Hello all this is my second thread here, I have posted my main situation in newcomers, but here I would like specifics on dealing with my SSM. It has been this way for some time. I just don't desire sex. Last year H left, he is now back and we have a good R but he says "I don't feel desirous of you" and "I love you but I have no passion for you". It hurts to hear this but I realise that there are reasons it's come to that and I believe it can get better. I have low self esteem. I am working on that and will be starting individul therapy soon to address that. I have not desired sex for years. Even on honeymoon! I have always been the same. For the first 8 months or so of a R I have a high libido, then it just goes and I feel that I can't do it anymore. With H it stayed a bit longer - about 2 years (we have been married almost 3 years, together for 8). He stopped feeling desire for me last year. I realise I have been sending him unconcious messages that I don't desire him. I also did tell him about 1-2 years ago that I had a problem with sex and it was nothing to do with him, but stupidly I looked to him to help me with it - I have learnt from that and the new, improved me will look to myself for help. I suppose I am asking here what steps can take to regain the intimacy? Obviously I need to work on myself, is there anything else? Our MC suggested that we attend psycho sexual therapy - we are going to discuss it over the weekend. I am very open to suggestions and not easliy offended. I realise sex can be a difficult subject but I realise I need to face this so am prepared for just about anything! All advice appreciated.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
How is the rest of your R? You were separated for a while I take it and then got back together but nothing is different? So BOTH of you admit to having low sex drive? Is it the sex between the two of you that is just not happening or do you both feel very little sexually in general? Are you attracted to other people, have sexual fantasies, etc?
Wow Lust thank you for a speedy reply. Our R is now good - H says it's "how it should be" and our MC descibed us as "not a couple in crisis". We have a wonderful friendship and love and care for each other. We got back together after a 2 month sep but I did not tackle the fact I don't like sex. We had sex about 3 times between November 2005 and now. I for one feel very little sexually - occasional flashes is the best way I would descibe it. I don't know if H feels it in general - I hope to find out. There is no OM for me and H doesn't have an OW - he says not and there is no evidence for it. Sexual fantasies - I can only speak for myself here. No, I don't. I don't feel attracted to anyone. I don't want to have sex with anyone at all. I feel that it's slightly dirty - a really stupid thing I know and I hope to purge myself of that. I am capable of being sexual, but not in the long term. I would like to change myself.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Interesting that your MC stated you are "not a couple in crisis." I understand what he/she meant because C's have said the same about H and I. We have a pretty functional R, except for that darn SL issue. We have a wonderful friendship and love and care for each other. That is a wonderful foundation to a M. We got back together after a 2 month sep but I did not tackle the fact I don't like sex. Did the SL issues lead to the separation? I went through my own S with H and a lot of it had to do with that but mainly depression on H's end. Glad to here you are in C. You stated you have some low self-esteem. Are you depressed as well? When you mentioned you didn't have any sexual fantasies I remembered my H said the same thing in one of our C sessions. MC said that was very rare. Some of it may be biological but largely social (I think). You also mentioned thinking sex was "dirty." I think that supports the social control aspect of your LD. You will need to tackle that one if you want to shift your perceptions about sex long term. My H is having some success with this one so it can be done. Keep posting. Lots of people will give you some great feedback and support.
Quote: I feel that it's slightly dirty - a really stupid thing I know and I hope to purge myself of that.
Welcome aboard, Jen. The first thing is to stop saying critical and judgmental things about yourself. Don't call yourself stupid. This mental/emotional/physical system that we call "Us" is very loving and very smart and the ultimate purpose of all of your feelings is for your own safety and well-being. Some of these old, old feelings came to be and got set in concrete when we were very young as a way of protecting ourselves or because we misunderstood something or were frightened. Unfortunately many of us are living with those decisions today that we made when we were three years old!
Instead of saying you want to "purge" yourself of this idea or feeling, as though it were an enemy or some terrorist stowaway, you might do better to befrend that part of you that feels sex is dirty. To tell her that you love her and you know she feels that way for a very good, but possibly no longer relevant, reason. Don't expect a shift on this right away, but if you're patient, gentle, and quiet, you may get some internal thoughts or memories that can help you untangle this thinking/feeling. Picture taming a semi-wild kitten that has wandered out of the woods to your back door. It may take a while, but if you're patient and welcoming, this part of you will reveal itself, and I'll bet ultimately it will be willing to change. Therapy is very well advised for you and your husband.
Lust thank you again for caring. One thing though - I've searched the abbreviations and can't see what LD and SL mean. Would you tell me? Lillieperl - you're so right. I have low self esteem so calling myself stupid ain't gonna help. I will try the "befriending" myself thing. I think I will but the SSM book too and see if it strikes any chords. Last night H and I held hands - we can cuddle but there is no sexual feeling. In fact, he never initiates a cuddle with me but he does touch my knee or my back. Something in me tells me we have a good chance of working this out, but it's going to take far longer than perhaps would be nice.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Usually LD means Low Desire or Lower Desire, referring to the partner who wants sex less than the HD (high or higher) desire person. Rarely on this board you'll see LL and HL for Low or High Libido.
The SSM book is good for "just do it" suggestions, and these can be very helpful. And yes, this will take time... do you have other plans? Emotional growth is an ongoing process that takes our whole lives right up until the moment we breathe out last breath. This is the place you are growing now. If you leave him, you will be growing (and struggling) someplace else. That is the nature of life: we grow, experience joy, have setbacks, have fun, get sad, make progress, backslide into despair, recover our optimism, and so on WHEREVER we are. It's your choice where you do that. Right now you're doing it here.
If you move on and your issues re sex are unresolved, it's very likely you will attract a partner who will present you with the very same issues, so you might as well work on them here.
Alas, it's not like you can just get on a bus and ride to the next stop where things will be just the way you like them. It's a process.
I wish Mrs. NOP would chime in. Some of your issues may be familiar to her, although in their marriage, her H was always the HD one. In yours, both of you seem to be LD, but I suspect your H's LD is more situational.
Just keep on being kind to yourself (and to your H). That's never the wrong thing to do.
Hi Lillie - thank you for the clarification. I'm not giong to leave - H and I don NOT want to D, we do want to find a way through this. I have stated that I would life a fulfilling sex life. I know that if I move on the problems will follow - I realise that life is trying to teach me a lesson and I need to have my ears open to hear it. Ideas - not much, will do the therapy but also will think heard about things I have said/done may have contributed to this. H's LD is, I believe, down to the fact I had LD for so long that he ended up feeling rejected - I can clearly see that, I often told him I had LD but still loved him, I should have found help for my LD because I don't want to be LD. I do want to find a way through this but will keep the motto I've kept through this whole situation - "go slow and take it easy". thank you all for your help and do keep in touch.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
