C.S. & Communication Questions - Input Appreciated

[BarbieDoll]

Hi Soup, Beth, SC and Sassy!

Great responses and I'm glad I finally wrote about this. It has been nagging at the back of my head and bugging me so much. It is written in our agreement that he is to pay 1/3 of extraordinary expenses such as dance expenses, school expenses etc. When worked out our financial agreement - he did have to go back and pay me these expenses that had accumulated since he left. There were also chiropractor costs, braces etc. He paid a portion (was forced to). His lawyer and he acknowledged his responsibility for some of the expenses of Autumn 04 but he never paid me. When I asked for $ he told me he was changing the rule and he would have to agree to them ahead of time. Next year I sent him a letter outlining "UPCOMING" expenses for dance and school to give him an opportunity to agree/investigate. That's when he changed the rule to "SHOW RECEIPTS". The reason I had not submitted 05 receipts was because he insisted on being asked if he would pay BEFORE I spent the $. Question is - how can you give receipts when you haven't got approval to spend in the first place. This is the kind of hoop I'm talking about - so frustrating.

OK, I finished photocopying any and all receipts today. I intend to send the copies to him with a letter giving him a deadline. I will send a copy to his lawyer. If he doesn't come through this time I will then take your advice and go to small claims court.

I really hate that when we are the responsible parent who has always tried to do the right thing, always paid the bills, tried not to alter our kids' lifestyle - the walkaway can do whatever they please. That just sucks!!!!

I live in Canada, though I think the laws are similar in most places (don't quote me on that). I wasn't really sure what the laws on CS were. I receive less than 20% of his gross income but that part doesn't really bother me. I look forward to the day when I will not have to deal with him in any way at all and I honestly hope he's dead before we have grandchildren. (YES, I REALLY MEAN THAT). He told me himself that if he died it would have been easier on us. YES! Too bad he wasn't accomodating!

I will get out my financial agreement and reread it. I bagged it right after it was done. It was a painful process and I hate rehashing it. But - it will be helpful now.

It helps to have this sounding board. I will keep it businesslike.

Barb

[BarbieDoll]

Rayanne:

I think that's the part so many of us find difficult. What happened to the Dad who loved his kids so much. The one who came home and made them pasta while I was working. The one who read them bedtime stories, wiped their runny noses, even learned to tubefeed in addition to changing diapers. He tickled and wrestled and joked and hugged them. They were raised knowing they were deeply loved by both parents. How did they get robbed of their birthright?

I know that down the road he will be the one who loses. I know that my kids always come to me, not him. Ash was going to try once more to ask him to drive her to a concert (I was cringing because I knew she would get hurt again), but she just found out its for 19+ so that ended that one.

OK, back to the emotional stuff that is just another Cheeseless Tunnel. BUSINESS - I'm thinking BUSINESS. I will try to treat it as yet another business transaction.

Barb

[StrongNSassy]

Barbie, it's been my experience that I pay upfront and then send copies of the payments to exH for reimbursement. That's how my decree is based. Check through yours. I am sure that it is quite specific. Remember to send your letter and receipts to him Certfied/Signature Request.

Also... I don't believe that you need to go through Small Claims. I of course am not a Canadian legal adviser... but here it goes through the family courts. We have Attorney General's here with offices through most cities and they work for the custodial parent for free. See what the Canadian equivalent is of this.

What you may wish to do is let exH know in advance at the beginning of each season what is anticipated as happening. Just a thought.

[Toomanywords]

Barbie - read the first post and glanced through the others so I could reply.
Not sure of the laws and what not - I know here in Ohio child support ends when the child turns 18. Sometimes there could be a stipulation "until the child finishes schooling" - to include college.
As far as how much he is behind - also not sure about the legalities of it all, but I know here - my dad was years behind. $10's of thousands, and the court let him settle for just over $3000.

Sorry. I only know how it is here.

[BarbieDoll]

Hi Sassy & TMW: Thanks for your input. I believe that CS is paid here until age 18 or until education is complete. I doubt I'd qualify for Brandon, but I think his dad should help. He did give him some gas cards along with something else for his birthday last week. I gave him a gift certificate to get new tires. I guess that shows we are both concerned with his commute to Toronto.

Sassy, what you are doing makes sense. You pay the bills, he reimburses his share. Letting him know of plans is good too. My Ex, unfortunately, is totally controlled my maggot. She makes the decisions on spending. She NEVER has an ounce of consideration for my children. Some day he might realize. By then they will be grown with children of their own and he will likely be one sad, lonely guy. But who can wait till then?

Some of you commented (I think mostly Beth) on what he is thinking. As my Dad says "he is NOT thinking". I often wonder about his emotional state. Any time I encounter him - it is NOT good. The only time he was decent in the past 3 years was when I ran into him at the movies and I was with Josh. He sure pulled the nice guy together in front of Josh! He also phoned me when my Mom died. He was blabbering away. But I think he was wrapped up in his own grief. I gave him little time since I was very angry and hurt that he had not paid a visit to his MIL while she was alive after loving her for 30 years.

Last night Ashley was rushing home from her friends' to go out with her dad. He had dumped her last week and she had ditched him the week before. I called her on her cel to ask if she had heard from him as he had not called here and usually does to confirm. I suggested she call him, rather than rush home to be disappointed (been there, done that and although I don't like to get involved in this - its better than seeing her hurt once more). She reluctantly agreed. He told her it was her Dress Rehearsal for dance so he would not be coming. She told him that D.R. was next week and he argued with her. SO - he is still NUTS. She told him that SHE should know. He finally, reluctantly agreed to take her out.

