Just stopping by to see if anything has changed. I used to post on divorcebusting, mostly in newcomers or midlife, but also in here. I learned alot from DB and the participants. You all got me through some real hard times, but now I find myself still searching.....answers? me? I don't know, just searching.
It all happened so fast. If you asked me this time last year what kind of marriage do you have....WONDERFUL! I have a great husband and 2 great kids and a great career. Pfft, alot I knew, I was blind. I know, I know, there are a lot of new names here and you don't know my story, sorry, I just feeling like journaling right now.
I was going through some of the threads and the talk about dating. I tried the jealous dating and almost got burned, thank the Lord, it didn't last. The more and more I think about it though, dating that is, I want to try but it is so hard to find men in the 30's who aren't married. Every man I come across has a wedding band on. So there is no point in that. I tried the personals also, but no luck there either. I won't try the bars. So, where do you try?
Oh Laaaa, sorry for the choppy note, I guess I am just down today.
I've tried the different sites and the joining thing. I am a member of the handbell choir at church, go to all kinds of meetings and am now starting a Divorce Care for kids in our church. I'm a happy, wonderful person, but still sad on the inside. How can a marriage of 12 years break up so quickly into.....this. We can't even talk to each other, both kids are in therapy, I have been in therapy and my 11 year old can't sleep in her own bed. Here it is 9 months later and I still hate him with a passion for what he has done. I could never, in my life, ever believe that I could absolutely despise the existence of a human being as much as I do my x. How on earth do you ever get over the Anger Stage? I believe I am still in it. How long does it last?
I don't think you are talking about anger, per se, as much as you are resentment, and that can burn hard and deep, and feel a whole lot LIKE anger.
Anger is a flash emotion designed to fuel a fight or flight response. When removed from the cause, it will fade quickly. A memory of anger, is resentment.
The only way to get over resentment is to forgive. Forgiveness, to me, is not in saying to the person, 'what you did to me was okay.' It is in saying, "I am no longer willing to be a vessle of anger in response to your actions.' For when you are a vessel of anger, the one who is perceived to have caused the anger still has control of you. YOU are the only one who suffers for your anger.
Resentment keeps you ensared in the past, and in suffering mode. Suffering, for all the pain it carries, at least gives definition to an otherwise undefined life.
When you are no longer willing to suffer, you can let go of resentment. When you let go of resentment, you will see that though three of the five cups you own have spilled, you still have two cups remaining. You are able to look at what you have to work with, instead of looking at what it is you have lost.
Can you make yourself get out of this resentment mode? I have tried to let by gones be by gones, but he sure doesn't help much. He will show up at pick up date with his girlfriend. I won't say anything to either of them, but gosh darn, it hurts! He has kept things from me that are mine and won't return them, including my birth certificate. And, he tells the girls things how he should have divorced me years ago and how awful a wife I was to the girls. He never told me. I must have been living in a dream world not to know that he was sooo unhappy. Where was I?
So how do you let go of the resentment? I have prayed over it and asked God to take it from me. Where do I go from here?
Quote: So how do you let go of the resentment? I have prayed over it and asked God to take it from me. Where do I go from here?
Hm. Just my experience, but I have found that the power of prayer is not in asking... it is in thanking. i.e., instead of 'God, please take this resentment from me'... say 'Thank you God for taking my resentment,' and picture Him or your angels actually carrying it away.
Sets a positive mind frame and expresses your faith all at the same time. When you ask for assistance, you are expressing your doubt that He might not help. See?
As for the xH coming with the gf... stay in the house. Have the girls go out to meet him. If that isn't an option... kill 'em with kindness. I'd speak to both of them... smile, wave... yes... it hurts. But they don't have to know that.
Smiling and waving and being nice eventually gets you over the hurt, too... I'd politely ask your xH to not speak about you or of you to the girls or within their hearing distance... if not for your sake, then for theirs. They love both of you, and it only puts them in the middle and hurts them. I'm sure you've done this. Nothing wrong with asking again. Don't speak negatively about him in your own home to your girls or within their hearing distance. If he doesn't stop... it is only going to hurt him in the long run.
Stuff is stuff. Let it go. If you don't want to let it go, continue to ask for it nicely... see if you can arrange a day and time to go by and get it. If he continues to deny you... go to civil court to recover.
You can get another birth certificate by contacting the health department in the county where you were born. It's a pain, yes. But you have options. USE them, don't give him power to deny.
Self-esteem is rebuilt gradually. I would HIGHLY recommend buying the book: Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts. You'll wish you had found it sooner.
Remember, forgiveness is not in saying "what you did to me is okay." Forgiveness is saying "I am no longer willing to be angry in response to your actions."
It is an action you take on your own. Read that book. I'm serious. Once you do... and you begin to focus on you and the beauty of what you still have... you just won't have TIME to be angry and resentful anymore. And oh girl, watch out when that happens.
