Do you do things together with your D? I have found that our S is a major factor in the fact that H is still around at some level even though he doesn't live here anymore. Our often limited conversations are always pleasant when we are talking about S. The little things that S does make us laugh and that's what we talk about most of the time...keeps the talk away from R and everything is light and sometimes fun. S really is what is keeping us connected. I hope you are able to talk about your D in the same way.
The first years with your child are so important...I am making a real effort to enjoy this time interacting with S and having fun as I don't want to look back and not be able to remember anything because of what me and H were going through.
Don't know if this is the right thing or not but I have read somewhere (? DR?) that one W wrote a letter to H so she could get things out in the open that he would not listen to her say. I have mixed feelings about letters but in the right circumstances it could be useful. Only you would know the answer to that one. Keep the PMA and a good atmosphere when you see H; that is the key.
Let us know what happens when H comes back from trip. Keeping you in my thoughts.
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
My D is close to 6 months old. I take her for walks to the park and such, but as a family, we have only been to family functions. My H does not plan any special time to be with her. I guess it is because he takes care of her during the night, he feels that is enough. On the weekends, if he has places to go with his friends, he will stay out until the wee hours of the next day. Even if it is his mom that will have to be responsible for our D. He was not like this before he found out of the A. That is why I feel so guilty.
We do share in laughs about our D. When we talk we are able to still share other things as well.
It is important to enjoy your time with your S. I am making that a priority with my D. My pregnancy was one of the worst moments of my life but that was because I allowed it to be.
My H and I used to write little notes and letters to each other, but under the circumstances, I don't think he will read what I have to write. I have tried on a couple of occasions to give him letters, but I don't think he reads them.
I have been running the scenario of his return in my mind and I honestly just want to give him a big hug and kiss, but I don't want to send him running in the other direction. Whatever I do, I will keep in mind your advice about PMA and good atmosphere. I am also making sure I am not disappointed if he decides to go out right after getting back.
I will keep you posted. Thank you for thinking of me. I think of you as well.
Journaling:
Another day with no contact from H. He called the house number I guess expecting to get his Mom. His niece picked up and on her end of the conversation, I guessed he asked if the kids were behaving. She ended the call abruptly when her friend came over. I tried not to, but I had to ask her what he had said. She told me what I had thought and said that is all she remembered him asking.
Oh well. I am trying not to think of this as a significant indicator of anything.
The azalea has been planted. Didn't get a chance to get on the bike today, but I will tomorrow.
No contact with H. MIL did tell me he called earlier today while I was asleep and told her he will be away for a couple of more days. She added he said he was going to call me later to tell me. That has not happened. I am not even surprised.
I think I am getting better at handling this. This happened while I was pregnant. H went to England, but was suppose to be back during my Spring break from school to take me on a short trip. H calls his Mom and tells her he extended his trip. Then he calls me, but I literally sob without control when told from the hurt.
This time around, I didn't try to make any plans and am not taking it personal. I am sure if he wanted to be back tomorrow night as planned, he can, but he chose not to. As I see it, I have choices too. I can chose to be upset or accept it and keep my focus on myself.
I have chosen the latter and was able to have a great day. I played with the his nieces and nephew aka "the kids". I can double dutch with the best of them (the kids).
And anyday I get to spend with my daughter is a good day!
Good to see your PMA! It seems to me like H may be trying to "punish" you, to make you feel some hurt.....the staying out late, coming home from the trip later than supposed to, etc. I know when I get mad with my H I just think "what the hell" and don't bother to tell him I won't be home for the weekend (Fri and Sat are when he sleeps off his night shift at our house - the only time he sleeps in our bed). I do it because he is having his cake and eating it so why should I care about him....of course it never works ...but without finding DB I think I would have done it since finding out about the A. Now I rarely do it. It also speaks on some level the hurt he is feeling too - if he didn't care about you then he wouldn't be behaving in this way.
You are doing so well by CHOOSING not to feel the pain from his actions. That's very empowering for you. Keep it up....it's the only way forward. You have to interact with H because of your D so make sure that EVERY interaction is good and you laugh together about what cute things D does. Easier said than done I know but it really does help. Hope things go OK on his return.
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
Just checking up on you. How's your PMA lately? geordie is right with her assessment that H is in some sort of punishing mode. Good choice you accepting. Hey why don't you take the kids to the zoo one time. I've been taking my brother's kids and they absolutely love it. Inexpensive and fun. Bring your AAA for a small discount if you have one. Another great place to go is the California Science Center near USC. Lots of interactive exhibits for the kids to experience. If you need some info on places you may want to take the kids, let me know since I might just come up with more the ones hereinbelow.
I'm glad to read here that you're learning how to handle how you react. Believe me you'll need plenty in that regard. Bottomline line is that it is so true when they say, you cannot control anyone else's actions but you can at least control your reaction(s). And it's time to take care of YOU. And when YOU are taken care of....the rest will fall into place. Hang in there.
H
PS When you get a chance try to check out my last two posts. I was slipping sliding away. Seriously, I just need to know if it was a really bad back slide. Thanks.
I am making a consious effort to make every interaction with H a good one.
