It is actually my cousin with whom I am close. She confided in me last night and I am not sure if I said the right thing. She has met someone at work and now has decided that she is not in love anymore. I doubt she ever loved her H--they got married when she discovered she was pregnant.
In a nutshell, here's what I said to her: Every M is difficult and goes thru periods where one or both of the parties isn't sure they are still in love. Quit your job. Life would NOT be greener with OM; it would be a fudged up mess of swapping kids and downsizing from your 4000 sq ft house with acreage and a pool to an apartment. In the meantime, OM would be long gone (he is 35 and a swingin bachelor who has a history of failed engagements and she can't figure out WHY, cause he's so great--great big groan). Quit your job. Spend more time with H, alone. Find things that you both enjoy doing and do them. Quit your job. Have sex with him. (she admitted that this--more than anything else--softened her heart towards him) <however NOP I did not ask if she was having sex with OM and so maybe that advice was not that hot, eh> Make a decision to be happy with what you have. She said she's always looking for the next Thing that will make her happy and I said, You realize that's a choice, right? She replied, Yes I guess you are right. And, finally, quit your job.
Ai yi yi.
I love her but I don't know what to say. Obviously I can't be my usual self and lay it all out there or she will fling herself in this jackass's arms. I'm trying to walk the line and be careful to talk sense while not condemning.
I had been watching her children for her while she went to work since June. In late October I quit and told her to find someone else. I suspected she was carrying on with a co-worker and I will NOT play any part in that whatsoever. I did not tell her why I was quitting, only that I was doing it for the benefit of my own family life. Which means, of course, that it was making me sick to watch her doll herself up to go to "work" while I was doing the grunt work of raising her kids. Screw that.
Anyway, if you have any good things to say to her, let me know. She was shocked as could be to find that H and I had ever had problems. I told her *everybody* does. Marriage is freakin hard, whether you choose your spouse or not. This seemed to relieve her.
Now, for a mini-update: H and I are really doing well. I'm changing...letting him in more than I have for years. I even initiated sex for the first time in over a year--he was shocked and so was I. It's not perfect but it's better than it's been in a loooong time. I have a longing for him that transcends the physical and I can't remember the last time I felt that. It's a body and soul longing. I am still a little standoffish and he straight up asked me about that, which shocked me. So I'm working on my stuff. I would assume he is too. All in all, I feel so good about where we are at and the good things to come.
Hi HP... It sounds like your cousin is confused enough to reach out to that voice of reason, Honeypot . You are missed here on the BB...when I'm befuddled by my own perspective I think to myself, " How would HP look at things?" ( My H appreciates you even though he has no clue who you are).
Your cousin is looking to you for guidance and you can be a light for her. You might want to tell her that you've suspected...it may surprise her to see that others are aware. Suggest counseling. Ultimately I have found in life people do what they want to do; she gets points for reaching out to you.
I am happy that things are going well between you and H. Hope the little ones are well! xo, IHJ
Eewwwwwww - what an icky spot to be in with a friend. I have been a little surprised by the number of women I have known who have had or are having affairs. I really was giving women a lot more credit than they deserved. In fact, I suspect that the lower reporting rate of infidelity in women actually represents a higher rate of lying about it. I hope you can help her. I hope she starts by quitting that job. I hope she gets some help for herself. I think you gave her some helpful advice. Of course, you know that not second M's tend to be spectactularly less successful than first ones (higher incidence of divorce). Of course you know that the likelihood of any good coming from this for this woman or her family is, well, none. I just hope she listens to you.
Glad the Pot family is well. I am officially halfway through this pregnancy. This little boy is busy moving around all day long. Everything looks good but I need more rest - I already have soooo many braxton hicks it is ridiculous. I seem to have more each pregnancy.
Eewwwwwww - what an icky spot to be in with a friend. I have been a little surprised by the number of women I have known who have had or are having affairs. I really was giving women a lot more credit than they deserved. In fact, I suspect that the lower reporting rate of infidelity in women actually represents a higher rate of lying about it. I hope you can help her. I hope she starts by quitting that job. I hope she gets some help for herself. I think you gave her some helpful advice. Of course, you know that not second M's tend to be spectactularly less successful than first ones (higher incidence of divorce). Of course you know that the likelihood of any good coming from this for this woman or her family is, well, none. I just hope she listens to you.
Glad the Pot family is well. I am officially halfway through this pregnancy. This little boy is busy moving around all day long. Everything looks good but I need more rest - I already have soooo many braxton hicks it is ridiculous. I seem to have more each pregnancy.
Karen, Glad to hear the pregnancy is going so well! How exciting to be having another baby.
Things have been uneventful with CP (CheaterPants). She called yesterday with some fluff message and I knew instantly that she was feeling me out..trying to see if I had written her off. I haven't responded to the message yet.
MrH, however, is sweating bullets suddenly--worrying that I'm going to do the same. Every day he is scrutinizing me, asking me if I'm happy, etc. He is really driving me crazy. I should have known not to tell him (he is an enneagram 6 and FEAR dominates his life) but I was 2 hours late due to her confiding in me and I felt that I owed him some kind of explanation, kwim?
At any rate, I will probably distance myself from her a bit--I can't help it, I find what she is doing to be so awful. Her husband is not without blame but why she thinks this is the route to go is beyond me.
Hope your Advent is going well. I worry about your H and hope that he gets stronger every year during this season.
I think it is wise to distance yourself a bit. You can still be friendly with you and all but losing friends is one of the consequences of that kind of behavior.
I understand a little about how Mr. HP feels. A lady at work who is a very serious Christian, pretty evangelical and seems to be a good Mom and wife just told me about her husband leaving her in August for a woman that he met by accident on a trip. So, with no history with this person, no further adieu he just decided that this was his destiny. He has no interest in working it out or even seeing if that is possible. She is remarkable philosophical about it since, it seems, there is nothing she can do. It just underscores my general view that people are capable of all sorts of things, no one should be underestimated and anyone's "happy" partner could at any moment decide they are now, "unhappy." I am not operating out of fear so much as the deep conviction that humans have a lot of failings and this kind of thing is one of them.
I am starting to look forward to this baby (Joseph). I probably won't do anything about actually getting ready for him until around February but feeling him move and seeing his u/s and all starts making me all nostalgic for when DS14 was a baby and toddler. Girls and boys are so different as little ones and I have enjoyed every minute of each.
Well, I'm sure you already know this, but if not, I am a prime example. When in these situations, the person can be acutely aware that they are fcuking up their life, but they will continue to do so until the fcuking up wounds them in some irreparable (or nearly so) way. Until something smacks them in the face so hard it is impossible to ignore or rationalize, they will continue. I'm afraid your cousin is just going to have to learn this the hard way. I will hope for the best for her and her family nonetheless, but I expect if you do remain a confidant to her, sometime in the near future the tune will change to a minor key.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Hi HP, I stopped in to see what was happening around here. It has been quite a while... W & I are doing very well. I will try to talk her into sharing her five cents worth here. She could possibly offer some insight to the WAW that may clear the fog a bit. W says she will never forgive herself for her "stupid mistakes". I have forgiven her, and hope that she will take this opportunity to forgive herself by sharing here. Take care, everyone!!!!
. You are missed here on the BB...when I'm befuddled by my own perspective I think to myself, " How would HP look at things?" ( My H appreciates you even though he has no clue who you are).