Hi all. Happy New Year. Once again the start of a new thread; number 6 already. Thanks again to all the great folks who take the time to read about my life. I decided to move to this forum, somehow Newcomers seemed inappropriate.
Brief recap: Me: 51, WAW: 43; two kids: S9 and D5 Bomb (I don’t love you – I am leaving next month): Jan 06 She never left but I moved out to give her space: 11 May 06 She wants a D (via an email): Jun 06 Complaint for Divorce filed D: 11 Oct 06
Last post for the curious (with links to my entire saga): Last thread
Coming up on a year now. Hard to believe then, still is. She was my best friend and lover. I was depressed and drinking but I thought she was there for me. Wrong.
I scrambled to save my M. At first, I begged and pleaded like everyone else does but of course it did no good. I next focused on the plan in Divorce Remedy and I changed big time. Hard work. I addressed everything my WAW wanted addressed but I did it to get her back. She moved away even further. Her trust in me was gone and the anger that she had to drop the bomb was too great. You see, she feels I broke up the family, not her.
So after much reading and crying it finally dawned on me that I needed to do things for me and I needed to detach; to let go. I decided to move out. Through all this the one thing I really believe is that if you really let someone go then you have the best and maybe the only chance of getting them back. But let’s face it, few come back.
I worked on me FOR ME and in parallel I detached. I accepted what happened, I made positive changes and continue to do so. I connected with my kids. I cut back on the booze. I started to GAL again.
I grew to hate. Yes hate – for my anger that she let this happen and for her smugness and self-righteous attitude. Hate for her anger and unwillingness to forgive me. Hate that she was not strong enough to work through this and her elements of MLC. Hate for my sadness and frustration that she would not even try again and for her failure to accept my changes. Hate for my fear of my future and for my kids. Hate for my self-pity.
Then forgiveness finally came – that took the longest. I came to a point of peace with myself. Only sorrow remains – sorrow for things that I cannot prevent: the loss of my best friend, the loss of my lover, the impacts to my children. The sorrow replaced the hate and the sorrow led me to remember the love. I finally realized that she was as hurt as I was - perhaps even more.
I accepted the hand that was dealt. We all come to that fork in the road: accept it and move on or wait a very long time and hope for recovery. Each of us has to choose which path alone. When is enough, enough? Will they finally “see” and accept the “new” us? Will they ever walk out of that MLC fog? Will they ever take a chance on us? By hanging on or slowing the D am I hurting her? Is that the loving thing to do?
I chose my road – I can honestly say I did everything I could but it is time to move on – with or without her. I no longer NEED her; she is only a desire.
God considered my prayers to reconcile my M and the answer to date is NO. He has other plans for me. But I feel strong and secure. I thank God He put me through this – I came out a far better man. I have reached a summit on the mountain; the view is fantastic! Higher peaks are in the distance. I look forward to the climb. Only opportunities await!
Quote: Through all this the one thing I really believe is that if you really let someone go then you have the best and maybe the only chance of getting them back. But let’s face it, few come back.
I, too felt the same way and decided to let go in hopes that H will find me again sooner. Hanging on for the last year seems to have pushied my H farther and closer to OW. Just hope it wasn't too late. Maybe only few come back but there is still hope that your W or my H will be the few that do.
Quote: I chose my road – I can honestly say I did everything I could but it is time to move on – with or without her
You absolutely did but I believe that until THEY are ready, it doesn't matter what we do, they will not come back when WE want or wish them to.
Quote: God considered my prayers to reconcile my M and the answer to date is NO. He has other plans for me. But I feel strong and secure. I thank God He put me through this – I came out a far better man. I have reached a summit on the mountain; the view is fantastic! Higher peaks are in the distance. I look forward to the climb. Only opportunities await!
God has plans for both you and your W and that is why now is not the time for reconciliation. You have grown so much but your W has much more work to do, she can not come back as she is as the M won't last. Let her work through it.
I am right behind you on the same mountain and the opportunities ARE great.
Hi Jeff, Happy new year, hope this one is a bit better than the last one was. Ok I hope it is a lot better then, I'm sure it will be.
Quote:
I finally realized that she was as hurt as I was - perhaps even more.
No perhaps about it.
I came to the same realisation a month or so ago. You gotta let them come back. No D talk and no R talk at all.
Who filed, the W?
If you are not "Done" then a bit of procrastination in the D proceedings wouldn't hurt, but I wouldn't do anything too obvious. If you don't want the D there is no need to be helping it happen.
Thanks for your Christmas and New Year's posts. It is sad that things have not gone the way we want them to (as yet), but we continue to grow and learn. I am glad that you have come to place of peace and forgiveness. I think the sorrow will take a long time to do away completely--the breakup of a marriage is always a sad thing.
I hope that the New Year 2007 will bring you many wonderful things--love, joy, laughter, and good friends.
Cheers!
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Jeff, Thanks again for your post to me. With the exception of the fact that you are not yet divorced, I see so many similarities in our situations. And of course you are so much further along in your own journey.
I know that I need to pass through the same stages that you seem to have made it through. Today, as I mentioned in my response to your post on my thread, has been the beginnings of my anger stage maybe. The first month or so I expressed my frustration to those around me, but quickly backed off, afraid of running my wife away from me. Since I found this forum I have focused on the typical things, detaching, GAL, taking care of me and my boys, while trying to ensure that Anne knew the door was open here. I feel like I've rarely had the chance to express how mad I am about many of the same things you mentioned.
Why am I the only one of us interested in trying to save our family and marriage? Why is forgiveness something that only I am willing to do? Why did she wait to express her desire for the marriage to end until she was ready to walk out the door? Why is it too late for me to change when I didn't realize things were so far gone? All these things and more run through my head and make me so upset with her and how she has handled the way our marriage has fallen apart.
I'm encouraged by your words, even if you still have some doubts. Seems to me that you're in a good place, comfortable with yourself and what you've done to try to make things work. And I doubt that we can ask much more of ourselves.
I'll pray that both of us have a 2007 that sees us moving further along the path that God has laid out for us. Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
2006 will probably go down as the worst year in many of our lives. Take solace in the fact that you have done everything in your power to make things work. Although the outcome was not what you initially wanted, you have done an excellent job, and have inspired me and many others on this board. Keep your head up and best wishes for a great '07.
DBDBD
Me - 32 Married - 5+ years, dated 6 years before marriage Bomb - 6/26/06 Seperated - 7/13/06 Divrce Final 1/31/07
