A little background first: good/boring marriage before. A started in May. I found out in Oct. DH refused to have a clean cut and was planning to leave. Started in Nov I started DBing and requested his PA turned to EA. He agreed. Since Nov, DB working quite well and he did not leave though he still see OW about once a week. I thought we were getting close to the part where he would break up with her. (Yesterday night he told me what I am writing below) 2-3 weeks ago he found out she's pregnant. At some point he told her to get an abortion. She did it last Sat. Now h is feeling VERY GUILTY. This is against his values. (Note: readers, you may have different opinion on this issue but please for now don't judge him or ow on this). He wanted to spend more time with her now to make sure she's OK through this period. I am at a loss as to what to do now. As a woman, I do feel for her having to go through this. If I were a stranger or her friend, I would definitely spend lots of time with her. But as the spouse, I am very afraid that if h spends more time with her, she will get the wrong idea or both will get back into a deeper relationship. But I also feel h has an obligation to see her through this. Yet I don't want him to be her rock at this time. It's probably not good for her to hang on to h if eventually (hopefully) he comes back to me.
What do I do now? Do I let him see her lots? Do I set a time limit? (which I know h will not set, not his style) Do I not let him go out a lot? (which is probably against both our moral code for both h and myself) Crazy idea. may be I go with h and help her out together? (not sure how this can be done at all) Anyone gone through this or have a good idea?
Also, h is very stressed. any idea on how to behave around him at this period?
Thanks. I am so lost. I am having very mixed emotions now.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
one more thing. I am feeling guilty myself because I actually have doubts about the whole thing. Is dh lying? I do not think so because there is no need to. If he wanted to leave me, he could have done it long ago. No need to create a fancy story. Is OW lying? I feel bad doubting another human being for something so serious. But at the same time, she's 34, (took me almost a year to get pregnant before 30) and I don't think they actually had sex that often, plus PA turned into EA 2-3 months ago. It is just not very credible. Was it OW's last attempt to hang on to h? I feel being evil just to think about it, but should I? There's no way to find out now. Dh totally believed it.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
OC - I've been here a LOOOONG time, and seen SEVERAL cases where the OW lied about being pregnant. So no, I don't think it's unreasonable that you have doubts.
Should H be her support? No, in my book. She CHOSE to have sex with a married man, she CHOSE to use less than two simultaneous forms of birth control, and she CHOSE to abort (if she did). If she really WAS pregnant, she could have chosen to do the noble thing - leave your H alone, have the child, and give it up for adoption to a loving family. Your H didn't FORCE her to have an abortion.
It's a tough place you're in. If you try to point out any holes in OWs story, you look bad. But if you're too understanding, you give OW the opportunity to sink her hooks further into H.
thank you for your support. I feel so much better for someone to validate my doubts as not being a bad person.
I thought about it and yes, I probably cannot point out the doubt that she may be lying. Hopefully I can sneak in a remark or two at the appropicate moments to raise his awareness/doubts. Funny I did point out to h that eventhough he did ask her to have the abortion, it was also her choice. A woman cannot be forced into it unless she also chose to do so. After all, she's a 34 yr old professional, not a 17 yr old airhead. I wonder how much of my talk sink into h's head. Right now he is just so guilty. On the other hand, he did tell me that he asked her to have the abortion (which is in general against his values), because he thought about our kids and did not want another child at this time to complicate matters. Right before last week, as far as I could tell, he was working on cutting ties with her. So his decision for her to abort is inline with his feelings to work on our relationship. May be this is what trigger her to tell him about the (real or not) pregnancy.
At this point I cannot do much to stop him from seeing her. He feels he needs to support her through this recovery period (in a sense, I feel that he is partly responsible to also). I am just going to continue to be lovely to him so he won't fall into her arms so readily.
On a side note, I gave him a VERY STRONG WARNING about 1-2 months ago (when the pregnancy already happened, if it did) about "never trust a woman on birth control". It is just a bit funny to see this happening now. So much like a soap opera.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
I certainly wouldn't beat yourself up over suspecting that she may just be making the whole thing up. If things were cooling off between them, she might have just pulled this stunt to suck him back in.
