Thanks geordie! As you can probably sense from my own thread, I'm trying really hard to stand for my M despite the recent revelations. I'll keep trying 'til I could truly say I did my best. Sometimes I can feel my patience waning but I manage to dig deep and somehow manage to renew my efforts. I try not to succumb to the what I fear will be the inevitable outcome. I draw a lot of inspiration from my own parents, who to this day in their late 60's, still hold hands and go on dates and weekend getaways that it simply amazes me and my siblings.
Please do send me a link of the pdf or better yet email it to me. Thanks in advance. And don't stop reading it'll help a lot. Hang in there! And keep posting.
If you don't mind me asking, how long did your A last? I feel that H is getting too comfortable with the situation as he has the best of both worlds and it will never end. Am also starting to wonder if I could ever really love/trust him again. Maybe it's better to end it now while S is too young to understand much.
No, I don't mind you asking. To tell you the truth, my A with H best friend might have lasted several months. I can't recall. Can you believe it? I ruined my M due to the A and can't recall details about the A. Shows how insignificant it really was. The more I think about it, the more I see how I could have been going through a MLC. According to DR, the life span of an A is about 6 months. And allowing your H to chase his fantasy may shock him back to reality.
Originally Posted By: geordie
I will try and give H more attention....all but ignored him this morning even though he was trying to be nice and cleared all the snow off the drive as soon as he got out of the car after his 2hr drive. I did make dinner this morning and told him it was there when he was hungry (while I was at work, which is a 180 for me since he was the chef in our house!). I am also making links with other people and trying to get out of the house even if I take S with me. Do feel better for it.
I applaud you!!! Sounds like you are back on track to your resourceful self. I need to learn how to cook. (That is part of my 180 as well).
Originally Posted By: geordie
I hope your DB techniques are working for you. Please let me know how things go with you.
At times I feel I have made progress, then at others I am not so sure. Whether I am able to get my H back or not, I know at least I have "left no stone unturned". One less regret. And if you continue to DB, you will be in a much better position mentally for yourself.
I just wanted to see how you're doing? And thank you so much for the ebooks. As soon as I finished downloading, I started reading the How to Break Free one. I must say there's a lot of interesting information there that you won't find in other books of the same topic and vice versa.
Speaking of links, what worked for me so far is this fairly new site called meetup.com You might say, hmmmm it's seems like of those myspace kind of deal. True it has a lot in common. But, this is more along the lines of the Yahoo Groups or AOL. You can look up a "meetup group" typing key words as parameters for your search. Such as in my case say hiking, conversational spanish or portuguese, etc. Then I joined the group and attended their activities. In the groups that I've joined so far, the diversity is amazing such that the age from 25-55, singles and couples (both married and others), diff. ethnic backgrounds, religion, etc. Some even bring kids to the events. Just a simple conduit channeling people of different interests to find their particularly group and enjoy activities that are held by same. Check it out.
Remember to try and always "act as if" and keep a PMA when you interact with your H. I know its particularly hard when they are being difficult and such but it'll get somewhat easier with practice. Hang in there. Take care and keep posting.
According to DR, the life span of an A is about 6 months. And allowing your H to chase his fantasy may shock him back to reality.
Yes, I read that also. I guess I'm also hoping that OW will not stand for the constant contact H has with me and that will wear her down, like she can never have him properly because of our S and H's commitment to S...I know, I know...I can't control what other people do or think but I'd be lying if I didn't think about occasionally.
Thing about the 6-9 month duration of A's, with my sitch H ran out in Oct but because he ran 2 hrs away and he works night shift here (has never got another job even though she has been pushing since Aug) it works out that his schedule is: Tuesday: leave OW at 6am to drive to me and look after S until I get home then get back to OW at 8pm Wed: same as Tues Thurs: sleep in until lunch time, drive 2hrs to work (calls in to see S for half an hour on way), works all night.... Friday: comes "home" to sleep off night shift, goes back to work... Sat: comes home to sleep off night shift, spends a couple of hours as a normal family then goes to work again... Sunday: drives 2hrs to OW, falls asleep, gets up late afternoon then has Sunday evening, and all day Monday with OW (only she is at work on Mondays) then the whole cycle starts again on Tuesday. Thefore, he doesn't see OW AT ALL between Thursday lunch time and Sunday late morning......
So, really even though he moved out, he is actually spending more time here in our home than he is with her, even though I'm not generally present. She only has him on a Monday really as Sunday is a dead day with him turing his scheudule around back to dayshift. See what I mean by "Bizarre Situation"?!! My concern though is that the A may last much longer since they really aren't spending much time together despite the fact they supposedly live together. Almost like it is still an A because they have never spent more than a few consecutive days together (when I was in UK and so he didn't look after S). The PA started in July although OW had been making a play for him long before and my guess is that she was having EA with him for months before he even realized. By the time he did, he was sucked in and couldn't resist.
So, 7 months later here I am. Things have been good between us in recent days...haven't seen much of each other but he has called several times and the general chit-chat was good. Actually no-one would ever guess there was a problem if they overheard the conversation!
Some days I also feel like things are moving in the right direction and then all of a sudden it all falls apart. I have to learn not to get fixated on the bad things. Some days my PMA is wonderful, other days it is very low. Part of the roller coaster I guess. DB really does get us all to a better place mentally, regardless of the outcome of our current sitch.
