It's been about 15 months since my H and I reconciled - he was the one who filed for D, he is also the one who after almost 4 months wanted to work on the M (of course initially I was pleading and begging - sounds familiar? ) when I was finally okay with how life was going to be for me from that time on. So here we are.....it took us over 6 months to go back to the MC when old problems were re-surfacing and we finally had to face them. From MC I broke of to also have private sessions with same councelor when all the issues in our M seemed to be created by me.....that's probably the beginning of the big problem I am facing right now. The initial reason for our M falling apart was the inadequate sex life - I thought we addressed it and life went on. Then my H told me he does not like my quick temper by saying that from the moment I moved in with him he was always fearing my "outbreaks" and how it broke his spirit. That's what I decided to work on in private sessions agreeing that yes - I do have a temper which sometimes gets out of control. Now we are back to being sexually inadequate. Yup! Since we reconciled I would make it a point to make sure that everything was good in that department. I asked, I got the confirmation time and time again. Until about a month ago. H told me that he is unhappy again and it's again killing his spirit. Couple of days ago we had a MC session during which we were exploring what possibly might make it difficult for me to be the free spirited lover he wants and is convinced I once was (he is talking about the long distance relationship where we would see each other once every couple of months and all that energy had to be discharged in the couple of days we had and had to last for the couple of months that would be there until we saw each other again). I have been initiating ML, I have been very affectionate physically (hugging, kissing, stroking etc) but his current problem with me is "I have to ask" instead of just do. Here is my problem - It's a baby step I'm taking, that's what makes me feel safer initially but I am not planning to stop there. Here is his problem - too little too late. He wants instant gratification because he lives in the past where he counts the years he spent fighting for our M when I was not even aware (I totally admit to that) that there was a problem with our sex life.
Okay, bottom line is - he has this perfect picture of our M and sex life that I don't think I'll ever be able to live up to - that perfect picture is the time of our long distance relationship....doesn't matter that the life was on hold when we got together, that we had no worries....maybe that's where I just dont get it. Help?
Sounds like your H is one of those romantic, want to be "in love" types. I suffer from this nasty affliction at times myself But ultimately, that is HIS issue. You can only be yourself and hope that he realizes what he will lose if he decides to file again. I've been through a separation and reconcilation. There is only so much either of you can do to MAKE the other person stay and work on the issues. They need to each freely choose to do that because they want to. You sound like you are working on your own issues (anger management) but it it still a problem for him. Are you dealing effectively with this problem or not? Because I don't think the SL is the foundation of the problem. What do you think?
By no means am I a buddist monk that will chant while getting hit on a face. I used to give silence treatments and lash out at the stupid things and even though I would know that the fight was stupid my pride would get in a way to admit it and make peace. Now the roles seem to be reversed - it's him who does the silence thing (which is ridiculous because he told me how much it hurt him when I did it), it's him who gets defensive at the sign of possible confrontation, it's him who I feel is not LISTENING (another ridiculous thing is that those used to be my trademarks ). I don't think I have a full grip on the anger but I know that even if I get lost in it I find my way out quickly, I'm not ashamed to appologize if I blew up over nothing and it's me who reaches out with peace offering. H agrees that I made big steps in that area but I do agree that there is more to it than just perfect SL that he seems to be gripping for right now. What if he trully is afraid that once my demons are recognized and delt with the spotlight will turn on him and it will be his turn to face his shortcomings....Hell! The time has been all along, the work on M cannot be done just by one party - he lives on past glories of working for it before he threw in a towel and asked for D in the first place. He thinks he racked up the points that he can float on but the way I see it is: I'm moving forward, I'm working on my well being and he is standing still (actually, probably taking some steps back while at it). It's like that little kid that will break his own toys to show mother how angry he is with her. But what's his anger? What's his beef? He hasn't admitted to that yet....
Hold on a minute. Your posts are very hard to decipher. What does this mean? By no means am I a buddist monk that will chant while getting hit on a face. Are you literally saying he physically abuses you? If the answer is yes, I take a no-tolerance approach. Just get out of that sick M.
NO! I'm sorry, that's not what I ment. He never hit me (he does get physical with inanimate objects though and that's something I need him to work on) - all I meant was that I don't let a lot of things get to me but I am a human who had a volitile temper and I still react to certain things with anger. The kicker is that those things might mean nothing to someone else but they will set me off. That's all. Just a trigger and response analogy.
Oh, ok. That's much better. So I still don't understand why he thinks you are "killing his spirit." What does that mean? What does he want to see changed? Can he be specific?
Most of the time... ICK! I admit that at times it's me jumping to conclusions that fires me up but that's also the time when I come to my senses the quickest.
Also, I guess I should explain the reason why I'm back on the forum - Couple of days ago we had an MC session and when we went there the first words out of my H's mouth were how happy he's been for the past 2 weeks (since our last MC session) and how great the life has been. The C wanted to explore the sexuality part more knowing that that's still a sore spot and after all this is why we are paying her- to figure those things out. He got upset that I brought up my physical limitations (not enough lubrication and having to use the artificial kind, occasional painful sex and having to use antiobiotics immediately after to prevent painful UTIs) as something that is still dragging me down - he called them my EXCUSES. Now folks - I said it's was a PART and also said that I know the other part is psychological and that's a part I"m currently addressing. I though we came to understanding that the physical part unfortunatelly is independent of me and the lube, the drugs etc. are there to aid me. But even though he says during the sessions that he has no problem with it, he would constantly ask me do I have to use the extra lube, asking if we could skip it etc. What's the message I'm getting? HE IS NOT OK WITH IT! I told him that I need him to understand my situation and not bring it up again but..... Since that session we barely talk, it seems like we are a pair of roomates that don't even like each other that much, not H and W that are working on M. It's not like any of the things brought up during the session were new...it's not like it was a fight but his reaction to that session was that of the post fight....I can't take it...right now I have only "bad" feelings about him....no love, no lust, no longing. I call him names in my head and I'm physically ill knowing that I have to be under the same roof with him tonight....now that's quite a 180 from when we entered the room for the MC session....
He wants me to ravish him, take him without asking and probably do it every other if not EVERY day. Typical HD man - the twist is he wants it NOW. My take on it is he is tired of waiting (again, he judges the time that passed by a different calendar - his starts at the moment we moved in together, my starts from the moment I admitted to myself that there is a problem and started to address it). He is frustrated that he knows what he wants (read: perfect SL according to him) and it should be oh so easy for me to give him that since I did it before (read: long distance relationship). That's where it all begins as well as gets stuck.
Ok - lets just say that your take on what he wants is accurate. What do you wnat out of your SL? Does he know anything about that or does he just believe that you are willing to accomodate him? What kind of SL do you want? What kind of R/emotional life do you want?
) when I was finally okay with how life was going to be for me from that time on. So here we are.....it took us over 6 months to go back to the MC when old problems were re-surfacing and we finally had to face them. From MC I broke of to also have private sessions with same councelor when all the issues in our M seemed to be created by me.....that's probably the beginning of the big problem I am facing right now. The initial reason for our M falling apart was the inadequate sex life - I thought we addressed it and life went on. Then my H told me he does not like my quick temper by saying that from the moment I moved in with him he was always fearing my "outbreaks" and how it broke his spirit. 