Thank you for your suggestions. It has been a while since we went to The LA Zoo. We can plan a trip there. As for the California Science Center, H and I were planning on participating in science overnight, but never got to it. I should look into that as well.
Journaling:
H called my cell phone and left a message on Sunday afternoon telling me he was going to do his best to get back on Monday night. It was nice to hear him not only telling me when he was going to be back, but in a way "promising" he will be back asap. Sounded like he wanted to be back as badly as I wanted him back. Even if H only missed our baby and not me.
My cousin called yesterday afternoon asking if I would like to go to dinner. She was going to come by and visit the baby and me, but wanted to know if I could go to dinner as well. Since my H said he was going to be back last night I wanted to be home when he returned. I called him about 4pm and he told me he was already on his way back home, but would need to stop by the company so he will be returning late. Calling him is a 180 for me. Since we use to make our own schedules, I would have gone and told him when I returned. H told me to go to dinner with cousin and he returned a couple of hours after I did.
I was already in bed with DD, but I was not asleep. H came in and turned on the lights. H normally doesn't turn on the lights when he returns late to avoid waking us up. I took that as a sign H wanted to talk to me. I got up as he fumbled through the mail with his back to me and gave him a big hug. No, I didn't forget that would be a violation of the no physical contact rule. Couldn't contain my excitment. H didn't seem to mind, but he didn't seem to encourage it neither. No matter what I was happy he was back so that didn't bother me. I got back under the covers again. H continued to talk to me telling me about the trip.
After some conversation, he announced he was going to shower. Since I have already gave him a hug earlier, one more couldn't hurt. This time he was facing me. He eventually placed his arms around me. For the first time in a long time. I told me it was because I haven't seen him for so long. Kissed him on the cheek and let him get to his shower.
H turned the lights off and went to shower. He was still in a talkative mood when he got back. H got in bed on the other side of DD. This time I shared my week with him as well. I held onto his hand during most of the conversation. H didn't withdraw his hand, so I pretend not to notice. Near the end I got on the same side of the bed and cuddle up next to him. We talked a while longer and I returned to my side and slept.
DD had some conjestion and woke up about 5 am and would not go back to sleep. Close to 6am, MIL took over and told me to go back to sleep. Yes! She is a wonderful woman. She wanted me to give DD meds, but I was didn't feel she needed it. I checked with H and he agreed not to. I tried to cuddle up next to him, but this time he withdrew. Now I wished I hadn't because it seems to negate any progress I may have made.
Called DH at work. DD seemed to be at a point where meds were needed. Wanted to consult/inform him meds will be given and her current condition.
Spoke to him again one more time today when he called to inquire about the whereabouts of our lab top.
From the short conversations over the phone, I guess I didn't screw up as bad as I thought. But I really don't know what he is thinking. I will try not to bother him for the next couple of days.
Wow! this is great! Baby steps....but this is several baby steps in a row. And he initiated some of them. Expect things to be not so good after this (the usual back step after every forward one) but I am very encouraged! Just don't push any further for now. Keep your PMA!
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
Thank you for "visiting". I am going to try not to push, but it is so hard.
Journaling:
Got off work half an hour late this morning, so I got home half an hour late. Didn't get into bed until close to 7am. An hour after I would normally be in bed. Needless to say I didn't realize when H left for work half an hour later.
Didn't think I was going to have any contact with H today, but he got back from work just as I was leaving. I was happy to see him. Pretty much cornered him, said good bye, and gave him a quick peck on the lips. He didn't flinch. Perhaps too surprised.
When I got to work, I was offered to work OT up to an hour each night any day I chose without advance noticed. I forwarded the confirmation email to H and decided to call him. He picked up, but I could tell he was sleeping. I made a comment about him sleeping and he asked me why I had called. I told him about the OT and said I had forwarded him the email about it. H did not make a comment, but was not in a rush to get off the phone. I ended the call saying good night. Would have wanted to say ILY, which would have been out of character for me, but I truly felt it.
PMA is high. But will work on controlling myself because I do not want to invade H's space and have him revolt by withdrawing.
I'm glad to see your PMA is up. That will make you more attractive to H.
I thought my work hours were strange, it's good to know I'm not alone. I'm curious about something if you don't mind me asking. Do you think your work hours had anything to do with the situation you find yourself in? Did H ever make any comments about it?
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I'm curious about something if you don't mind me asking. Do you think your work hours had anything to do with the situation you find yourself in? Did H ever make any comments about it?
I don't mind you asking. When the A were occurring, I was working a three twelve schedule (7am -7pm Friday - Sunday)and attending school during the week. My H was working during the week and attending school at night. I believe my work hours did largely contributed to my sitch. The part that made me feel like he did not care was because he didn't comment on it. There were times I would leave for work on Sat. morning and he would still be gambling with his friends from the night before. His friends would make comments about me working hard and such. He would not. A lot of times I would like to think I could possibly get a hug or massage after working a 12 hour shift, but that is not the case. Or at least someone to talk to on the long drive home (it takes me about 45 min. - 1 hr. one way). But I make it a point not to call when I know he is out. Usually the convo will be short if I do call to let him know I am coming home. Looking back I should have voiced my concerns and desires.
See what happens when you ask a question, I respond by writing a book. Ask away if you dare.
