Bizarre situation

[geordie]

ask them if they want to go out and have drinks or something on the nights that he sleeps over. see how he reacts. Once again don't make yourself too avaiable and creative a mystery about yourself when you go out during the times that he least expect it.

Thanks for your comments....problem is, because he is on night shift he sleeps here in the daytime so he would never know if I went out. Also with having the little one it is almost impossible to get out alone....hard to trust anyone with your child if you don't know them too well. But I am making progress in that area, getting to know someone I may be able to leave S with for a while, and occasionally I have taken S out with me for a meal with a friend. H seems curious to know my whereabouts too.

I did check out the meet up links....amazed to see one abour British ex-pats! I do miss home more now because of this situation. Would have SO MUCH support if I was home and plenty of opportunity to go out as the grandparents miss S so much and love to have him as much as possible! Guess that's why I didn't miss H over Xmas as I was having a lot of fun!

Recent interactions with H have been good; he has been doing little things for me (called me out of the blue last night asking what size the air con filter was as he was in the store and wanted to get one...??! Guess he wasn't with OW at that moment even though he just drove to her several hours previously). Tonight when I came in from work he was lying on the bed with S (trying to get him to sleep - guess he misses him since he's never around at bed time, and S usually sleeps in his crib) and he seemed really relaxed and didn't rush away when I came in. Wanted to show me how he makes S laugh. Things have been positive overall.

I told him that he wouldn't see S this weekend as we were going to California. He was curious to find out more but I smiled and said that details didn't matter (my brother is in the US for a week or so, so I am going to SF to see him). I know I shouldn't have but I said (as he was on his way out of the door) "I would have liked you to come with me...." he replied "err...oh..no, that isn't right". For some reason that made me quite upset.

Anyway, later on I felt really down depsite having a good day. It was that last comment he said that got to me, like he didn't even want to go anywhere with me. I called his cell (knowing that he wouldn't quite have reached OW yet). I told him I was sad and that even though I am trying to move on with my life I miss being a family and I hold out some hope that we may give our marriage another chance. I didn't say anymore or get too tearful (just a wavering voice); just wary of him thinking the sitch is OK and I'm happy about it. Anyway, for the first time in a while I feel like I heard some very geniune words...he told me "i do miss being with you babe" (and quickly followed that with "and of course I miss S too"). I told him that I didn't want to have a go at him or get angry or talk about R etc - just wanted him to know that I am hurting. Surprisingly he didn't try to get me off the phone (like ususal) and we changed the subject to california......of course I told him who and why (he kept asking who I knew in california and I am not a good liar.....too damn honest!). Anyway, all in all, it ended on a good note and he said "I'll see you tomorrow".

Ups and downs...it's giving me a headache. I'm very stressed with work this month although I am really trying to make the effort to keep looking after myself. Need to look good every time I see H and so far it's working. He is noticing.

Oh well...that's it for now.

[geordie]

4ever,

I know it is hard to continue allowing him to sleep over, but you do not want to give him a reason to give up this M. Don't make him think he has gotten to the point of no return. Especially if he is having a MLC. He will snap out of it.

Thanks....I hope you are right! Just not sure if I can wait that long.

As for allowing this sitch to become permanent, I think I would rather have the uncertainty that at any moment my H will return to me than to have him completely move out and file for D. That is what got me where I was. I was being too pushy and I am sure a lot of my actions caused resentment on his part, so he pushed back and file. Even if he wanted to continue, I am sure the OW would not allow it. In disciplining the child; Be the good cop. Let her be the bad cop.

Your words are really comforting. You are right and PATIENCE is what I need....and what I sorely lack! I know I shouldn't think about OW (have so many better words for her than OW but I guess I can't say them on this site.....) I could go on and on but I won't ....it's not productive. I really appreciate your point of view having gone through your sitch.

[Loves_Divine]

I told him that he wouldn't see S this weekend as we were going to California. He was curious to find out more but I smiled and said that details didn't matter (my brother is in the US for a week or so, so I am going to SF to see him). I know I shouldn't have but I said (as he was on his way out of the door) "I would have liked you to come with me...." he replied "err...oh..no, that isn't right". For some reason that made me quite upset.

You have every right to be upset as you were just being honest. But at the same token, try not to if you can, to express your desires right now. Just try to see what happens if you don't.

Anyway, later on I felt really down depsite having a good day. It was that last comment he said that got to me, like he didn't even want to go anywhere with me. I called his cell (knowing that he wouldn't quite have reached OW yet). I told him I was sad and that even though I am trying to move on with my life I miss being a family and I hold out some hope that we may give our marriage another chance. I didn't say anymore or get too tearful (just a wavering voice); just wary of him thinking the sitch is OK and I'm happy about it. Anyway, for the first time in a while I feel like I heard some very geniune words...he told me "i do miss being with you babe" (and quickly followed that with "and of course I miss S too"). I told him that I didn't want to have a go at him or get angry or talk about R etc - just wanted him to know that I am hurting. Surprisingly he didn't try to get me off the phone (like ususal) and we changed the subject to california......of course I told him who and why (he kept asking who I knew in california and I am not a good liar.....too damn honest!). Anyway, all in all, it ended on a good note and he said "I'll see you tomorrow".