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
Yes, I read that also. I guess I'm also hoping that OW will not stand for the constant contact H has with me and that will wear her down, like she can never have him properly because of our S and H's commitment to S...I know, I know...I can't control what other people do or think but I'd be lying if I didn't think about occasionally.
Understandable. This is such an awful sitch to be in, we try to find comfort in what we can. If it provides you with some comfort, why not?
Originally Posted By: geordie
So, really even though he moved out, he is actually spending more time here in our home than he is with her, even though I'm not generally present. She only has him on a Monday really as Sunday is a dead day with him turing his scheudule around back to dayshift. See what I mean by "Bizarre Situation"?!! My concern though is that the A may last much longer since they really aren't spending much time together despite the fact they supposedly live together. Almost like it is still an A because they have never spent more than a few consecutive days together (when I was in UK and so he didn't look after S). The PA started in July although OW had been making a play for him long before and my guess is that she was having EA with him for months before he even realized. By the time he did, he was sucked in and couldn't resist.
Sounds like he has not made a final decision. If he truly feels his life is going to be enriched being with his "soul mate", he is not taking the actions neccessary to obtain that such as looking for another job. As confused as we are about their thoughts and actions, we should give them the benefit of the doubt that they may not know what it is they want either. He may be finding comfort in knowing he can have his cake and eat it too. But as you have said stable is better than back sliding. Perhaps the OW will nag him enough about a job change to bug him.
Originally Posted By: geordie
Some days I also feel like things are moving in the right direction and then all of a sudden it all falls apart. I have to learn not to get fixated on the bad things. Some days my PMA is wonderful, other days it is very low. Part of the roller coaster I guess. DB really does get us all to a better place mentally, regardless of the outcome of our current sitch.
You are right about it being part of the rollercoaster. The good part is, the good moments will eventually extend into days. Time is a blessing. Hang in there! Keep DBing!
Well, the R talk never happened this weekend We had good interactions even though we didn't spend much time together (eg he called to let me know that he'd just left (OW) 30 mins prior so I would know what time he would get to childminder's house....even though it is the same time every week so he doesn't really need to call.(he calls in to see S for half an hour on Thursdays on his 2hr drive to work...and on several occasions I have noticed that he seems to be doing this to see me also). He hugged me (as he does most of the time) when he left for work on Sat night - I didn't hug him back but I didn't recoil either and he kissed me on the cheek. Have had that before although it has happened a couple of times lately....baby steps??
I have to say, when I had my big back-slide last week (the final straw that made me post to this site) I told him (thru tears) that I knew I also had made mistakes and I was trying to address them, I've lost weight...blah blah (he said he noticed) don't want to think that we've thrown away 14yrs, a marriage, and a baby without even trying to address the problems...but that if he really didn't want me then tell me because I will stop trying to save this marriage (yikes...I can't believe I actually said that!)....anyway, the one thing he did say was "don't stop trying".....What the...?? I guess he really doesn't know what he wants..........but I do start to feel like a doormat that I am allowing him to sleep here on weekends to save him money for a hotel, knowing that he is being intimate with someone else who he is willing to drive 2hrs for when he's not on night shift! And he still contributes to the mortgage...! Seems to me like he's being really immature but I don't want another child to deal with...I want a husband who loves and respects me. Just worried that the longer this goes on, the easier it will be for both of us to not be a couple; we'll just get used to living in this weird sitch and nothing will get resolved. That scares me.
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
Hi! I'm glad the weekend well somewhat well for you. And yes baby steps, we should always look out for baby steps. Almost everyone does what you have that you consider backslides. It's within all of us to find out what is wrong particularly in a relationship that you've invested time and effort into but confronting the other.I think sometimes it's good for that to happen so perhaps in a way it's sort of a statement of where we stand in the M, and we stand back try to follow the DB techniques. Makes sense? Ugghhh maybe not. But don't feel bad, your concerns about getting too comfy with the current sitch are legitimate but at the same time positives.
What I'm referring to is that he still sleeps there and not totally moved out. He's still contributing to the mortgage, another good sign. Just try not to make yourself too available. Create a sort of mystery about you and your routine. Did you check out the meetup.com link? Just try it see if you'll find a group that shares your interest. And try not feel like a doormat and if it make you feel any better you are the wife and she is the OW, nothing concrete about whatever they're having right now are there? But again I undertand where you're coming from. Here's an idea, if you have a girlfriend or close coworker (same sex of course), ask them if they want to go out and have drinks or something on the nights that he sleeps over. see how he reacts. Once again don't make yourself too avaiable and creative a mystery about yourself when you go out during the times that he least expect it.
Here's the link after I did a search of all meetups in a 50 mile radius around Ann Arbor MI. The results should show if you click on the link.
I was thinking of you and had wondered about the R convo you were going to have. I am glad it didn't happen. Guess he is still considering the M.
Baby steps are all we can look forward to. I am glad you have a handful to be happy about.
You are right about him not knowing what he wants. I know it is hard to continue allowing him to sleep over, but you do not want to give him a reason to give up this M. Don't make him think he has gotten to the point of no return. Especially if he is having a MLC. He will snap out of it.
As for allowing this sitch to become permanent, I think I would rather have the uncertainty that at any moment my H will return to me than to have him completely move out and file for D. That is what got me where I was. I was being too pushy and I am sure a lot of my actions caused resentment on his part, so he pushed back and file. Even if he wanted to continue, I am sure the OW would not allow it. In disciplining the child; Be the good cop. Let her be the bad cop.
