It's me again! Since my first thread was such a long post with my initial "story" of what has happened to me, I thought I would start a new one just to ask for some support on a specific issue.
So my husband is seeing another woman but has said that he is going to break it off with her and give us another chance but still has not done so. I am feeling so angry and hurt, as he is asking me to wait patiently for him while he continues to sleep with another woman every night! I've told him how much this is tearing me up inside, and he says he's sorry and doesn't know why he's doing it and keeps reassuring me (at my request) that is he going to give us another chance "no matter what." I'm absolutely dying inside. I've been doing a horrible job of chasing, crying, demanding, pursuing, etc., etc., and I know that that is just pushing him away, but I don't know how else to cope and feel like I'm absolutely dying inside and losing my mind!
So, two questions: 1.) Do you think I'm safe in believing him that he IS going to come back to me when he's ready? If so, what should I do to help make this happen sooner rather than later? 2.) Has anyone else been through this same situation that would be willing to share their experience with this with me? It's killing me to know that he says he wants to be with me but that he's going to her bed every night. I'm confused and frustrated and angry, sad - everything all rolled into one. Please help!
I've been given the advice to stop chasing, stop asking about the OP and talking about our relationship, etc. I want to work on doing that, because I can sense that my constant pursuing of him is pushing him away, but I'm so afraid that if I stop he will think that I'm okay with things the way they are and that I don't mind if he continues to see her. I don't want him to think that I'm okay, but it sounds as if the advice I'm being given is to act like I AM okay - I'm scared! He has already told me that we make great business partners, which we do. I've told him that if now we could both just put as much effort into the romantic part of our relationship as we do our business that we would have something magical, and I truly believe that. So I worry that if I stop talking about us and my fears and desires that he will just be content with going about our business lives and keep going to her house every night for the romantic side of his relationship. I don't want him to think that that is okay with me, because it's not. I just want the chance to give him what I haven't before. I know I can do it, and I want desperately to show him that... So I'm afraid to completely back off... Thoughts?
Your H is doing what he is doing for him.. It is time Tam .. to do things for YOU ! Stop and quit the worrying about him... Let go of everything and focus on YOU !
At is right. You've done the pleading, crying etc now it's time to let go. Will he come back? Who knows but right now his actions are not matching his promises to return. Maybe all your pursuing is keeping him away, maybe not. It's time to try something different. Back off, make yourself happy and let him see that you will do just fine without him. That may actually be what he needs to come back. It's worth thinking about and besides, either way you'll have to do it anyway. GAL and look after you.
Thanks for the advice, Tom. I do appreciate it. I know I need to focus on me. I just don't want to let go of him... I'm so scared. And I want - need - to believe that he is going to come back to me. I feel so helpless and scared. I don't want to lose my marriage, and I'm committed to doing whatever it takes to save it. I just don't know what that is...
Thank you for your thoughts. I guess my problem is that I don't WANT to be okay without him. I truly feel like he completes my world, and I desperately want another chance to make him and us happy. I'm afraid to let go, and I don't want to. I want to do the right thing to make him want to give us another chance...
Tom, I just don't know how to DO that! I think about him every waking minute of the day, can't sleep at night, can't focus on my work, am obsessed with thoughts of him - I am absolutely going crazy and don't know HOW to just focus on me. And while I am indeed my own person, he DOES complete my world. I cannot even imagine my life without him in it. I am hurting so much...
Wow Tom, you just beat me to it!
Tambear, none of us want to be without our S's BUT we are whether physically and/or emotionally right now. In fact, they may never return. In order for someone to "complete" our world they must be some kind of collectible..." I just need one more for the whole set". I know that is not what you mean BUT your emotional belief puts alot of pressure on the person who is expected to "complete" your world, so again, you may be pushing H away with this kind of ideal. A loved one can be a wonderful part of our world but in no way can they ever complete it or be that final piece to a puzzle. They are just human beings, like you and I, with amazing attributes and really crappy ones! If your H doesn't come back, you will carry on and your life will be as wonderful as you allow it to be. Our hurt right now is not our life, just a part of it.
Thanks for your insight. I guess I'm just not in a spot right now emotionally to be able to even think about my life without him. To me, that is absolutely not an option right now, so I don't even want to go there mentally. Right now, I want to focus my energy on SAVING my marriage, not on how to go on without it. Does that make any sense?
As far as completing me, I value your thoughts and am probably not voicing mine adequately, or maybe I am just fortunate enough to have found someone who does honestly make my world complete. Who knows. At any rate, I know this feeling makes me happy, and in the end, I guess that's what matters.
