Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
This morning she emailed me (no response to my email of course) asking if D and I are going to the class she signed D up for and that she wanted to go too. So I told her we're leaving soon and she could meet us here if she wants to go.
It was like the old times again, except not much talking only D related talk but that same old comfort feeling. When we were almost home (she drove) she asked if we could stop by for breakfast. I said sure if you want to...we went and had breakfast, mostly quiet.
On the way back from the breakfast place there was a guy jogging along the side of the street without his shirt on so she breaks the silence "jeez, put your shirt on already" comment. I didn't say anything.
Bizzare...
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Of course I still care about you. You are, after all, D's dad and that will never change. I don't want anything bad to happen to you because then D would lose you. That would be really terrible. At the same time, that doesn't mean that I want to remain married to you. I feel that you can still care about someone without wanting to live with that person. Does that make sense? There are so many things that happened between us over the years, both good and bad. We had a lot of fun together, and we had a lot of fights too. At this point I feel that I can forgive the bad things but it's just too much to completely forget them, as much as I would like to.
I think that we can still do things together with D. She is happy almost all the time now. She doesn't mind being with one or the other especially since we are not fighting in front of her. That has made a big improvement I think. As much as it's the perfect ideal to have both parents together, it's also the right thing to have a really good, positive environment. I think right now she has that from each of us separately, and when we are together as well.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Ouch. I know it hurts to see her being so matter of fact about the situation. I think this would be the exact response I would get from my H.
By the way, I hate the condescending comments from WAS's when they say, of course I care about you, you are the kids' parent. Urgh!
Keep trying to think of the positive in that if you have a positive relationship for the sake of your D, then that in itself is a triump for your child. Remain hopeful that if there is more interaction with WAS, there is more opportunity for her to see what she is leaving behind. Paint yourself in a very attractive light and always be fun and upbeat when around her!
SR- I just got done reading a letter I had sent to my H before he came back from our first separation. He had approached me about coming back, and I responded to him in almost the exact same tone. Breaks my heart now. I'm sorry she is not seeing anything clearly. Wish I could shake her and show her what down the road looks like.
I finally finished my letter and sent it to you if you still don't mind looking it over. it's very long and I'm completely terrified to send it.
I think my W could have wrote that e-mail. I'm just a few months behind you on the same train I would say. Detach in a loving way and move on is all that is left, she may change her mind if you do. Show consistancy and no pressure and no pursuing, who knows? I'm in the same sitch, going for breakfast like old friends? She knows you are in her back pocket if she changes her mind at any time, it is a cruel game they play. They get to enjoy the single life and keep us as back up plans. Sorry for the bitterness. Good luck, 4
I think my W could have wrote that e-mail. I'm just a few months behind you on the same train I would say. Detach in a loving way and move on is all that is left, she may change her mind if you do. Show consistancy and no pressure and no pursuing, who knows? I'm in the same sitch, going for breakfast like old friends? She knows you are in her back pocket if she changes her mind at any time, it is a cruel game they play. They get to enjoy the single life and keep us as back up plans. Sorry for the bitterness. Good luck, 4
I couldn't agree more. In my sitch, I tried this in the beginning, but 4 has it right. "She knows you are in her back pocket if she changes her mind at any time, it is a cruel game they play. They get to enjoy the single life and keep us as back up plans."
That is not good enough for you. I honestly believe, that in MOST cases (not all) they are simply easing their own transition, on the decision THEY made. THEY made. Not YOU. So why help them?? Do a little test for me........and it's hard with kids, I know. But reduce your contact to ZERO, or as close to that as you can...for one month. Let her be alone. Let her be lonely. Now?? Whenever she's lonely, she can call you for a booster shot..........just try it, even for 2 weeks!! Don't answer/return her calls unless it is child oriented. When you call, ask immediately to speak to your child. If W wants to talk later, say "Gotta Run"
If she wants to go out for supper......Nope, got plans. Wants you to come over for breakfast?? "I'd rather not" If she asks why, say "I'm doing what I need to do to move on" End of story. No other explanation needed or deserved. You might be surprised what happens when she realizes she might REALLY be losing you.
Alaska, why didn't you give me this advice six months ago? Who knows, she probably already has someone else for her booster shots and what not by now. She's always gone from one relationship to another without really being on her own and wouldn't surprise me to know she's already got someone. I mean you gotta have either really close buddies or someone else to be able to get up and leave like this. I know I couldn't do it on my own unless I was hipnotized.
In any case, my lawyer emailed me a little bit ago saying he's got the paperwork...so this is permenant.
I need your guys help to move on, I really don't want to keep any hopes for her return. If/when she does I hope I've long moved on...
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Who knows, she probably already has someone else for her booster shots and what not by now. She's always gone from one relationship to another without really being on her own and wouldn't surprise me to know she's already got someone. I mean you gotta have either really close buddies or someone else to be able to get up and leave like this. I know I couldn't do it on my own unless I was hipnotized.