hi This is my first post here. I've been lurking on the board for about a year, and finally mustered the courage to post something.
I've been divorced now for 5 yrs and still am not "over it" like everyone seems to think I should be. I know I sound really pathetic but my ex is still the love of my life and even though I have tried, I can't get passed the fact that he is my number 1 choice and anyone else will be second.
My ex and I were married for 22 years, had 2 children and he had an affair with ow and divorced me. He and ow got married last year. I tried everything to save my marriage, went to counseling with him but nothing worked. A year after my divorce, I met a wonderful guy, we dated and even lived together for two years. We broke up a year ago. The truth is that as wonderful as he was, my heart just wasn't in it like it should have been and it just wasn't fair to him. He deserved better than someone that could not give 100%.
So here I am back to square 1.
The truth is that I still want my ex back. I think I screwed up by getting involved with someone after my divorce and not standing like so many do. I was so hurt and rejected that when this guy came along, I fell hard. In the end, I realized that what I really wanted was my husband back and that this poor guy could never be him.
My ex and I are Catholic. No one ever filed for an annulment, and we both have talked about the fact that we believe that we had the sacrament so do so is pointless. Techinically in the eyes of my church we are still married. His current civil marriage with ow may be legal but it is invalid.
They say that second marriages that start off as affairs have a high faliure rate. That is my hope.
Anyway that's my situation. My contact with him is minimal at best. Our children are grown, and when I see him its at a family function at one of their houses. The holidays are coming and I may see him then. Where do I go from here?
Are there interests/activities you could be involved in that do not involve a partner? Since you are at Square 1 again can you change squares?
Are there Vol opportunities in the area? My X Inlaws were involved a unwed mother's mission. I believe they received more than they gave in ways one could not imagine.
Since you are Catholic maybe there is some opportunities with Catholic Social Services.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Sorry you find yourself in this situation, but like your friends, my advice is also to let go. For one, he's already married. To suggest doing anything would be like giving the OW advice on how to break up a marriage.
So, somehow getting him back would be a cure for what ails you? Let's say that you woke up tomorrow and he was standing at your doorstep begging to have you back. Would the problems that ruined the first marriage be gone? Would you trust him? I just think you really need to consider that things won't just be magical. Take him down from the pedestal. Your life is passing you by while he lives his in the way he chose. I'm really sorry for you, but there also comes a time where we each have to accept that it's over.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I guess I don't belong here after all. I've waited to respond because I was hoping someone could understand how I feel. After several weeks, I see that no one does. All I get is the "move-on" statement, and feelings that I'm now an OW. Great.
I totally disagree with this statement "To suggest doing anything would be like giving the OW advice on how to break up a marriage. "
That is NOT a marriage, because in the eyes of my church, my husband and I are still married to each other! Many years ago, my husband made a vow, "till death due us part", he broke that vow, not me. I am and always will until the day one of dies the LEGITIMATE wife in the eyes of GOD and she will always be the wh*re, the homewrecker and the OW. I can never be the OW where it concerns him. That piece of paper may be legal, as is my divorce, but it is NOT legitmate in the eyes of God and as a Catholic will never be.
I know we had problems and no I don't believe that they will magically disappear. I am truelly, the last person left on this earth that believes in the vows that we took mean something.
I'm sorry that people here see me as the OW now. That being the case, I see that this is the wrong place for me.
I do understand what you are saying although my D is not final yet, it will be in a couple of weeks. I am not ready to give either. I just read a post by David A entitled something about the big picture. His wife had married the OM and is leaving him and coming home because she has come out of her MLC.
I don't think that the people posting here were trying to put you down. I think that they are trying to save you the pain of waiting for something that may never happen. It would be a shame for you to put your life on hold and not get anything from it.
I am not Catholic but I too, believe H and I are still married in the eyes of the Lord. Try not to take the advice personally. My suggestion would be to put on your best smile and show your XH just what he gave up. That is not pursuing him in any way.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
In no way do I see you as the OW now. Since she broke up your M, I would wish you luck in doing the same to her. However...
I think you would be a look better off to concentrate on other non-R things for a while. Maybe just hang out with friends, concentrate on your kids, work on a hobby...
Your Ex may be back in the future or he may not, but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it right now, but keep on good terms with him. Anything else you do would be counter-productive.
It probably would be easier on you to just "write off" the R. Then if Ex does come to his senses, it will come as a pleasant surprise. Easier said than done, I know.
Posters aren't unfeeling. we do understand. We've all been there. I DBed for a very long time before giving up!
Even though you all are still married in the eyes of the church, it's still a man-made canon law. What's important is that he's in a legal marriage, which he is.
Yes, it's easy to say "move on" because we've either been there, done that or we're going through it now. When I initially read your thread, I thought you all had been divorced 5 months. Then I re-read, and it's been 5 years !
Are you staying busy? Do you have other girlfriends to socialize with?
alamogirl
Me - 48 (at time of 1st bomb) H - 43 married - 16 Jul 94 no children 1st bomb - (said he was leaving) - 3 Jun 06 2nd bomb (said he was ready to file) - 10 Nov 06 H filed divorce - 17 Nov 06 Divorce finalized - 20 Jul 07
To answer your question, my ex has been married a year.
Thanks to all who have posted for your understanding and support.
I know that am preaching to the choir when I say that divorce sucks and rebuilding your life is not easy. In answer to some of your questions, I do have a life, and I do keep busy. It's not about that. It's about still loving him and still wanting him to be a part of my life. Do I sit around, mope and wait around? No way! I work, I do have girlfriends to go to the movies and shopping. Although it may not come across here, for the most part I am a positive person. If you were to ask people I work with and my friends, I am one of those that indeed has "moved on". I learned long ago, that after awhile, people just don't want to hear how I really feel. So I've come here I guess to vent, and to get out what I can't say.
