Hi guys...I have been away awhile, just living life I guess, and things have been pretty calm in the Journey household. We have settled into a comfortable pattern but I have had to accept some things, and I see I still need a place where I can vent, get support, etc. I really admire the oldies here who keep working on things...I see a lot of newcomers, too, and hope for the best for them. This relationship stuff really is a long strange trip!
H and I are having a regular sex life...yay! It's really on his agenda and I don't feel ignored, condemned, rejected, etc. I do get the feeling he wants us to work. We are approaching anniversary # 20 soon...yikes! There are times I feel closer to H than I have ever been, but then there are the awkward, scared moments as well. Very confusing.
There are two areas I am struggling to accept. The first is that in order for our sex life to work, H has to be the initiator. This is fine with me most of the time...I am fortunate that my body turns on when he makes the move, but there are moments I wish it could work in reverse. He has been controlling the frequency and timing, and it's been very steady and fulfilling, but it would be nice on occasion to feel the power of seduction or to have things happen on my timetable. So I am venting.
The other vent is that my H is just hypersensitive. If I am critical in some way or if he interprets me as being "aloof" ( sometimes I am just tired or distracted or worried about something) he gets turned off so easily. He has to feel like there are good vibes in the air in order to feel sexual. After 20 yrs I wish he could overlook some stuff, but he has a hard time performing when the emotional atmosphere isn't satisfactory to him. I then have to be patient and wait it out, let him get aroused slowly, but I find I have little patience. I want to scream, " Get over it already!" The interaction has this unsexy feel to it as I wait for him to come around.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I know H and I have come a long way, with the main thing being he is on board with me, but there is still work to be done. I don't think much will change at this point, so the work for me is now patience and acceptance.
Feeling a little frustrated this am. I actually have some spontaneous sexual desire, but I know it's really up to my H if he will initiate tonite. This is issue #1...being able to have sex on my timetable, just a bit. I have decided I am going to speak up and tell him I want him tonite...hoe it won't make him feel too pressured. It's nice to have the tingles back, and not just wait for my H to show desire and then feel.
ok, I called him up and expressed my desire for him in what I think was a sweet, non-overwhelming way. It actually made me feel good to do this, to let a little of myself out. Now I will drop it and see what happens. Hopefully I won't feel too rejected if he doesn't initiate tonite.
I don't know you or your sitch. I'm glad things have improved for you. Once a long time ago, some guy told me to touch myself in H presence to help arouse my H. I never did that for he was too "straight laced".
Ya think it might work?
On the other hand, about 5 years ago I got H to lay with me and we were kissing and embracing. It did feel good and I thought he might need a bit of a push. I started to slither and act "wanting". He got up and left. Our life went into complete shut down and I atribute my "in your face style" of the moment as giving too much pressure.
for what that's worth...ask him?
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Lost Gal, Thank you for the suggestions. It was helpful for me to come back here and pinpoint the troubled areas of my psyche. It felt good to express my desire to my H...I really needed to do that for myself, to connect to my sexuality on my timetable. I am also glad I had the sense to think of my H as well, to not overwhelm him, and to let him take charge. We ended up having a nice weekend. I am trying to find the right balance of self assertiveness and self control. I am trying to find a balance of my needs with his needs. I am trying,lol.
Hi lady! My suggestion is to pinpoint when you are most attractive to H and then tap into that aspect of your personality and let er rip.
This is what I do...I call it "honey initiates but lets H think he is" lol. I smile a lot and hug him and laugh and basically put him at ease. Then he wants to take it to the next level and I go along with it.
Nope, it is not the romance novel type seduction where he wants me and surprises me with the strength of his desire. J, I honestly don't know if I will ever have that experience again. Doubtful. This used to depress me but I think I can have something similar-but-different. That type of interaction is so dependent on newness and so forth, which we obviously don't have any more. But I can tease him (in a lighthearted type of way) and get him completely revved up for me, so I take that and use it to my advantage. By that, I simply mean that I no longer jump at his lame attempts at initiation as if they were manna from heaven. Unless he can come up with some sort of demonstrable desire, we don't do it. So then the tension goes on for a few more days until he really DOES want it, and bad. I used to be resentful of having to wait but now, for some reason, it doesn't make me mad. I guess--just like your title--I have accepted that I can either have frequency or real desire, but not necessarily both from him, every time.
Dammit.
Take care and keep writing. You are working out your own problems even as you type. hee hee.
Hiya HP... I am so glad you checked in here! Guess I am having a case of the " Iwants"...I want to feel my tingles, I want more control, I want H to desire me even when I'm not lovey-dovey, IwantIwantIwant!!!
I know I have to acceptacceptaccept...H is trying, and I can use the knowledge gained here to my advantage...but am I really going to get what I have hoped for? Nooooooooo.
So that's why I'm back, Sis...some venting, some reality checking, some advice, but most of all, the support I get from all you wonderful people here. I feel better already.
update...I have been keeping a sweet and loving feeling going, which yesterday yielded some tender moments with H ( he covered me with a throw blanket while we were watching tv and gave me a gentle kiss)...later there was more affection but no S-E-X. I was disappointed but then reminded myself that I am behaving this way not just to get results but because it feels like the right thing to do.
Tonite had the feel of another snuggle night, yet I was feeling pretty tingly. So I softly asked H if tonite was an amorous nite, and he said yeah, it has the makings of an amorous nite, and we had some yummy loving. Glad I spoke up (note to self: a soft approach is best).
I know I can get tripped up by my desire for a wilder, more passionate sex life, but I am going to try to stay on the stable plan.
