I also find the ultra male top fantasy erotic, but I wouldn't want to live it. I think it would affect me psychologically after awhile. In a LTR, it asks to much of men, to deny the times they are feeling weak, sick, unsure, etc.
Interesting IHJ. I guess you mean that it is just not realistic. A man who is an ultra "top" cannot also be vulnerable or show weakness in other areas of the R? It would certainly be difficult.
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I find I am becoming more immune to my fantasy life. My quest is to make reality work. I have more compassion for the person my H is.
Well, I wouldn't say I am immune to the fantasy life but I wholeheartedly agree with you on the other points. I do have more compassion for H and also am trying to be realistic.
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I remember one incident in my LD days where H once sexually wrestled me to the ground and I started to cry.
Lots of women seem to be reporting this (or it's being reported by the H). Guess it's pretty rare. Sometimes it sucks being the so called "Freak of Nature." But the more I think about it, it's not freaky at all, because as Mojo has stated, many HD women want to be the "bottom" even if they come off as the "top" most of the time. I don't want to be a "top!" Unfortunately, I think I have conditioned my H to await my "top" behaviors. I have been cutting back on those and also at the same time working on the "good feelings" - compassion, respect, etc and I have seen some good changes in H because if it. Nothing like a sexual throwdown but let's not get crazy here. Trying to stay realistic. He has been more sexual towards me and I'm appreciating all the baby steps. This is big for me considering where I was not too long ago.
Noooo!!! On the other hand, here - (hands IHJ giant bowl of chocolatey treats) - take it all! I have been eating too much crap and not exercising enough. Spring will be upon us soon enough and I need to make sure I can fit into my "she's hot for a 37 year old" clothes. Back to the gym for me too. I went yesterday and did I really intense weight class and now my legs and arms feel like they are about to fall off but it's all for the best. Just gotta go more than once every two weeks. 3-4 times a week from now on if it kills me.
I presume you are aware of how your sex drive varies with the state of your relationship. Right now it seems that things are drifting into another down phase, and you are posting your usual philosophical discussion on why you should be entitled to more sex. Not long ago your connection with your H was close, sex was more plentiful and you found your drive diminishing. Before that, your H was stressed, angry and moody, you were horny and trying to justify staying the marriage versus leaving and finding all the sex you wanted. I think we can document several more up and down cycles just on this board.
What I see in you is a continual pattern of using sex as your balm to feel loved and connected with your H. That makes sense based on what you’ve told us of your childhood. I would think sex at such an early age can confuse a girl in understanding just what it is about her that boys value – her sex or herself as a person.
Throw in a little touch of feminism (the rationalization to dress down, not “pretty” yourself up, not become vulnerable to a man, etc) and I can see you stuck between a rock and a hard place (though not necessarily the “hard” place you would like, LOL!) So on one hand, you want, even need sex to feel good about yourself. OTOH, getting sex means compromising some of your feminist behaviors. That thought repulses you somewhat, makes you less soft and feminine, and thus makes it harder for you to get the sex you want (which makes you hornier and ramps up the whole cycle). Your discussion with Blackfoot is actually quite interesting, but I do not think it is the real point of your problem.
When you wonder about reconciling your HD with the LD of your H, I do not think focusing on compatibilities, or different types of attraction toward sex will answer the problem. As you have portrayed on this board, your own sex drive cycles vary based on the state of your M. When the M is stressed, your drive goes up, when things are good, your drive diminishes. I think that is completely normal.
I think the high drive you are experiencing now is just a consequence of the current stress in the M. If you can level out the M, including leveling out the stress and self confidence that your H feels, then I am guessing your drive will level out because your H will be in a better position to give you the acceptance you really want. You will not have to resort to sex to prove yourself worthy and accepted, as you did when younger.
So I think your focus on sex is really putting the cart before the horse, KWIM? Work out the underlying acceptance, validation stuff, and I think the discussion with Blackfoot could be more valuable. Just my 2 cents.
LFL... Not passing those M & M's? B!tch, lol. Gosh, I am so with you aqbout the exercising. For awhile I was playing tennis 3x/week and getting a little decent at it...then I go and injure my ankle...badly...no tennis or running for a year, according to the OS. I haven't been able to get back to myself ( GGB, I do feel for the Mrs, a fellow ankler).
Oh and Blackfoot, no I am not blonde...and as far as being a jewish american princess, well yes, I was a daddy's girl, but my father has a really strong work ethic, so no pampered life for me.But yes, he was spoiling in his own way...a car for college, down payment for house, stuff like that. Paid H's school debt. And yes, my heart belongs to daddy, what can I say?
