There are probably many on here that will not agree with my decision not to "stand" anymore. I have been struggling with this decision for the last 7 months. I will have been physically separated from my W one year this Dec 25th. We have been emotionally unattached for much longer (16/17 months). All during this time, we have remained civil to each other. We are both in tune to our kids S6 & S13 and have taken special care in softening the transition for them. Although her choice to leave me for a convicted murderer is both baffling and disappointing, I can't fault her as a Mother. She is a very good Mother to our boys. If your familiar with my situation, you know my W is/has been involved in a EA for over a year at the least, but it could have been carrying on much longer. I will probably never really know how long it's been going on. She is involved with OM who is currently in prison for 2 ND degree murder. She was engaged to be married to him 15 years ago. He shot and killed a Man in a heated argument outside of a bar. That ended their engagement and future plans. Five years later, my W and I started dating and married two years later. We knew each other in high school and were very close friends, but never lovers. I was her first serious relationship in that 5 year time span since her fiance was imprisoned. She swore to me she was over him. We are currently in the process of trying to sell our house. It's been on the market since August. We are planning a final dissolution after the house sells. All other assets have already been divided between us and our finances are totally independent of one another.
I do believe my W is in a MLC, she displays all the characteristics of it. She will turn 44 years old this month. However, I do not believe MLC is only the reason for her reunion with OM. I have come to the realization that She is still in love with this OM and could have been pining for him the whole time we were married. She says she still has "feelings" for me and I do believe her when she says that, but I can't live in this OM's shadow wondering what's going to happen at his next parole hearing. I think she understands my feelings in this regard and accepts it. I told her after I found out about the affair that I won't come second to any man when it comes to my W. She told me that OM said the same thing to her. I think she is now in a very confused state of mind since om was recently turned down for parole. His next hearing isn't until 11/07. I do believe she does struggles sometimes with her decision to leave me, but she can't shake her feelings for this OM.
We have very little contact anymore these days. Mostly just contact for sake of the kids or to discuss financial matters. Occasionally, She's interested in what I'm doing and asks me, but she knows she'll get very little detail and she doesn't push it. Sometimes, I can see the sadness on her face when I'm leaving after picking up or dropping off the boys. I know she considers our past and does reflect on it. I can see the conflict going on inside of her with that look or glance she gives me. I have never pressured her to make a choice between the two of us and I don't bad mouth the OM. She knows and accepts the fact that I am not the kind of Man who is going to put life "on hold" for any significant length of time. I'm the type of individual who has always challenged the status quo and embraces change if even for the sake of change. This doesn't make me an impatient person however, I think I've been more than understanding and patient with her over the past year and a half.
For the past few months I have been dating ow with absolutely no guilt on my mind. I have enjoyed their company. I no longer intimately think of my W and the thought of her never surfaces when I'm out with ow. I'm not sure I still love her anymore. I am totally engaged and interested in ow when I'm out with them. It has been at least 17 months since I have been sexually/emotionally intimate with my W. My number 1 emotional need is and always has been intimacy. I can no longer deny myself that need. I have decided to give up on any chance of reconciliation and to pursue what makes ME happy in life.
Does this make me selfish? Am I having my own MLC now? Am I giving up to soon? I can't stand this idleness in my life any longer. I know I will need this site even as I move on because there are so many on here that understand and can relate. It helps me to make sense out of what I have been through. Any thoughts or opinions on this topic would be greatly appreciated.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
I know it took a long time for you to get to this point. you've hit your limit.
I have a very good friend who I grew up with, he is my age. He is dying from cancer. he probably has a month left. watching him die has really changed how I view most things. one being, we really have very little time here on earth and that makinnng EVERYDAY count isnt just a slogan on a t-shirt.
you did the honorable thing for as long as you could take it. now it's time to make each day count. who knows what the future holds? I just know we don't get this day back.
I've never posted to you in the past, but always kept up your posts b/c it has been unusual, to say the least.
I, also, came into my own limit as well, only you know when you can't continue any longer. If this is what you need to do, for you, and your own peace of mind...I understand you completely...life is too short.
You are your own judge and jury, well meaning people have given alot of input...but again, you know your limits.
I wish you the very, very, best for the future...in my own sitch, I too, said enough was enough...you can still love her and probably will, in some way, but the best is yet to come for you...it will. I really respect your decision.
Well said, 1210. I respect anyone who makes a decision based on sound reasoning versus blind emotion. When enough is enough, pull the plug. It is not up to us to judge another when he says he's had enough. That's completely his decision. I hope this choice brings peace and joy back into your life. All the best.
But for the murderer dimension, I relate to the idea of moving on and getting other needs met. I met OM last night and had a great evening and was GLAD to be there...did not miss H at all. Too much pain for too many months, about a year of DBing and 18 months of feeling like crap, so about the same time line as you. H calls and acts as if things are coming together if I join him and if I don't....well, we just don't go there. IN the meantime, too bad about whatever passion/intimacy/physical needs I might have 'cuz he is pursuing his dream blah blah blah.
