Yeah, GH, I've thought about the safety net thing - interestingly enough, I am totally convinced that my wife sees and believes that I've changed for the better, and she knows how loyal and committed I am to promises - I'm almost a fanatic about it - for myself, though, I don't force my ideals on others.
The overiding tone lately is just that she is, as you noted in my hate survey, apathetic toward me, and has officially given up on our future, thinking she has to find something different. Naturally, I would LOVE to talk to her about this, but don't worry - I probably won't even if she tries to! That will happen, and soon I think, but it will be a major minefield for me when it does. If you have any thoughts on how far I should go in describing the new me to her, I'd love to hear them.....
Hey brother, I 'm almost putting myself back to anxiety attacks keeping up on your situation. Too close to home from my past. I know I've said this before, but change the names and it's the same situations with the same drama.
Your wife has recognized the changes. This just makes her angry for now, she's wondering why now, why did it take a wake up call of the darkest hurt to make you see realize her pain. Just let things play what they will now. Pay attention to your son and be cordial to your wife. Her mind is made up, but only in her mind, what reality will unfold is a whole different story. She will waffle from minute to minute depending upon what she reads, feels or hears from others.
You focus on you and your life. She has told you she's out, so act as if you believe her, but remember only half of what you see and 90% of what you hear is drama; not reality. DO NOT REACT........just listen. The things these people say are unbeleivable, so accept them for what they are, only frustrated guilt lessening phrases.
Worst case scenario, she moves out, you already know this plan, anything other than this is gravy, but it will take many months to years to be what you want as an outcome if she stays.
Her addiction to the OM is only an escape of reality for now. When she hits bottom, it's a whole different game. She will hit bottom. When and were, I don't know. When she does, you will have to be wiling to face the evil of all evil accusations and faults. Then, you can work on the relationship. This will be especially true if she moves out, then she doesn't have to be remotely pleasant.
You really have to be conscious of the credit card stuff. No sense to face a huge liability in the future. If she in fact moves out, get a separation of assets ASAP. If she wants out, that's when this deal becomes a business; it's you and your son's future to protect. Life is hard enough for you now, don't let her pile on a huge debt you may/will be 50% liable for.
For now be more aloof. You need to be pleasant, yet active, without her. Do things with your son out side of the house. At all cost no talks about when she's moving out, this will accelerate a move. She is unsure of what she wants and may be hoping for you to dictate her next action.
Sleep when you can, eat healthy and go to movies, walk in a mall, get groceries, spend time out of the house with your son having fun, be aloof. It will be noticed.
Suddenly - Can you tell me how things have worked for you? - I see you've been here a long time - most folks seem to last less than a year, good or bad results - I tried looking at your posts, but can't see how things are for you presently.
How and when did the Retrouvaille topic enter into your relationship? She would scoff at that idea today, so I WON'T be bringing it up!
I'm keeping a close eye on the credit situation, to keep things under control. I even cancelled a couple that were "lost", as devious as that sounds. Sad part is, I feel guilty about it - lying is SO aginst my instincts. By the way, I won't even be answering her on the "move out" question - in her heart, she doesn't want to leave our home, and she doesn't want our son separated from me OR from her when he and I are together. The tough part will be when the day comes that there's no reason to put it off any longer. She's so.............rational......about it these days - part of that apathy I see. BUT, she probably thinks I'm rational too, because of the detachment. [If she does, I'll be accepting my Academy Award next year; and you're all invited to the ceremony, with your wives and husbands!]
Quote: If you have any thoughts on how far I should go in describing the new me to her, I'd love to hear them.....
As the last post sorta already said, you DON'T describe your changes to her, you let her discover them on her own. To take that further, you shouldn't be doing anything very overt that looks like you are trying to get her attention. Just CHANGE and let that speak for itself. Your marriage/issues didn't go bad in a day, week, or even year so give these changes a chance to sink in, it may take awhile.
Yup, I know what you mean - I guess I should've asked a little differently - When she asks pointed questions about the changes she's seen, I can't "detach" and deny them - I have to answer "professionally".
Thus far, I've just told her that emerging from depression and being jolted by our failure has caused me to reevaluate my priorities. Basically, just falling back on the truth.
