Hi I am new here. I just found this site yesterday and decided to take the great american sex challenge. I started last night and gave my husband the best evening we have had together since we were dating. I also planned all day for a romantic evening (got a sitter, made a special dinner, bought new makeup, shaved areas that havent seen are razor in a long time, put on his favorite scented lotion, pulled out his favorite lingerie and sent him sexy text messages all day while he was at work). He calls me on his way home to inform me that he will be coming home for dinner but then working through the night until about 8 in the morning. I am trying to stay focused on what a wonderful thing this would be for our marriage and how much healing could take place(H had affair a little over a year ago) but it is hard when he never even considered me in the equation. So here I sit on this board getting ready to put my kids in bed and spend an evening smelling lovely alone. Any advice on how to stick with this and try and force myself to be in the mood for him even though he is not being considerate of me.
Welcome, sorry you have to be here. I suggest posting more information on the history of your relationship, and what your sex life is normally like. Also be aware that this is a bad time to post, if you want plenty of responses. People post from work and the board is pretty much dead over the weekend. You'll get lots of good advice next week....
We have been married for 3 years and have a D 4 and I have a step-daughter 8. We are both fulltime students (me masters, he bachelors) and we both work. Our sex life has been very off and on since I became pregnant with our D(my mother died a few days after we found out, which did not help)Since then there have been really good times and then times when sex has felt like such an obligation to me it has held no pleasure for me. It seems like a pretty common story, he would hassell me and I would give in and then after the affair the dynamic has changed. He no longer harasses me and I still have to force myself because it is just not a priority for me. Thats what I am trying to change. I hope that is what you were looking for.
Have you tried sending sexy emails or text msgs to him during the day so he knows you are in teh mood?
Yes, you went all out to plan a great evening of "fun" but you left him out of the equation. You didn't let him know you wanted sex. Since he didn't know, he expected the same thing- none, and decided to work.
Had you given little hints he may have had a different decision to make- like help the friend first, you put the kdis to bed then come home a bit later for a romantic dinner just the 2 of you and then sex.
I've learned a lot about unspoken expectations in the past year. We all have them. It's how we choose to react to them that counts.
Send messages like- how about a massage later, I'm not wearing any panties, or shower for 2?, or SF?, or feelin sexy, if I'm asleep- wake me.....
you get the idea. Let him know you want sex. Plus you thinking about it all day, adds to your desire as well.
Thats actually what I was doing. I sent him 3 texts and tried to call several times. Come to find out he got the first but then his phone died. I still cant help but feel angry though that he would have made sure he was home for sex but that just being here when he said he would and spending time with the family was not enough to bring him home.
You are Definitely in a SSM. Your husband exhibits classic signs of being sex starved. Wen men are sex starved, it brings out all the negative traits that women dislike. If he is not sex starved, then most likely he would LOVE to spend time with you. The way to solve this is to have sex at HIS frequency, and to make sure that you make it OBVIOUS that you want it. It's ALL about desire. It's actually NOT about the sex, it is about your ability to SHOW him that YOU want sex FROM him. If you have sex FOR him, you will fail! I will warn you that men can EASILY see whn women are doing it for us rather then doing it for themselves, YOU CAN NOT FAKE SEXUAL DESIRE! And it is ALL about the desire, and that is something you must show 24/7.
Meet Cemar. Cemar, meet oncehappy. Cemar, she is an individual, her marriage is individual, your one size fits all formula is too simplistic. I'll bet she can tell you that there is a lot more to this whole deal than can be taken care of by your formula. Yes, Cemar the dearth of sex led to some issues in the relationship which probably (in part) led to oncehappy's H acting out.
Oncehappy, what led to the lack of sexual interest. How do you feel now? How do you feel about sex in general. You H in general? You marriage in general? There are a lot of reasons that things go awry and we all wish it were as simple to fix as the seduction scene you planned. Heck, we all wish it were as simple as Cemar's suggestion.
There are some wise people around here. I've learned a lot and I bet you will too.
Just joined the board today. LOL, I've read till my eyes are burning...
It's funny, but CeMar's statement and your retort are a pretty clear example of the difference between the workings of the M and F mind. As I read his advice, it was almost as if his post said what had come to my mind. Then yours, reminding (reprimanding?) us that oncehappy's situation will be more individualistic and "complicated".
Here's my point (actually a general observation)...
If a W wants advice here about her H, the better source to "get" accurate info on what's in the H's head will come from a man, YET, many W will have profound problems understanding (similar to the problem she has in understanding the H to begin with) that advice from a man here. And it works the same in reverse when a H wants advice about his W.