Oh Lil, You don't know the half of it. I have been a disabled person the last few months. Only recently have I stopped walking with a limp. I haven't really brought it up, but I really should have, because it's impacted the marriage. H had stepped up big time to take care of the household stuff, and I am forever grateful. Like with Karen's accident, the love and commitment stuff become highlighted ( no wonder I am knocked out of fantasyland).
Anyway, I need to start a new thread. Jenny, my apologies for hijack # 50 million.
hhhh, you put it so delicately. LMAO. hahahahah. hahahah. and thats the crux of the whole matter. YOU will never meet that man, because you will always push it to the next level to see if he can still be more top.
Maybe mother earth conceived of ways to prevent herself from being scorched black
This is the point I was trying to make about the necessity of finding a mature adult compromise when it comes to male/female sexuality. The behavior that makes a woman horny is not the behavior that will make her a reliable pair-bonded sex partner. If you "tell" a woman to have sex with you, you are appealing to her "bottom" desire. It might seem like "you" as the man are creating that desire by your behavior but it's just like a woman trying to appeal to men by getting bigger boobs. The woman is responding to the testosterone not the whole man just like the man is responding to the boobs not the whole woman. I would expect that men would feel threatened by female "bottom" desire in the same way women would feel threatened by men talking about how much they REALLY REALLY like REALLY REALLY big boobs or 19 year old girls or super model *ss etc. I mean most of the men on the BB would probably agree that it would be scorching hot to have sex with a 19 year old girl with big boobs and super-model *ss just like most of the women agreed that my fantasy was hot.
What I was trying to get at in my previous posts is an answer to the question "How are any of us going to stay pair-bonded and have hot sex when we are 60?". It's equally lame for me to think about getting a boob job as it is for me to think about finding a man who is more "top"-like in order to achieve that. My H and I could squabble endlessly about who is the one who needs to change "perception" of sexiness in order to make the sex more hot. What would make the sex more "warm" for both of us would be if we could appreciate the "pilgrim soul" in each other not just the attributes of femininity or masculinity. If my woman in the garden post seems to err more on the side of "what the girls want" then that's only natural because I'm a girl but I am trying to envision a compromise that allows for a generous, mature spirit in sexuality. "Tell" a girl to have sex with you but "Ask" a woman because as she reaches inside herself for the "Yes" she will be responding to you in a way that is more healthy and whole because she will be responding to the "pilgrim soul" in you, not just the man and that is the sort of sexual response that will last a lifetime.
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since you are old enough to be my mom,
Big sister. And you are in major denial about the other stuff.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I think there is some truth to what you are saying Cobra. However, I would say that my essential problem is that I am a romantic not that I am a feminist. Because I am a romantic I want to be loved for my "pilgrim soul" not just my "moments of glad grace" or my "beauty" (though I do understand their appeal remember I'm the women who dressed MsHD in "Naughty Butt Nice" panties-LOL.)When I "ask" my H to have sex with me and he responds by telling me that he doesn't want to have sex with me because he "doesn't like the way that I look at myself in the mirror, when he threatens to leave me and says that we "don't have a happy family life" he is rejecting my romantic soul and that's what really hurts.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Although I have a few problems with the approach that Schnarch uses, I still think his underlying principle is sound. I think sexual attraction and drive come directly from intimacy and EC. What I hear you saying keeps sounding like some kind of higher order rationalization to put another wall around you. The assumption that you are HD is wrong IMO. You are high drive for acceptance, which causes you to be high drive for sex. How did you feel as that girl in the white dress, walking back from a sexual encounter? Did you feel accepted, whole, loved? Isn’t that feeling what you are trying to get back to? Don’t you feel further from that when you and your H are distant and sex is lacking?
Romanticism is fine and good, but as we will see with Lord Grenville, it can also be a way of hiding. It paints the world as you would like it to be, not as it really is, and anything that creates an illusion, no matter how innocent it may seem, cannot foster real vulnerability.
Also, I agree with you about Blackfoot. I’ve started to reply to his thoughts several times, but there is a lot of good in what he says. Like anything else, taken too far it can become harmful. I see some of his ideas as being just another way of protecting himself from getting hurt, then justifying it as weakness on the part of the woman because she couldn’t pass some test. True intimacy and vulnerability require no test. They only require honesty an self knowledge without delusion. Not an easy thing to do.