As she ran out the door she called out that he had the convertible. The infamous red MLC convertible where the affair started which was now out of winter storage. Gosh -the car is 10 years old now! Ash asked him to stop by our old house where kitty has wandered back to (she can't seem to adjust to the move and every little while we go get her). He told Ash "No way you are bringing Snowball in MY car". What an ASS!!! He knows Ash has has Snowball as long as he has had his precious convertible. I have a brand new car (3 weeks new) worth twice as much brand new as his was. And Snowball has been in it more than once. PRIORITIES!

I'm glad this happened. It reminded me that he is still totally self-centered and mean. He will not willingly give me a dime. I will keep my letter as businesslike as possible. And keep my expectations at zero. And follow through by going to court.

Wonder how grad is going to go?

Barb

[2ndChances5]

Barbie, it's really hard to remember that this is not the man you married and loved. That man's body is now inhabited by an alien, and controlled by a maggot. It's not just your husband you've lost, you've also lost your children's father. The kindness, concern and consideration he showed his children in the past, is truly in the past and may never manifest again. It's not in Maggot's interests for him to have a relationship with his children, I'm sure that would threaten her.

I remember my wasband initially asked for visitation for the cats, and he intended to take one with him when he was settled. He never came back. My mother kept saying "I can't beleive he just abandoned that cat, he loved that cat and that cat loved him". Finally I blurted out "MOM! If he can walk out me ME he can surely walk out on the damned cat!"

In a divorce, all bets are off. It seems horrifying that he is no longer interested in his children. But to him, it's probably like you no longer being interested in his work dramas, or golf issues. All bets are off. It's business. It's awful, but it's business. It is not a reflection on you or your children... it just IS.

[Toomanywords]

Ditto to the wise 2nd.

I've experienced my mom's 2 divorced and my own. My dad stopped visitations with me (not that I wanted to be around him and his new wife and new daughter) - because he couldn't handle the adjustment and the ackwardness of dealing with the old life and new life. And now, 10+ years later - he realizes all the regrets. All the things he missed.
And to a lesser extent - when my mom and SD divorced, she promised to bring the dog to see him and he wanted to take the dog for weekends. He seen the dog 1 time when my mom was on this side of town and she happened to bring the dog.
Same for me and XH. He wanted to set up weekends to take the dog and everything. Still refers to the dog as his or ours. He did help with expenses when there was the emergency, but do you think he's made any effort to see MY dog? Nope. Even when he is on this side of town.

Interesting that he and my mom left their marriages and they both moved over an hour away and now they are living close to each other. Hm. Sorry, just an observation.

WAS say they want to keep up with obligations, and maybe they do try - but ultimately their new life and SO are more of a priority. They are selfish, mostly worthless beings that we are much better without.

Keep on keeping on

[KarenA]

(( Barb ))
Was looking for your thread to tell you something then read
I am so sorry B, makes me so angry at these D*** flippin WA, selfish SOBs! These are their flesh and blood for petes sake! Barb, believe me and its not much comfort, in Chuckie babys old age, when maybe Maggot pie will be there or not, who knows! He will wish upon wish, he had the comfort of his children and regret so much the lack of support he is givng them. I saw this w/ my bf dad, the 5 of them loved their dad but it was mom who had their heart, and time.

You are such a wonderful mom Barb, your children have that!

Ok anyway, off subject, leaving in a few for the Disneyland hotel, going to have dinner w/ my family, celebrate Ryans 21st today then tomorrow its Disneyland!! Havent been in years! and naturally I thought of my girl Barb!
Our D.land is celebrating its golden anny, so I hear there are all sorts of new things to see.

Have a good weekend B, and I hope you are feeling better

{{{ Mickey Mouse Hugs }}}

[BarbieDoll]

Hey Karen - hope you loved DLand. I need to get back there.

Well, just when you think you've moved on something comes and bites you. Oh not that big a deal but here's what happened.

Last week I took my 2 loans' managers out to lunch. These 2 ladies helped me so much with the mortgages, refinancing etc throughout my 5 year ordeal with Chuckie. It was time to finally say thanks. We had a lovely time, did some guy bashing (they are both Divorced too), and reminisced. Both think Chuck is a complete and total A Hole. Both know him and had to deal with his angry outbursts in the bank when he had to come in to sign things.

Anyway, we talked about the former bank manager whom I adored. He was so good to all of us and even was our Rotary partner assigned to my disabled son, Ryan, who accompanied us at picnics, parties etc. I was asking how he was doing. SO..

I was in the bank today and my loans manager told me she ran into Bob (former bank manager). She was telling him about the nice lunch last week with me and he told her he had run into Chuck. He didn't know we were divorced. He just about fell over when Chuck said "Have you met my wife, maggot"???? Bob said he growled all the way home, imagining what must have happened.

OK, I'm sure this happens all the time but it still bites. Someone just invited me to a get together on July 17. Yep - that wouldn't have been my 30th anniversary. OK, I told her YES - absolutely - I'd love to go to a party that day.

No, I'm not REALLY upset. Just a minor shake. By the time I eat my lunch it will be forgotten. But sometimes I just have to write it - get it out there.

Josh and I are having a weekend at a spa. A couples' massage with wine and cheese follows our day at the indoor waterpark. Then dinner. Then we'll watch a movie in our jacuzzi suite. This is a great way to spend the night before Mother's day. This will be my first Mother's day without my mother. I know my kids will make it nice when I get home.

SO, CHEERS to all you wonderful Moms. Your kids DO appreciate you. You will reap all the benefits of being Mom and Dad to your kids in time. The WAS will not!!!

Barb

[kml]

He just about fell over when Chuck said "Have you met my wife, maggot"???? Bob said he growled all the way home, imagining what must have happened.

Oh, poor maggot, every time Chuck introduces her to someone they make this face like they just sucked a lemon!!!

Must be tough to walk in your shadow, Barbie Girl

Ellie