As I think more about it, I know it's the holidays that I especially dread. It's the in your face contact with the OW at family gatherings that unfortunately will be there as long as that piece of paper so called marriage exists. The truth is that I still love him and always will. He is the love of my life. It hurts to see him, not better off, but worse off with her. He has aged, looks stressed, gained even more weight, started smoking again, and with the way and what he eats, I can only imagine what his cholesterol and heart numbers look like. I know that all this is his choice, and something I have no control over. It is a blessing that at least I don't have to see him slowly destroying himself on a daily basis. It's almost like out of sight out of mind, if you know what I mean. I go through my daily life without him in it, I hate to put it this way, but almost as if he were dead. It's dealing with the reality, that he is not, and he is with her, when he should be with me, because we made a life-time commitment to each other in the good times and bad.
I guess what still bothers me is how disposible marriage is, even among those who advocate it. Move on, somehow always equals forgeting the vows, and forgetting the man. Perhaps its the way of self-perservation of those that are to survive this thing called divorce. All I can say is that I tried that, been there and it just didn't work for me.
I don't know what I expect people here to say. Nothing really. It's more a way to vent, to get my feelings out. I know that divorcebusting is about finding solutions. I don't know what the solution is for a broken heart, or if it can ever be mended. Maybe this isn't the place to say this, but maybe there just isn't a solution.
NDY Hey, how ironic. I went to post, but my login had expired so I had to re-login and in that time YOU posted. I read your thread during the night at work and was struck by a lot of what you said. I too can relate to your feelings of "not done yet" and still thinking that things could be reconciled. And while XW hasn't remarried I wouldn't be surprised if she does w/in a year. Hell the D has only been final 6 months and she's gone through one BF and has just moved into the "basement apt" of the latest BF (they mey in July!) I keep telling myself that she needs to have this experience and for it to blow up in her face like OM did last year. That maybe then she will realize this isn't about ME, but about HER issues.
Quote: I guess what still bothers me is how disposible marriage is, even among those who advocate it.
I too have a problem w/ this. Esp. since XW is devout Catholic. She claims she has a "biblical right" to divorce because of my A in 1989! Never mind the fact she told me repeatedly she forgave me. Never mind she got involved w/ OM; her take is once she told me the marriage was over, all bets were off, she was free to date. WTF!???? And D15 buys into this crap! I especially have a problem w/ all the people who stood by (the CATHOLIC CHURCH CHOIR!) and did/said nothing, or very little. NOBODY to my knowledge said HEY, THIS IS WRONG! They all just kinda pretended it wasn't happening.
I do feel that you need to completely move on. I am trying to do so b/c then IF the opportunity ever presents itself for XW and I to rekindle our attraction to each other... it won't be w/ one of us stuck in the past. It will be b/c we find each other attractive THEN, in the here and now so to speak. I know in my heart and soul that as difficult as it would be to put things back together... THAT IS what God wants, HE WOULD help us, and we WOULD make it. I KNOW this. Which is pretty weird as XW was the "churchgoer" not me. I was just kinda quietly faithful. She wants nothing to do w/ a reconciliation. Actually the day after the bomb I hacked an email from her to OM basically saying that HE was GOD'S answer to her prayers! WTF is this? God wants you to leave your marriage for a guy in the choir? I DON'T THINK SO!!! Read my HELLBENT thread for the full story! It's a doosie, but then there are a lot of strange stories here!
Have you gotten ANY indication from your XH that he would EVER feel for you again? Any indication of regret for marrying OW? What are your ages? How do the kids feel about things/him?
Quote: Have you gotten ANY indication from your XH that he would EVER feel for you again? Any indication of regret for marrying OW? What are your ages? How do the kids feel about things/him?
Both of my kids are in their 20's and married with homes of their own. No grandkids. They have settled into the status quo. For their sake, I have set my feelings aside, and do not have them pick between us, by making it seem like it's not a big deal to have both their parents present at the same time. It's all very civilized, and got it's start when we had to plan for their college graduations and weddings. Life goes on, and while there is a "legal" divorce, we are at least always bound by our children. He may have been a lousy husband, but always a good father, in doing what is right by them. It's not the easiest thing to do for me, but from all I've read about divorce and kids parents working together is what is best for them. I think they take it as a sign that both mom and dad have "moved on" My kids have a relationship with both of us, individually and together. And unfortunately have a relationship with the OW. That is kind of a "don't ask don't tell" I don't ask and they don't tell me, and I guess that's the best for all of us.
As for your question of getting indications from him, well there are small ones. We can laugh and reminse together at parties (when the OW is either not there or if she's at the party some place else) and now and again I see that old twinkle in his eye. I know this much, he is not the same with me, when she is next to him. So if there is hope for us, who knows. I'm banking on the high failure rate of second marriages that start as affairs and hoping to be around to pick up the pieces when it does break up. And I'll admit at the risk of being called the OW by some here, that if I have an opportunity to help that along, I'll take it. (BTW calling me an OW when it comes to him is an oxymoron, since I can never be the OW under God's eyes because I am still the wife until death do us part, and SHE is the one that is and always will be the OW. God's law supercedes man's rules in my book)
Don't get me wrong, there has to be changes in our relationship. I don't want the "old marriage" back. I understand very well, my role in the demise and as much as I want him back, I am no longer the doormat I once was. I realize by the way OW is with him, that by being a doormat for years, I did myself and our marriage no favors. As a person, I'm alot stronger and no longer tolerate the behaviors from others that I once did. In rebuilding our marriage, it will be up to him to pursue me, that much I've learned.
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