OK, I have a quick question. my H and I are together again, he had LD so I am reading the SSM, but I also want to work on myself in the meantime. I've had a good think and for me sex gets boring and needs spicing up. So far so good. Trouble is, I get caught up in the "nice girls don't do this" thnig and I feel embarrassement and I feel dirty and ashamed. I know this is stupid thinking, I want to break out of it. Has anyone here broken out of it and got any pointers?
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Nice/good girls do anything they feel like doing. I used to be HORRIBLY shy sexually...so yes you can get past this. The fact is....what you and your H do sexually, is between the two of you....nothing is off limits if both of you agree to it.
One of the hardest things I found to do was to get past that first few times of trying something new/different for me. Looking back I was going for too much change...too fast. Try something small first that you've never done...whatever that may be. For example...I used to find it horribly uncomfortable to maintain eye contact while having oral sex. That's a good place to start....if that's something difficult for you....and it can be a real turn on for both people.
My advice is just don't go for something that would be a really drastic change to spice things up at first....you are likely to end up feeling really overwhelmed....just work your way into new behaviors. You might even just simply try positioning yourself in different ways so that your partner picks up on what you want. If you are comfortable doing so...tell him what it is you'd like to do. Or heck...here's a thought. Write him a brief note describing what you would like and then leave it for him to find (on the car seat, so he finds it on his way to work...or on the bathroom mirror). Then not only have you told him what you'd like to try, he gets to think about it til later.
As a question to you though, how comfortable are you with yourself sexually? I found that, for myself, until I became really comfortable with me and what I wanted sexually...it was hard for me to communicate it to...or initiate it with someone else.
I'm sure some other ladies will have some great thoughts for you too.
RE GEL Write him a brief note describing what you would like and then leave it for him to find (on the car seat, so he finds it on his way to work...or on the bathroom mirror).
Jen, just give him the note folded up and put it in his pocket while you hug him, say here is something that has been on your mind for our love making.
If your H is shy or insecure sexually and someone else stumbles across the note, that might not be too good.
I repair things and read lots of service manuals. I also read relationship books. I like being direct and think a low key, friendly direct approach works best.
If my W would take my hand and tell me to totally relax every muscle in my hand and tell me "I like this done this way with this amount of pressure and speed, it would be so much easier. Latwer I would do variations. Like I said low key and friendly.
Thank you both for the replies. Greeneyedlass I like the strategy of doing something only slightly different. I like the note idea, but at the moment H is so LD that the passion he feels is brief and rare, so it will prob come over as persuit, and will pressure him. Am reading SSM, just reading that I was wrong about guys wanting sex for the sake of it, that it really is a feeling thing for them too - what an eye opener! How comfortable am I? Well, I do sometimes - ahem "dance with myself" but I am always in a rush, so I can get that itch scratched and move on to something else (like the laundry or the shoppnig). Blimey! The more I type the more obvious it is what my problem is! OK - goal for me = to feel that I am sexy. First sign = will put on nice underwear How? Well, I am going to pamper myself a bit, go back to the gym, see if I can drop a bit more weight (lost 50lbs over the past 2 years, can't get the motivation for the last 20 I want to get rid of), have a few nice relaxing baths then NOT dress in my baggy pyjamas and comfy teddy bear slippers but something a bit more sensual and grown up. See if I can get the feeling going for myself before I approach H. How does that sound?
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Thanks Karen and take it as a comlpiment about reading like BJ's diary. Noticed LDH today - we were watching a film with a couple in it who were ML very tenderly. He couldn't watch and then made some remark about the time. Seems he can't even watch it at the moment! Argh!!!! I am trying to show him that he can start with little things - a cuddle or a peck on the cheek. Trouble is, right now I'm the one initiating just about everything, unless he has had a few drinks. I dont' want to become an alcoholic in order to have a SL. I guess I'll just have to be patient, like I was when he walked out last year.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
OK - goal for me = to feel that I am sexy. First sign = will put on nice underwear How? Well, I am going to pamper myself a bit, go back to the gym, see if I can drop a bit more weight (lost 50lbs over the past 2 years, can't get the motivation for the last 20 I want to get rid of), have a few nice relaxing baths then NOT dress in my baggy pyjamas and comfy teddy bear slippers but something a bit more sensual and grown up. See if I can get the feeling going for myself before I approach H. How does that sound?
Jen Jam,
I TOTALLY am like you...shy as heck, but wanting oh-so-much-more! I think the advice you got is good. Your first step is good. I think a lot about changing LD is how we perceive ourselves. Are you exuding confidence and sexuality? You can do this totally covered up...or not. Sexiness is an attitude I think...an energy you put out.
Think about days when your PMA was high, you KNEW you looked good, and you were out walking around. Other people NOTICED. I know when I go out with my, "D@mn I'm looking good!" attitude, I get lots of looks and attention from people. When I'm feeling deflated, it's almost as if it's a repellant.
That's why I started buying the lacy undies and jammies. They put an extra little something in my step...I feel like a beautiful woman!
And I have to tell you, weight and looks have nothing to do with being sexy. I went to a burlesque show last week, and most of the women had a little extra (some a lot!) on them, some not what I'd call attractive, but their confidence was sexy.
Work on feeling sexy, just for yourself. That PMA, that confidence, that happiness...these things are sexy.
Our Hs are in trouble when they get themselves together...I've lost an awful lot of my hangups through this process!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
