Brue's new thread #9 (I think)

[brueniap]

I don't have the energy to look thru a million pages to try and find my last thread cuz it's been eons since I wrote on it.......I'll find it at some point and list it here so any can catch up on what's been going on.

I wasn't going to write yet because I have a million things to do right now but as I was reading thru a few threads this particular phrase caught my attention on Lissett's thread:

It's not what any of us wanted. But it is the hand we were dealt, unfortunately.

I ask that you all forgive me but I have some thots I want to get out. I will start by saying that last nite (rather, early this morning) I found myself praising and thanking my God for all that has happened to me in the past 9 1/2 months. This is a journey I wouldn't have wanted to miss. We had someone speak in church on Sunday who's wife is suffering from an agressive breast cancer. They are in their 70's and are very active in the church and college community with the students and campus crusade. One of the things he said was that he and his wife want to give all glory and credit to God and they do not want to waste a day, nor waste this cancer (a phrase they got from another pastor).

they do not want to "waste this cancer". How that struck me. Is that not what we all have been experiencing as well- a cancer of sorts - that we think we have no control over? We were dealt a lousy hand? Unfortunate?

No, not unfortunate because when I take away all the clouds and fog it is now just me standing there before my Lord and boy has He ever opened my eyes to ME. For this I am grateful because that is what is being worked on in my life - ME. I no longer worry about how H is being worked on. Don't you see my dear friends? That's not for us to do? We can't do a thing to change them - NOTHING. We can only change us - and there are so many things about us that need work too - it will take a lifetime.

First thing is to put some positive back in the bad situation so that you are able to live with it. If you are living with a nasty spouse I think my suggestion would be to move into another room in the house if you can not separate. Everyone needs a space that is safe and peaceful. This will help you to regroup. From there you just tune in to your inner self with your higher power (which for me is God, Jesus, Holy Spirit) and ask for guidance. If your head is filled with the ugliness that's been going on - it can not hear the peace inside. The only one able to stop the ugliness is me. There is no use arguing with my H over anything - we are not going to see the picture the same way - why continue in the drama. Let the drama be for the WAS to deal with. They will come out of it sooner without us adding to it. We simply have to make a life for us without them. To belabor the point over and over again for months on end will not get the desired result - and really the desired result is your own growth, is it not?

I read on BND's thread over in piecing a book she had been reading "The proper care and feeding of your husband" by Dr. Laura - or something like that. So I thot I'd look it up on Amazon just to see what it was about. While there I was lead to several other books as well and one in particular. This one is called "for women only" by shaunti feldhahn. OMG - talk about eye opening where men are concerned - I can't put it down. This was a survey done and given to hundred's of men and finding out what exactly they feel inside about things. My heart ached at all the misconceptions I have had over the years because I was misinterpreting what my H was thinking. Why? Because, simply put, I am a woman.......I don't think like a man - period.

This along with many other things along this road has led me to a zillion discoveries about myself and seeing how many ways I have added fuel to many fires - not only with my husband - but my sons etc...

The road that I am traveling is bringing healing - tho not as fast as I would like - but I know it has everything to do with me and my attitude. I am not changing because I want my husband back - but changing because it is what God wants from me and what I needed to do to carry on with whatever happens next in my life. The change, however, is causing wonderful things in my life and I am so blessed.

H is not home. We only talked about that possibility in our one major talk a few weeks ago. It'll be a major decision for H to take that step - I can not blame him for being guarded. He is afraid too! He doesn't want it to be what it was (that's very simplified).

However, as each week goes by - we do spend more time together. Truly dating yet also spending 2 to 4 nites out of the week together now - and fixing dinner together. He's doing little things like getting creamer for my coffee to have at his apt and setting it out for me when I'm there.......lots of those little things happening - lots. I can tell him I love him without fear - I just don't overdo. I can listen to him with different ears now without shaking my head. There's soooooooo much. All this leading up to this book - and this book really opened my eyes more than any of the others I've read.

What I think I would like to see us doing here is living a more fullfilled life by finding those positives that will keep us going. We can not always be focusing on all the horrible things or we will drown - and it's heartbreaking and so difficult to get up. We can not be immersed in all the bad things h's are saying about us and doing - we have to get away from them and let them be. Each time we argue with them even to make our point - justified as it may be - makes it worse. They do not hear it with the same words we're giving. We have to stop it and let them be.

My heart strings break for so many here because of the incredible hurt and sadness - but we, and only we, can stop our own hurt. We can't stop theirs - but we can move on from ours. With each other we can do this.

I love you all

brue

[Cynthia]

Wow!!

You are so right. I have been sitting here for months wondering what God had in store for me and what I was supposed to be doing. Stepping back and lookin I haven't really done a thing about me. Sure I have done a few things that I hadn't had the opportunity to do till now. I do what is needed to survive. I have thought that my personallity and the way I treat people was very good. So what. There is still room for improvement which I didn't think there was. I have morals and care about other people, but as of late, it has been all about me and my troubles. I have not looked after myself or changed my outlook in any way. I need to learn to look after myself in every sense of the word. From the basics on. There is a lot of personal changes I need to do.

Thank you, you have really opened my eyes. I have a lot to work on, one of the them being my reconnection in the true sense to God.

Thank you, thank you

Cynthia

[Lissett]

Boy, are you lucky you posted!

I was going to have to hunt you and the Captain down!

thanks for reading my thread as boring as it is!

Anyhoo, thank you mamma, for always knowing what i needed to hear.

I luv you lots and lots

[always_14]

YAY!!! Brue is back!

You sound terrific, as usual! I love reading your posts.