Lord knows how many times I felt like this in the early beginnings of our separation. Though I never got past holding the phone but not actually calling, I've always wondered what would have happened if I did. Of course since I know what I know now it would've just put more pressure on her. It's totally understandable. On a good note, it may very have left a good impression. That the door is open should he decide to work on it.

Ups and downs...it's giving me a headache. I'm very stressed with work this month although I am really trying to make the effort to keep looking after myself. Need to look good every time I see H and so far it's working. He is noticing.

Kudos on the looking good part. But also keep in mind you're doing it for yourself as well. Looking good plays a major part in feeling good. When I started doing this, I have to admit I really worked hard so it wouldn't be too over the top or seem out of character. For a while there I felt like I was in MLC. But in time it just felt natural. It's been a while since I was being hit on by women but if felt good. I only felt somewhat uncomfortable in instances where the ladies seemed to be in their mid 20's. I felt old enough to be their father. I wonder what would have happened if my W was with me at that time. Just kidding! Just wondering.....

Time and patience are your allies. Make the most of them and use them to your advantage.

Keep up the good work and you and your family will be in my prayers.

I'm not sure if right now you have the desire to read up on books but one that I've been reading recently really caught my attention. It's entitled, "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck MD. Check it out at your local library. You can google it and see the some excerpts before you decide to pick it up.
Hang in there my friend.

H

[4ever_Regretful]

H seems curious to know my whereabouts too.

Don't forget to count this baby step.

I do miss home more now because of this situation. Would have SO MUCH support if I was home and plenty of opportunity to go out as the grandparents miss S so much and love to have him as much as possible! Also with having the little one it is almost impossible to get out alone....hard to trust anyone with your child if you don't know them too well.

Sorry for your lack of physical support here. But remember your DB pals are here! You may vent and know we will be here to listen. Emotional support.

I have a real hard time thinking someone other than my mother law would be caring for my D too. I don't mind baby sitting for you. Perhaps you can drop by when you are in California!

Recent interactions with H have been good; he has been doing little things for me (called me out of the blue last night asking what size the air con filter was as he was in the store and wanted to get one...??! Guess he wasn't with OW at that moment even though he just drove to her several hours previously). Tonight when I came in from work he was lying on the bed with S (trying to get him to sleep - guess he misses him since he's never around at bed time, and S usually sleeps in his crib) and he seemed really relaxed and didn't rush away when I came in. Wanted to show me how he makes S laugh. Things have been positive overall.

More baby steps to add to your list!

I know I shouldn't have but I said (as he was on his way out of the door) "I would have liked you to come with me...." he replied "err...oh..no, that isn't right". For some reason that made me quite upset.

Pretty sure I would have done the same. I would wonder while in California if I would have asked would he have come along. At least when you are away, he may even wondered what it would be like to be there with you and your S. I would have been upset too because of him now wanting to do the "right" thing. Hopefully, he will figure out what that is and return to your arms.

Anyway, for the first time in a while I feel like I heard some very geniune words...he told me "i do miss being with you babe" (and quickly followed that with "and of course I miss S too"). I told him that I didn't want to have a go at him or get angry or talk about R etc - just wanted him to know that I am hurting. Surprisingly he didn't try to get me off the phone (like ususal) and we changed the subject to california......of course I told him who and why (he kept asking who I knew in california and I am not a good liar.....too damn honest!). Anyway, all in all, it ended on a good note and he said "I'll see you tomorrow".

I think he is similar to my H in that respect. H shows me that he genuiuely cares about me, but then because he is afraid to commit to the R again, H tries to take back what has been said or done by withdrawing. In a way to protect himself and me. Doesn't want me to be lead on. I guess in a way they would like to believe they know what they want and strive to run the course with that. They are thrown off course when they unconsiously reveal not only to us, but themselves with words or actions they still have feelings for us. I am sure he just needs more time to figure it out on his own.

Ups and downs...it's giving me a headache. I'm very stressed with work this month although I am really trying to make the effort to keep looking after myself. Need to look good every time I see H and so far it's working. He is noticing.

Lots of progress to record on your list of baby steps!

I am happy for you. Keep the positives coming!

[4ever_Regretful]

Hi geordie,

I have noticed you been MIA. Hopefully things has been going well and that is the reason why.

Take care!

Waiting to hear a positive update on your sitch.

[geordie]

Hi geordie,

I have noticed you been MIA. Hopefully things has been going well and that is the reason why.

Take care!

Waiting to hear a positive update on your sitch.

Thanks for checking! I wish I could say that my reason for MIA was a good sitch! Have been overwhelemed with work (not telling H as this is more fuel for the fire, so just trying to deal with it). Had a good trip to SF and then got back to so much work...off to the east coast next week (work) and H supposed to be looking after S.

