Hey deezee, Sorry to meet you here as well,but your in the right place. What i found to work in my sitch was i finally started to validate my W's feelings about her unhappiness and my neglect,Basically i started to agree with her on most things even though i didnt really agree with everything.Hope thats not confusing. I too,was always looking for that "magic bullet".That one thing i could say or do that would change her mind.But they never worked and i just kept hurting myself by getting my expectations up,because i just knew THIS was going to work.It sounded so good in my own head that i thought it would sound good to her as well.Pretty much you have to reside yourself to the fact that it will be HER decision to come back,and there will be times when she does think about it and consider it,but it will be your actions and how you are handling it.My W did not want to come back to an interrogation and deal with the past everyday. Hope this helps DeeJay
Short update: she was at school last night, didn't come home until morning. Had a realtor give us an "anticipated proceeds from sale" appraisal last night - lower than she expected, which makes her buyout less attractive. I left her a note that asked her to watch our son friday night - she called me on may way to work and said she understood I needed time to "get my groove on" - normally, I would have laughed, but I told her it was no big deal, I just neeeded to do some things and thanked her for agreeing to be home. But didn't say what I'm doing. I also told her (true, by the way) that I have to travel for work next Thur/Fri and would need her again, and that I was telling her in advance so it wasn't a surprise. But no details there, either, and I rarely travel - once a year, tops! Any thoughts or advice from you wise DB'ers out there?
You did well in responses and requests. If she wants to have her secrets in life, so can you. It's just the silly little high school games. I know you didn't ask for this, but your in the game none-the-less.
Think of it this way; she's acting like a teenager and will get her way just because, so you need to live life as if she is not there nor will she be there in the future. Anything more that that is gravy. Listen to the folks about not setting yourself up for failure. This is in emotions, hopes, dreams, even financially. She is highly vulnerable to spending large amounts of money to ease her pain now, and you may not be aware of it. Watch those credit cards with your name on them. Have no expectations and live your life. Do the best you can in this terrible situation.
Also, whether you know this or not, she is hurting inside, this crap is eating her up with guilt, she just won't outwardly express her misery in front of you.
She's spending the money, but on a card in her name she says will be her problem after the separation. Yeah, I know the problem with that - I've taken steps to contain it.
You're absolutely right about the guilt. Not that it will change her mind, but she is suffering big over this. Just not acting herself at all, and I don't mean toward me alone. She's in more pain than I've ever seen - enough so that if this plan she has doesn't work, I could see her becoming suicidal. Now maybe you can see why I have trouble focusing on just myself - divorced parents are one thing, but a Mom who killed herself? No way do you adjust to that easily (ever?).
On your other advice, I don't expect much, so I hope I'm not setting myself up for failure. I mentioned on another thread that I figure a 1% chance is all we have, but these DB strategies work for more than recovering relationships. I think they make you a better person all around, and allow you to retain dignity and the ability to have an open heart. I have always been a forgiving person, and now I know why - because I'm selfish, in a way.
Don't think I posted on your thread before, but thought I would throw in my 2c worth.....
Some mystery is good, and it helps with detaching. If your W is the type to think suicidal thoughts, then it would be good for you to always appear calm and non-judgmental. It is great that you are the forgiving type - an excellent quality to have. I hope your W is seeking counselling, and it might be a good idea for you to do the same. It helped me a lot.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I'm in my second month of biweekly counseling - not bad for an arrogant jerk who thought he had it all figured out, right? LOL
She was randomly chosen from the yellow pages and I couldn't haven chosen better. My W went three times, the third visit, in an emotional turmoil, told me she wanted out. I think it just overwhelmed her -the thought of starting over when she had almost rationalized giving up. Now, of course, she won't go. I wonder if I should offer her my next appointment? For some reason, it seems like a bad idea. I could also tell her the counselor asked about her and invited her back. I told her I was going to keep going until I felt I knew how best to handle things with our S5. Anybody have any thoughts?
You'll be OK. Choices on her part are out of your control. As for suicide, she's too shelfish for that. This is all about her and that's the last thing on her mind. She just wants you to feel sorry for her. The women most likely can't stand herself at this time in life.
I've lived it personally and seen it as a spectator. You change the names of the families and it's all the same excuses and complaints.
As for me and my situation. Life is well. I was married for 18 years, she bailed for a boss after my trying to stick with the DB program for 2.5 years. Her cheating weighed heavy on my health, I fell apart, but came back strong. I remember the pain well. I still don't know what went wrong in our relationship. Things went south fast and never emerged for air.
I raise my boys alone and they appreciate everything we do together. Mom is only 2 miles away and see's them less than 1 hour a week. Too into her adelescent re-birth. Looks like hell, filed bancruptcy and lives on plamsa donation money for food aside from her University job income. She's all into the fake tan and high maintence lady things.
I'm my own person again. I've taken up elk hunting each year out west added a few black bears, antelope, and a moose, even a mountain lion to my hunt successes. My mom/dad(69) stay with my boys the last 10 days or so in October and I go out to Wyoming and Montana alone, camping in the back country with rented horses. I was never allowed to this when married. I've built a new house with the help of my boys and we love it. I dedicate all my time to them, little league and flag fooball highs school volunteer and serve on several boards for youth activities. No dating or women in my life, I get offers, but the time I have I spend with my family. Best way to ruin a kid is throw another relationship at them before their out of high school. My closet relatives are 3 hours away so it's essentially me and the boys and we get along great.
I work at a University, have a great job and circle of friends, I lift weights 3-4 days a week, can run a 5K or 10K without training. I'm just enjoying life.
Moral here, life gets better everyday. This site allowed me to be a stronger person. When my darkest times were constantly tearing at me 4 yeras ago, I never thought I would be alive today. I am, and I'm strong. New adventures await me every month. They will for you too.
Take deep breaths, find a spiritual center and move on to a better place no matter how the relationship evolves.
I too had a great therapist. Visited with him for 8 month's on the University's nickel. Without him, I would still be in a funk. He wasn't able to pin point a reason for the relationship fallout. One intersting thing. When wiffy was going with me and claiming no affair, he never spilled the beans to me, he knew. But he did turn me on to Michelle Weiner Davis. Smart man. Later after wiffy quite going, didn't like the therapist when I discovered the affair, funny how that works. Anyway, therapist then assigned blame percentages. Mine was 50%, of that 50% mine was 5%. In other words, he said it was all about selfishness and choices, etc. He did say he was surprised that things did not work out in the end. He Said wiffy was best out of my life afterall.
I have no contact as of today. Once I signed the divorce papers. That was it. I was her problem, I was her misery, I was ......When in the end. She is her own worst enemy.
Sound familar to anyone reading these post? Change the names and the situaitons are the same.
There is no such thing as a mid life crisis. It's just actions resulting from poor choices, weak spirits and selfish people. Putting a syndrome name to it allow for an excuse. Weak human characteristics should be recognized for what they are. Shelfish and uncaring