I agree with you....I would not take a minute of this back and I really mean it. This path is not what we expected or wanted in life, but IT WILL BE WHAT WE WANT TO MAKE OF IT!

I told H that I did not regret the days, even at my lowest....without them, I would not know how strong I am. I would not give that up for the world. I have so much more self-respect, dignity and honor for me....so much thanks for God and the wonderful people in my life. That is beautiful.

So, in the spirit of the season, I am thankful to have had a positive outlook ,as all of us here, on this whole thing.

I agree with the Dr. Laura book and just gender roles in general. But, I have to say that there were many times my H went out of his way to tell me that he did NOT buy into that, was not the type of guy who needed X, Y. Z. And now it turns out that was his biggest issue. WTF??!?!!! I think many men are a little ashamed to admit they need these things, believe this way. So, we are misled.

[brueniap]

Always, Cynthia, Lissett,

thanks for stopping by. I have to say - all the things I read I keep totally to myself. I have not shared one of them with H. And I make sure that none of it is around when he's here so that he mite stumble across it. I have certainly hidden all mlc books and the DB and DR books.

One nite I was reading thru the divorce remedy book a bit as I had not done so and I figured i should at least give it a look/see since i paid money i don't have for it. I was surprised to see that the very things i had been doing were in the book as if i wrote them. well........it occurred to me that if H read this - he mite very well think that the things I've changed in were me just reading some book and that it wasn't real. No way do I want him finding that stuff and think this is all an act.

but the "for women only" book? I think that's a different story. basically it is a book stating what men wish their wives knew and understood and also were surprised their wives didn't understand - much the same way we wives don't get it that they don't understand. It is an eyeopener and a great survey that I believe all of us as women should take the time to read. Of course no one will fit into a category %100 but it is amazing how many issues we've all talked about here are summed up differently when it's coming from a male perspective. I guess that's why i've always liked hearing what the males think on this board - they help open our eyes as well.

And LISSETT - of course I would be reading your thread. WTH!!! You know how I feel about you and your fam!


brue

[brandnewday]

((((hugs)))
Just a quick hello to you today.
I am taking a break from the painting and thought I would take a quick peek at the boards.
You sound wonderful!!!!

[brueniap]

BND -
I read your thread every day. It lifts my spirits high. I am so happy for all that is happening in your life which was chaos and hell. You are an example to what can be.

now i look forward to the day we can all see amazing things turn around for Laughing.

As for me, yes........I'm pretty happy. Life has been so interesting. Indeed, being hopeful about the relationship is nice - but he's not home yet and I'm guessing won't even think about that possibility til his lease is up which is not for several months. I believe he re-upped when the first 6 months had gone by. But more often he calls asking if he can come over and stay and I never refuse him and he knows how much i enjoy going to his place and staying with him. He's even introducing me to people as his wife now. He didn't do that before. It's those little things that make all the difference.

I get strength from you BND - thank you for all you put up with for your sake, your kids sake and our sakes!!! But I also see that it wasn't all him - you have done 180's in your own life and have discovered so much about you.

I like who I am turning out to be tho it has been so hard to look in the mirror and see me with honest eyes. Don't like facing that - but it has to be done.

thank you for your happy thots.

brue

[Was2sad]

brue

What a heart lifting post. Thank you!

I am not in the act of trying to get back together with anyone but myself, and I did get a great deal of encouragement from your words.

If his lease was up tomorrow and he came home, it would be too soon. Look at all you are learning about yourself in this time. As you said, let's don't waste this time. Keep reading. Continue to be still and listen to your inner voice. It is given to you by God to be a compass and a comfort, but we too often are too busy to listen.

If he says in six months that his lease is up and he is ready to come home, think very hard about asking if they have monthly rate extensions. What if you feel you need one more month to finish your journey? Or what if you think he needs one? Never rule anything out when you have so many positive things happening in your mind and in your heart.

While I have been "squatting" at my dad's it has been very clear in my heart, that I was not "home". I am moving back to my home next week, after 18 months of what some call limbo, "in the meantime", and just plain hell. I'll look back on it as a time I did not ask for and will Never repeat again. Without this time I would not have learned things about myself I know now. I know this did not kill me and won't. I know I will be ok no matter what comes my way. I know there are other people out there sharing their stories and their support. What a blessing it has been.

Yours has been one. Your reading has shown such enlightenment, and I want that. Now you need to get me the name of the other book "for broken down rotten old men only"!!!

Join me as we let go and let God. He will if we let Him.

(((hugs)))

[yellowrose]

You sound so good. I am very happy things are going well with you and that h has made a turn toward home. I am also glad that you are taking things slowly. God listens to our prayers and does things in his own time. Take care, you are in my prayers.

Y

[brueniap]

Was2 -

I love to hear from you - you're one of my fave's when you are on a "teacher" role - tho I love your "amusing" role as well. Interesting to have you say that about the possibility of prolonging his coming home. Because you say it - I will ponder it all in a new way. Never looked at it from that angle. And really - it has been rather nice just the way it is I have to say with our weekly "sleep overs". I guess I can deal with that a bit longer while I think about things. Here I was thinkin' that when he came home would be when he was ready - not thinking that there mite be a possibility that I mite not really be ready yet. Hmmmmmm!!! Food for thot.

by the way - same author or same family anyway - "for men only". Letting men understand what makes a woman tick. Mite not hurt to read up on it.

glad you're moving back home. You deserve your space Was. You've earned it. That's all part of the growth. And I suspect that one day not too far in the future - that space will be filled with lots of love just for you!!!

brue