I don't think that suggesting that possibility to your H would do much good though. It would probably only serve to make him leap to her defense, and you'd be the bad guy, and you don't want him seeing you in that light. At the same time though, if it is all a sham, then that means he's beating himself up over nothing, so he could actually benefit from having that option to consider.
I think all you can do is just support him as best you can. Keep reinforcing the fact that OW is the one who made the decision, so he shouldn't be blaming himself. I wonder if he even actually really told her she should get an abortion. Somehow I suspect it may have actually gone something along the lines of: OW: We have to consider all the options. Maybe I should just have an abortion... H: *said in a non-committal tone* Yeah, maybe.
Either way, I think the best you can do is to make sure he knows that you don't think less of him and that you support him. If he feels that coming from you, it may make it easier for him to forgive himself.
Me:30 H:30 Together:10yr H left:Oct3'06,couple weeks before 5th wed anniv. No Kids OW bomb:Jan19'07 My thread: He filed.
Maybe H needs permission to grieve the loss of his child, or at least what he believes to be the loss of his child...
If OW has reason to grieve after the abortion, so does H. But, I hope H depends on you for support through his grieving rather than OW.
It is not really very healthy for OW to rely upon H for support if he is exiting her life. He will not give her what she really emotionally wants from him and it will truly just make her life worse.
I wouldn't push H to "forgive" himself for the abortion. This suggests he did something wrong.
Guess what happened this morning? H was supposed to go with OW to see doc for a "followup", a week after the abortion. Now she said she would go on Monday instead. Bingo!!! I guess we can all agree on this board that the probability of her lying is getting quite high at this point. Me: "strange, that the followup is a week. I thought it would be sooner." H: "you think she's lying". Me:"I am sure you trust her". H:"Yes, I trust her. People do not lie about these things. I saw the medicine, antibiotics that she's taking." At this point, I wanted to laugh so much. But I could not tell him that "this is probably among the top 5 tricks they use". No, I kept my mouth shut. But I did say he should go to doc with her on Monday. We'll see how that goes. I cannot say much anymore. He chooses to believe her and that's it. At this point, I am just going to continue DBing until when I decide there's no more point doing so. Even if he was lying about everything, I would have wasted a few months doing this DB thing but for now, I choose to believe him. At the same time, I am finding my own life like contemplating a new career/school, hobbies, etc. Quite productive, actually.
Ophelia, and oldtimer, good advice. I will be supportive to him and just keep on DBing. So far I have tried a few notes on that it is her choice also. Ophelia, I would not be surprised that it was her to initiate the abortion talk as you said. Esp. since he found out Thursday night and she did it Saturday morning. I doubt he could have made a decision THAT FAST on such a serious issue. She probably needed to get the "abortion" done soon to "cover up the tracks".
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
Actually, I think that standard follow-ups are 2-3 weeks. It is easy to check by calling the clinic. Also, ask them how long it takes to make an appointment for the procedure. She contacted them on Friday for a Saturday procedure???? Ask if they prescribe antibiotics and what kind...
Your H sounds like he may be projecting, that maybe he thinks she is lying...
oldtimer, good advice I may see if I can dig up anything. I know for sure I cannot go to h for any of the answer it will just make him lose respect for me, if not worse. I believe I did sow enough seeds for him to doubt, if he ever chooses to rethink the whole situation later. Right now he believes her so I cannot do anything. It's funny it is just like how our betrayed spouses just ignored ALL the obvious facts at the start of the affair because we chose to believe....
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
I didn't realize that you took antibiotics after an abortion??? They don't give them to you after having a baby???....maybe she has an STD infection???....
I also don't think you can schedule an abortion that quickly... of course I wouldn't know because I never had one or tried to schedule one...
I think she felt him slipping away...and if the PA really had ended perhaps she had to come up with this to suck him back in.. as he was obviously on his way out....
I don't think he should be her shoulder....certainly she must have a close g/f she can confide in....I think I would definitely want to put a limit on it...and if he is going to be her support they should meet in a public place to talk....not at her home in privacy where they could get physically close....not sure how you can carry this all off...or if you can...
keep us posted...I was afraid I might have had to face this because H had an A and neither one used b/c....she got 3 husbands this way (my assumption because she had been married 3 times, 4 kids, and "didn't even think about getting pregnant" with H???)