Things with H seemed to be getting better....to the point I was becoming hopeful. We talked for 30 mins yesterday when I got back from work and he even held me and hugged me, almost kissed me. He said he misses me and it's really hard for him. Took a nose dive though when he said that he wanted to take S to stay with OW while I was on east coast for several days. Didn't want to be away from OW for so long (don't forget he is away from OW all day Tues, all day Wed then from Thurs noon to Sun late morning)...only this coming weekend he was supposed to be staying in our marital home until next Tues evening while I was gone. I didn't flip (internally I did!) but got upset and said that I couldn't, as a good mother, allow my son who isn't even 2yrs to stay in OW house...the woman that stole his daddy. It is not acceptable to put him in a position where he sees daddy with another woman. H just didn't understand where I was coming from and started to say how that means that he can never see S around OW ...ever (yep, that's correct, H, you will never have S around that *****). He thinks he can play happy families with her and doesn't think that it will affect S. He is in la-la land.

Anyway, we had a 2 hour phone convo late last night (OW must be working nights...so they actually see each other VERY little) - went over all this stuff, I cried, he got angry, parts were good (H said "I can never compare what I have with OW to what I have/had with you") and parts were bad (H = "my feelings for her are growing stronger and I can't be away from her for so many days....or I'll lose her just like I lost you"). Pained me to hear it. I told him that he hadn't lost me etc. I said that I was sorry that his feelings for another woman were stronger than his need to do right by his son. I did praise him a lot about being a good father, good around the house etc but him wanting to expose S to the affair has floored me. He doesn't see it as a affair.....!!!!!????

I mentioned the D word. said that I cannot take this anymore....I am trying so hard to save my marriage, I'm changing all the things that I realized contributed to this from my part, but H is just flaunting the A in my face and treating me like a doormat. If he doesn't think that our marriage is worth saving and our family is not worth keeping intact then he needs to end it but that will end all contact with me. I cannot mentally deal with seeing the person I love walk in and out of my life knowing that he is being intimate with OW. He said he couldn't afford a lawyer and that he couldn't imagine never seeing me again.......so, he really hasn't changed his mind in the past 7 months....wants me as his best friend but not his wife and lover. I know that D isn't the answer and I don't want one, but I am starting to wonder if we can ever recover from this.....his second PA (and there was an additional EA in there too).

So, on a big downer now...but trying not to think about it because of my hectic work schedule. Things will calm down at work in another week so I guess that gives me time to see where the next step with H is going.

BTW he doesn't even want to spend ONE night alone with S while I'm gone so my babsitter is cutting short her trip to be able to take S for 3 days. If I could cancel this trip I would......

[4ever_Regretful]

Hi geordie,

Sorry to hear about what is happening in your sitch.

If he doesn't think it is an A, he must be in denial. Must be a symtom of MIL.

Could your H not feel confident about taking care of your S on his own? Yes, he might miss OW but the issue may be he needs to have someone else there to help with caring for your S.

Don't feel too bad about mentioning D. There are times when just knowing what to expect helps us keep our sanity even if that means a D we don't want.

Take care of yourself and keep me posted.

[geordie]

If he doesn't think it is an A, he must be in denial. Must be a symtom of MIL.

Could your H not feel confident about taking care of your S on his own?

I have always thought there are symptoms of MIL too....

And H does take care of S on his own and has previously looked after him overnight when I've had to travel for work....so it's not about him not feeling confident. I honestly believe it is OW saying that they will not last if he spends so much time away from her.......some of the things that come out of his mouth are just not him talking.

[4ever_Regretful]

Hi geordie,

I am sorry. It must be upsetting to see him being influenced by the OW. But at least you know he is not coming up with these things on his own. Once he comes out of it, he will see how foolish he was. And hopefully, when her demands become too troublesome or excessive, he may wonder if their interactions are worth it.

Stay Strong!

[geordie]

It must be upsetting to see him being influenced by the OW. But at least you know he is not coming up with these things on his own. Once he comes out of it, he will see how foolish he was. And hopefully, when her demands become too troublesome or excessive, he may wonder if their interactions are worth it.

I'm starting to wonder if he'll ever come out of it. Seems too comfortable with things, although he has said that this whole thing is hard for him and is very stressful. 4-Ever, What made you realize that your marriage was important and that you didn't want to lose your H?

Told me yesterday that the reason he wanted S with him while I'm out of town is that he already had something planned for Sunday/Monday and that's why he couldn't stay in our home. I told him I appreciated him telling me but how come he didn't do it sooner. He said he didn't know how to. I didn't get angry but calmly told him that I would really have appreciated him telling me over a month ago when I first asked him to look after S for 3 days, rather than him agreeing but all this time not knowing what to say and then dropping this on me at the last minute. He seemed guilty. I commented that if he had something planned then how come a little one could possibly fit in, was he just going to get someone else to babysit? He said not (and I believe him) but it makes me wonder what they have planned if a child could easily come along. I guess I have to stop thinking of all the things they are doing as it just messes up my head. I honestly thought that his child would be his number one priority - always. He did suggest that he come on Tues and collect S from childminder and also pick me up from the airport. I agreed and thanked him for suggesting it.

Later that evening before he went to work he sat and looked at me and told me he felt like a terrible father. I reassured him that he was a wonderful father but it was hard that he wasn't around much. We both had tears in our eyes. Anyway, before he left for work he hugged and kissed me on the lips - which is the first time since this whole thing began last summer.