BUT, the thing is, even though I GET what you are saying, your W has a couple screws loose and I wonder about the whole "in sickness and in health" vow. She may not love you the way she should/did, but she is NOT well if she is thinking of a future with a man who mIght not have one....hello?? She has romanticized their R into some sort of Romeo and Juliet story with society keeping them apart due to a small mistake on his part and if only THEY knew him the way SHE knows him, blah blah blah. I worry that if they do somehow get together, she'll be a domestic violence case down the road. I would not dream of letting my kids near him, btw....I have serious reservations about that, and him sharing her willingly with YOUR sons, "other men" etc. Guys like that are not known for being good step dads....what a gross position to be in. Don't know where that leaves you since I haven't read all your sitch. And here I am saying on one hand, your w needs help and you should wait for her to get it or help her get it, but on the other hand I'm shaking my head thinking of how fast you and your sons can escape...
I think your analysis is right on about MLC plus her fantasy life about om. BUT don't second guess your whole M. There was REAL love and there was commitment and you are both parents of two boys she loves, and you love. She knows you are a good man. Don't erase your M history b/c she is in some crisis OR has had old feelings rekindled...At least Part of the appeal of Om is a result of her MLC imho. I know I thought a LOT about an old boyfriend when H was first acting like an idiot and I went back to a HS reunion, and saw old bF. We danced and talked as if we had just gone to the prom, I don't know how but me and some friends had sort of "time warp" events where we all forgot for one evening, that 20 years had passed. Fantasized for months about a reconciliation or affair with old bf after I imagined leaving H, except I didn't do that since I woke up. But even at the time I knew I was just playing, if you know what I mean. Your wife is not capable just now of knowing what is real and what is "What if"ing about her life. sorry you are here, but glad OM is still in jail and I wonder why they denied him parole...I'm a L and used to do some criminal law long ago. It doesn't bode well that he didn't get paroled if his original sentence is close to being up...God help her and your sons, and you. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Quote: I'm a L and used to do some criminal law long ago. It doesn't bode well that he didn't get paroled if his original sentence is close to being up...God help her and your sons, and you. j-
I'm not sure how long they really intend on keeping somebody in jail when they give him 15 years to life. From what I understand, 15 years is the minimum sentence and life is the max. His 15 years were up and they denied him on his 1st parole hearing. His next one is 11/07 so I guess I have to deal with this on a yearly basis now. It just doesn't seem like a very long sentence (15yrs) to serve for killing somebody in my opinion. It wasn't premeditated, but still seems like a short duration for Murder in the 2nd degree.
Anyway, I have an update on my situation. I lost it today and really gave my W a tongue lashing. I'm use to hearing how bad a husband I've been the last 8 years in order for her to justify this EA. She is just playing this "what could have been" drama for all it's worth. She had the nerve to tell me I'm being irrational about this whole thing. She's having an EA with a convicted murderer and I'm the one who's being irrational? HELLO! Today, I just couldn't take it. I lashed out and really let her know how I feel about this guy and her relationship to him. I told her I was sick of her lies and sick of her putting me down. I called her a few choice words that I would have never said in the past.
I lost control of my temper and it's really not like me to do that. She's having a really negative impact on me. Regardless of our situation, I'm going to have to deal with her because of the kids. How do I recover and regain my composure? I'm just tired of dealing with this whole situation. I can't even face her anymore without some animosity in my hart and I don't like that feeling at all. It's been going on for such a long time. No matter how much I've detached, she still knows what buttons to push and seems to delight in pushing them. Why do they feel the need to constantly put you down and make you feel worthless? I gave her what she wanted, why do I continually have to suffer? Why won't she leave me alone?
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
A, Sometimes just letting loose is actually a good thing. If you are someone who normally does not do that then it could be seen as a 180 and maybe have some impact. If not, you feel like you said what needed to be said. Either way, you come out ahead. I mean how much can it hurt things?
You know, I'm very calm and strangely serene today. I guess I've been holding some sour emotions in for to long that needed to be released. I know it's made an impact on her because I've had 2 VM from her trying to smooth things over. For the first time during this whole ordeal, I've actually noticed a bit of sincere remorse in her voice. Not for what she did/is doing, but for how she made me feel without acknowledging it to this point. I think she's afraid she will miss me in some capacity (not sure what) and she doesn't want to burn bridges. I think my anger really caught her by surprise. Not even in the beginning did I let on to my true feelings about her EA and she knows I don't anger easily. My anger management consist of chopping wood, working out, running, or some other physical outlet. It's not like me to express it verbally.
Yes, it is a 180 for me to loose my temper and express those type of emotions. I really have no more to say to her and feel all I had to say has been said.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
My W calls me at work this morning and tells me she is a little depressed. I ask her why and she tells me she went to a party last night and everyone was with their significant other. She said she felt lonely and said it made her think of me and our situation. I validated her feelings and I told her to cheer up, that no matter what our situation was, we would both be OK.
In a bizarre twist, I steered our conversation away from R talk and started joking around with her. I kept it light and told her how I was impressed with the work she put into the Christmas decorations on the house. Told her that no matter what part of the city I'm in, I could look towards our neighborhood and see the brilliant light illuminating the night sky above our house and that I was probably the best friend the Electric company could ever ask for. She laughed a bit and said it was nice of me to notice the work she put into it. We talked awhile longer and I could hear in her voice that she was feeling better the longer we talked.
I didn't know how to respond to her wanting to open up the R talk. It's been so very long that it felt awkward to me. I was at a point where I didn't have any hope for us, then I get this surprising call from her this morning. I had an angry outburst a few days ago and have not talked with her since although she did leave me some VMs. I have not heard her sound so apologetic and so willing to open up emotionally to me in a very long time. This was a very strange 180 for her.
What does this all mean? What is she saying to me?
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
