing that you can do at present, except detach and get on with your life.
I am truly sorry that this is impacting on your son. Do not point the finger of blame at your h - he will only become defensive. Deep down he knows that his leaving has damaged his kids, but of course he does't want to take responsbility for this. Be VERY nice about D8's hockey game, and say that you would love to go - like he has given you a great present. All of this will surpirse him, and give him something to think about. Keep up the good work on GALing and detaching. You will be fine.
I don't know if and what I was trying to accomlish with the e-mail to H, I guess he has been so let down by his parents, that I don't want him to think that I am letting him down too...
He actually just wrote back...he said 7pm is fine and I'll have them home Sunday by 2pm.
THAT'S IT......he never even mentioned Saturday....like it never happened.
SORRY - I am sitting here crying my eyes out....not really because of that but because the Vet was just here and she bandaged our dog's tale - it's hurt- and once again there is blood EVERYWHERE on the walls, doors, windows, me....EVERYWHERE, yesterday I allready cleaned everything off .....and now I just finished again, and all this time ....sorry to feel sorry for myself, but H is out there living his life and I am STUCK here with all this SHIT !!! The dog has been so sad since he left and she's had one thing after another...and I have been trying to 'solve' everything so as not to bother H with any of it, and so that I will have done this without having to ask him for help.......BUt for WHAT????? He doens't even CARE does he.???? He's left, made his exit and left us..............he is living his new life and why bother caring how or what we do to survive all this ???!!!!!
SOrry, just breaking down heavily right now....maybe it's just me seeing REALITY.........
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Cinderellaman - OK, when immediate things are going wrong and our lives are out of kilter we cope less well with the emergencies. Your dog has a problem - this isn't actually your h's fault, and if he was in the military or worked abroad, you would have to cope.
You feel sorry for him, and you are expecting him to respond as he would have done. That person doesn't exist at present, and until you get that into your head, you are going to be constantly upset. Your old h would have mentioned Saturday. the alien doesn't want to think about it because it sets up conflict, so he will bury it. Until your h sees that you are happy, coping, and enjoying your life he will not want to come home. It is when they suspect they might be missing out big-time that some of the cogs in their poor disordered brains start to whirr and click a bit.
Cinderellaman - there is nothing you can do at present. Please accept this, accept that your old h is on sabbbatical, replaced by an unpleasant alien facsimile who occasionally is able to access your h'e memory circuits. The only person you are hurting right now is yourself. I am only able to write this because I have been there, and felt the pain. But it gets better. I am not unsympathetic. We have to live through the pain to get to the other side, but we have tohelp ourselves as well. Lean on us, and your firends, live each day at a time, and one day you will be on the other side, with or without your h [and I hope with], but OK.
You having been there makes all the difference to me, I am prepared to accept you telling me that things will get better. I thank you for showing patience and compassion with me today. I KNOW that you are right, I have to let go.......even more than I think I have .....COMPLETELY....I guess. I should not let his actions affect me. You are right he is "out of town" in his head.
I do see myself hurting only ME by all this........so yes, I will try harder, accept more, let go more, live life more. I hope you will be here as my friend, to lean on like you say....this won't be easy for me...but I thank you so much for being here for me and for making me see things for what they are ! Thank you Angelica....I will not feel sorry for me anymore today...!!!!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
