Yeah, she's got a thing for hitting sometimes. She smacked my head repeatedly until I got up. She'd talk to me about nonR things, but anything to do with sex, or R, or an apology got me the silent treatment. She doesn't like getting pinned down or a feeling of being trapped (I've told her I'd have to tie her up and bring her to an 'O', to which she's replied that if I tied her up it would be the last time I'd ever see her nekid).
What I was trying to get at in my previous posts is an answer to the question "How are any of us going to stay pair-bonded and have hot sex when we are 60?".
My feeling is that the only way out of this dilemma is to keep working on improving the relationship. There are no shortcuts. No sense in belaboring the mega alpha male fantasy stuff. We wouldn't want that anyway. For me, the erotic novel stuff is the female equivalent of porn. It revved me up enough to break through my LD wall...fortunately I came to this BB and was able to channel my energy contructively to save my marriage. I have to hand it to the men on this board...they listen to our fantasy stuff and haven't thrown their own fantasies around too much. What a nice, respectful bunch you are. ( well except for Cobra and his big boob stuff with his wife, but I see where he's getting at with the radical honesty stuff...he gets the honorary PhD here.)
The negative comments your H makes, Jenny, well, you have to find a way to let them go. Deal with them at the time and move on. I am trying to do the same thing. I think to myself, " Too bad H has to put up a barrier towards intimacy. Poor thing." Otherwise you go around in circles.
I do think you are in some denial about how much your H means to you. How do I know this? Because you have stuck around here so long!
Referring to this poem, one of my all time favs by W.B. Yeats:
Quote:
When You Are Old
When you are old and grey and full of sleep, And nodding by the fire, take down this book, And slowly read, and dream of the soft look Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep; How many loved your moments of glad grace, And loved your beauty with love false or true, But one man loved the pilgrim Soul in you, And loved the sorrows of your changing face; And bending down beside the glowing bars, Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled And paced upon the mountains overhead And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
You are high drive for acceptance, which causes you to be high drive for sex.
You may be right but it's all mixed up chicken and the eggy for me because my sexuality is a part of me that I want to be accepted.
Quote:
How did you feel as that girl in the white dress, walking back from a sexual encounter? Did you feel accepted, whole, loved? Isn’t that feeling what you are trying to get back to?
Well, I would say that it was more of a feeling of self-acceptance and self-love. That memory makes me want to leave my H because I feel like he interferes with that feeling.
Quote:
Romanticism is fine and good, but as we will see with Lord Grenville, it can also be a way of hiding. It paints the world as you would like it to be, not as it really is, and anything that creates an illusion, no matter how innocent it may seem, cannot foster real vulnerability.
That's very good the part about illusion not fostering real vulnerability. When my H said "We do not have a happy family life." what he was really saying was "We do not have a happy family life because I am not happy because my job sucks and I am a member of the family.". He was trying to pierce my illusion that things were okay by letting me know that things weren't okay with him. The problem for me was that there was no way for me to "fix" what wasn't okay with him and therefore no way for me to restore the "happy family life" that I wanted. So my H got what he wanted in terms of rendering me more vulnerable because I, of course, responded by crying but the interaction actually decreased our intimacy or it maybe it made him feel more intimate with me because now I was unhappy too but it made me want to distance myself because I wanted to be happy. It's just too hard to be empathetic with someone who is so frequently depressed.
Quote:
True intimacy and vulnerability require no test. They only require honesty an self knowledge without delusion. Not an easy thing to do.
Which comes back to the way in which I am a feminist. There is a core of feminism that tries to express the truth about the ways in which men and women are the same. Over-the-top sexism is as much of a protective delusion as over-the-top feminism though they both can be attractive romantic notions.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I am sorry but I am ROTFLMAO because you posted the Yeats poem (thank you) and followed it directly with GGB's "she smacked my head repeatedly until I got up". Talk about contrast.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
This thread has gotten very interesting in my weekend away. I have so many thoughts arising from it but I think I will reread it, think some more and decide whether a response is necessary or just fluff.
