loosing hope and hurting

[attorneytom]

Dadof2.. Good Job !!!

[seporateddadof2]

It has been a rolercoaster week. The Ocoee trip was great. I came back and was suspended from work for something stupid I did. during the folowing weekend my W left OM and hid from him at my house. I spent the eve at a friends. She has been yo yo ing since saying she still wants to be independant and not date anyone. OM still hasnt moved out of their apt although I believe that they arnt together. W was mad at me for spending the night out wich sparked some productive R talks. We agree it is necessary to spend time apart and truely seporated. Mon I was fired for the stupid mystake. That nocked me down a bit but compaired to seporation it was a breeze. W and I have been getting along at a distance. I have resisted calling her unless absolutely necessary. spent wed thurs and fri with my girls after school. during the day I have been cleaning and being semi productive. staying buisy etc. I drop the girls off at 7 then I am forcing myself to go out. I dont feel good but I start my new job Mon and I dont know when my next day off will be. Over all not a bad week because I feel successful that I was able to be detached from my W during her sitch and think semi clearly when she ran to me for help. semi clearly because I have been really angry at her now that I dont have OM to blame. My GAL and PMA and other DB skills really helped me get through getting fired. I know I will be ok no matter what and I know I will be happy. I dont need that job to survive my world will be fine with out it.
So that was my rolercoaster week. I choose to see the blessings in it.

[attorneytom]

Hi Dadof2:

Yes it does sound like you have had a heck of a week and by the looks of it you have been doing a good job adjusting and rolling with the coaster. Keep that going and keep finding yourself within your sitch. Hang in there buddy !

Tom

[seporateddadof2]

I am working again for a company I have worked for before. My W and I havent talked much. She is still living with OM. I was invited to a baby shower of my W cousin. she is naming the baby Nathanial Scott. I really wanted to go but I learned that OM was also going so I decided not to go. I am not putting myself through that. My W asked if I had a problem with her because of his going since she didnt invite him and it wasnt her baby shower. I told her that I didnt bring him into our family and if she didnt understand then I wasnt going to argue with her. That was friday. Today I wrote her this long email saying how that hurt and that I wanted to know what her plans were cause I cant take this anymore. I ended it with the last last resort technique saying I love her enough to let her go. When I clicked send email. the computer said my session timed out and I needed to log on again. when I did my email was gone. the sermon today was about forgiveness and letting anger or resentment get in the way of being closer to God. I think my losing my email was god telling me not to send it yet. I did send her an email. It said I appreciate you and complemented alot of her good qualities. I also said a couple of I liked it when you did this...... I thought about wether or not my email was going to bring me closer to my goal or farther away. So I rewrote it. I am tired of waiting. I am so detached and happy now my will to keep trying is being overpowered by my want to know what our plans are for the future. Im tired of her coasting. I have love to give and I am a catch now that I have my act together. I am going to see what I can do to improve our current sitch. take us from a 6 to a 7. Im afraid my heart just isnt in it. At this point I think im ready to give up. I have a life. Im happy with it and myself. I know I would be fine divorced or together. I am really questioning why I keep killing myself to save a marriage she doesnt want. I dont think im going to take action this week givin my email miracle I am going to give it a few more days before I say anything life altering. My question to you DBers out there is what do you do to keep going when your heart isnt in it anymore?

[willmakeithru]

Hi SDof2! There definitely are good days, better days, and just yucky days. For me, it's my kids. It's been a bit rough emotionally the last couple of weeks for me and the kids. My mom asked me last nite if H has any days off, why he can't call just to speak with the kids. I didn't have much to say. I know he's been working a heck lot more than before b/c of a promotion he is getting. I felt bad b/c she said that they miss him. I asked if she asked them or did they tell her. She said they told her they miss their daddy. It pains me to hear that, so today I sent him a text mess. to "please make an effort to see or call the kids b/c they are missing him." He called them.