I've gotten plenty of "why not 5 yrs ago" from her, and deserve it, but haven't come up with a better answer, and "I don't know" would just be dismissive and insulting, possibly leading her to think I'm still out of touch, or happy to be rid of her. [For what it's worth, I am happy to be rid of the uncertainty of her feelings - it was a 1000 lb weight around my neck every day.]
Re my post above _ I just reread it and it sounds dumb - what I wanted to ask you is more like this:
Your timeline isn't well filled out in terms of posts to keep us current. Your advice seems awesome, and it looked like you were really succeeding, with Retrovaille, etc., in some respects. Then you went dark on the forum, you come back smarter than ever, and it looks like DB'ing was unsuccessful for you in the martial arena, and great in the rest of your life - correct?
I like the success stories that include "THEY lived happily aver after" better than "HE/SHE lived happily...", but happy is happy, I guess. Just wondering about that dark period- did you fall off the DB wagon, or did things just go to hell? Thanks for posting on my thread - I really thrive on the input from guys who've been there!
Just when you think it's not possible for things to get worse, they do.
I think tonight may be the worst night of my life - my 5 yr old son got in minor trouble for getting crayon on the rug. His reaction?
Total freakin melt-down: tears, screaming "leave me alone" "I just want to go to bed" "Everybody hates me" "I hate our whole family" "I don't want to go ----'s house tomorrow (OM's son)" "nobody loves me"
He was inconsolable for a good 20 minutes - this from a kid who never cries emotionally, just when he's physically hurt. I finally left the room and told him to come out when he was OK, and he settled down. Later, at bedtime (10 minutes ago), he told me he wants Mom to love me again, and -----'s dad will never be his Dad, and I'll always be his Dad. I hugged him, spent a few more minutes with him, and told him how much Mom and I love him, and that everything will turn out fine.
I'm so damn angry with my wife right now I wish I had to explain why she was dead, not f-ing up her entire family. NO KIDDING.
This is on the heels of a day where I realized - it sunk in, I guess - that when we're separated, I won't see him every day, and I won't be there to put him to bed. Small thing in some families, but to me gigantic - the last thing he hears for the day is Dad saying "I Love You".
$HIT $HIT $HIT.
I'm not even sure why I'm posting here now - I know everyone here's been through hell and can only understand, not really help, but I have nowhere to turn - I've always talked to my WIFE about this sort of thing. I can't even tell her about it - she'll dismiss it, or blame me, or think I'm making it up or something. I've already determined she doesn't care.
dee, you're right, now is probably not the time for me to give you advice but rather to just tell you that I DO understand, as do we all. I know it doesn't make you feel much better, or stop the tears I KNOW are there right now but you ARE NOT alone.
That idea that my W was supposed to be the one I turned to in times of crisis was a powerful one to me and often caused just as much pain as whatever else I was dealing with. I mean, first she rips my heart out and at the same time, takes my support system with it. How cruel.
All I can say is that it DOES get better. I can't speak from experience on the seperation part but I can on most other aspects of what you are going through. One day soon, you will be able to wrap your head around the new reality you have and you'll accept it. I know that sounds impossible, but it's true as many others her will tell you.
Please, let it out. Cry, scream, beat a pillow, whatever. Allow yourself to FEEL this and then try to process it and understand that for your son's sake, you WILL pull it together and make the best of a crappy situation.
I am sorry you are having a terrible day and I hope you find peace soon.
This day will come...you get out of work. You walk to your car. You realize you have no responsibility for the evening, nobody at home. The next thing you are in your own MLC wondering what to do with your free time.
This isn't a positive post, sorry. All I can say is you will never be, no matter what happens, a part time dad. I see my boys 50% of the time, but I'm still a full time dad. Get them as often as you can. Stay in the same general area as the the STBX. You want to have them playing soccer on the weekends and being able to practice with the same team on the weekdays.
What your son is going through is normal. He has no control over the situation, it's frustrating for him. You should be able to work something out with STBX, son needs to be able to talk or not talk on the phone depending on how he feels. Maybe he can be allowed to stay at your home some nights when he is supposed to be there.
All I can say is the better the two of you are to eachother, the better he will be.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
Thanks guys - I left W a note this morning and asked her to be really nice to S since he had a rough evening - no more than that - and told her I'd call him at bedtime tonight, since I'll be out of town on business until tomorrow evening. I hope she doesn't call about the note - I don't want to talk to her and hear her say "he's young, he'll get over it" or some of her other crap. Not today.