I think when much hasn't changed on the part of the other S, it's easier to let go even more. I know I have to keep pulling myself up when I start feeling like that, but it's hard. My brain says one thing and then my heart says something else. If they'd only give us something to grasp on to give more hope of the sitch, but I don't know. I have yet to determine if I've forgiven him. I know it's said that forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, but how do you do that when the other R isn't completely over? Don't know if helped or not. Keep chuggin' along. Like you said, I think it was a good idea you give yourself a little extra time.

[flip]

what keeps me going when my heart isn't in it?

I don't know ... stubborness; lack of any better ideas; knowing I haven't let go yet; those brief moments of happiness, sharing a joke, when things could almost be back to normal; knowing my H has made a collosal mistake he just doesn't realise it yet; fear of change; fear of being financially ruined; not wanting to be a quitter or a statistic; fear I won't meet anyone else; because I still love him despite what he's done to me and I think there's a better man in there somewhere ....

[osu43130]

I have to agree with Flip. But you will have to look at yourself and figure out what keeps you going when your heart is not in it. If your heart was not still in it you most likly would not be here looking for advise. My sitch is similar to yours however you are a lot further alone than I am. I am just now getting the de-tach portion working for me. Keep your chin up and do what is best for you and your Daughters.

[seporateddadof2]

Thank you to all for your responces. I am still giving myself time to think before I act. I have decided to let most issues go since I wouldnt really gain anything by complaining about them. I find myself in a different position than I was in 6 months ago. I am now confident secure happy and independent. I know what I want ask for it and truely believe I deserve what i ask for. I have become the H a W would want to have so when is it her turn? I am getting tired of her coasting and putting in zero effort. I deseve better. I dont blame her for not wanting to go back to our unhappy M. I dont want to go back to it either. I want the R I know we could have. So this is a verry different sitch than the one I started out in. I am going to get comfortable in it before I decide to make any changes or decisions. Thank you to all again for your input. I appreciate your incouragement and sympathies.

[seporateddadof2]

I decided to wait until next mo. to try to start any R talk because this mo. is my W and my D4 birthdays. Today my W called and said that she didnt see us getting back together and wants to move forward with the D. I told her that that was fine with me and I respect her dicision. She sounded surprized and asked if i would resent her be mean to her or something like that. I told her I would continue to be nice and polite to her as I have been during our seporation. I also told her that I dont want to be devorced but I love her enough to let her go. I have gone as far as I can with out her in my DB efforts so if she wants out there is nothing I can do about it and Im ok with that. I know that I will find love elsewhere and I will be ok. We talked a while and I told her that we could give our R a chance using a good SBT councelor and the tools in DB and DR books. We can always get divorced later I said. She started to cry and didnt want to talk anymore cause she was at work. I brought her lunch and we sat and talked (not R talk)
I think we may be making a plan to talk more later this week. Im not going to push anything this mo. but If she wants to talk about D then I wont run away either. I know she loves me, I have no doubt about that. she isnt mean or angry when we talk she sounds hurt but loving. I dont know why we cant get over this hump given that we both love each other and I have become a pretty good DBer. The only thing I can figure is that whats done is done and there is nothing I can do to change it. She has made her dicision and refuses to see the possibility of Us. If that is the case then there isnt anything I can do about it and I accept that. So is she serious this time? will she drop papers in my lap? or will this be the beginning of some productive R talk? I dont know. I do know that I will be ok either way and I will get through. I have gotten quite an education over the past 6 mo. And I have progressed by leaps and bounds. hurray me. Sooo any advice is welcome. a good 180 or something to help us get over this hump would be appreciated

[attorneytom]

Wow SDo'2 ! You have done alot in a short time and I think your Db'ing is right on ! Good Job and great attitude ! A 180 right now ? I am not sure I see one at the moment. Just my 2 cents.. will think about it though.. oh.. I do not see her dropping anything in your lap at the moment. she seems very , very confused and my thought is to keep up with the reality of the sitch to her. When you tell her you accept what she is doing and validate how she feels.. well you put it all in her lap (no papers !).. just her actions and emotions.

Tom