just came here to post GAL big time do for you and only you actions speak louder than words act like you are living for you you are happy with who you are and that is good enough for you follow or be left behind I love you but won't wait for ever I think you are strong and independent but so am I and waiting for the next level is now becoming less important as I forge on with my life the way I want it to be follow or be left behind catch me if you can I am moving forward with or without you
you want to be independent well so do I you want to be strong well so do I and frankly waiting around for my wife to return while playing at being brother and sister is not my perfect life
trying not to make you angry or negative is not my perfect life watching what I say or do is not my perfect life
and not getting angry with people giving people another chance to make it right dealing with negative situations positively rather than with negativity and brawn makes me an independent and strong person I am not like others I refuse to let the problems of others become mine being negative takes too much energy acting the opposite of what people think I should gives me more power and control over a situation
I do not need to respond like others I have more control over my emotions than that I control me - my emotions do not
I can afford to be kind to other people, I can afford to use logic and commonsense in my dealings with angry people, there is always a solution to any problem and working together with people will help us to find the solution
getting angry and negative is the not the way I am who I am and I accept people are who they are
these are the things that have been jumping around in my head the last day or two these are the all the things that identify strong independent people
maybe you could say that her wanting to be a strong independent person got you thinking lately and you have been trying to come up with a concrete definition of what that is
and then go with the flow put up a big piece of paper and brainstorm ideas maybe if you can work towards a single definiton between you things can begin to move
I read something recently (in a psych book) may not get it word for word but here goes
there are two kinds of people in the world those who look at life the see it the things are and live with how life is those who look at life the way things are yet see how it could be think how they can make it that way
don't know if this helps - just typed down everything in my head as it came
The last week has seemed a little wierd. Maybe like something is changing and we are both not sure how to act with each other. I guess if I had to pinpoint it I think that I spend some good quality time with her in the morning and evening but the rest of the time I do my own thing. I just worry about it a lot less I guess. Before I would go give her a kiss a few times a day. Now I don't. I give her a kiss goodnight and that's about it. But when I go to leave for somewhere she ussually gives me one. I realize that this helps so even when my emotions tell me to go kiss her I don't.
A few people from the distant past have shown up this week. Both of them good friends we haven't seen in a lot of years because of what we went through. Both of them said they were so happy we did what we did and made it. That was nice since most people considered it crazy. And we wondered ourselves. But we paved roads that now others are following.
So last night we went to Walmart for tires. It was going to take two hours so we wandered around. Ran into a friend from over 10 years ago who said he had been thinking a lot about coming to see us. He had obviously been pretty mentally damaged from our parrallel pasts. Had gone through some pretty bad years it sounds like.
So we wandered around and in going down an Isle I saw some interesting chairs and pulled them out into the isle. We sat in the isle of walmart in these really cool chairs for about an hour chatting and watching people go by. Then decided we could probably find even more comfortable chairs in the outdoor section. So we went there and made ourselves at home. We had a fantastic time. Laughing and joking and talking to people that came by. A lot of fun doing nothing.
On the way home she told me how much fun she had and this morning she told me again. She was in a great mood this morning and we sat around crackin each other up.
At five in the morning she told me to look out the window. There was a bright light in the sky. She had been telling me she was seeing this incredibly bright light in the sky that didn't move. We had joked a lot about aliens.
So this morning when I got up I looked it up and turns out Venus is really bright in the morning sky this month at that time.
So I told her that it was Venus. I said "Venus is rising, the goddess of love and beauty is strong now" (In my most seducttive voice) I got a positive response but can't remember what it was.
There have been a few "we" statements today. Future talk We.
So this morning she asked if I would go with her to her parents tommorrow for a family event. There was a hesitation in her voice as if she was nervous about asking. She then made excuses saying it wouldn't take long and such. I of course emphatically said I'd love to.
But this afternoon she left to go up the hill. Said she was feeling a little ADHD and wanted to go do some reading and get away from computers, phones and TV. I said "You can do whatever you want" which is something she would say to me with indifference but I said it with caring. She gave me a nice hug and a kiss as she told me. Gave me a couple kisses on the way out and took off.
So I'm thinking she's feeling a little confusion and needs to get away and think about it. But I think the confusion is her figuring out that she really loves my company and to be with me. Even though I didn't like her leaving for the day I think it is really good. It just feels like some big steps forward the last couple days.
Bj, your advice is so perfect. I printed it out and will work from it. It reminds me of my teacher. My teacher became a very gentle and wise old man. He had a glow in his eyes and the look of enlightenment. He had a saying which has taken on more meaning to me lately. It was simple and it's meaning has changed for me. He said "I'm a nice guy because I can be".
xuesheng, I nearly never post to you, but we signed up here around the same time and I must say you've been an inspiration. Keep up the great work! All the best to you and W in the future.
"When you're going through hell...keep going." -Sir Winston Churchill
you saying I'm an inspiration is quite an inspiration.
Yes I used to read your thread and post in different threads a lot when we first signed up. I don't do much of that any more. Lately it's just been me journalling and BJ and a few others stopping by to help. Both of which help me immensely.
Thoughts this morning:
Yesterday an Uncle stopped by who I don't see often. He and my mom were discussing how much everyone walked on eggshells around my Grandmother (still do). This walking on eggshells around a volatile person has been multi generational in my family. At least going back to my great grandmother. There have been a lot of miserably led lives because of it. I do not intend to carry on that tradition. It was a surprise that my grandmother had been that way with my grandfather who was a very strong and successful man.
Funny thing though, if I break the tradition and then don't have kids almost seems a waste although obviously it isn't.
I've been reading a lot on the MLC board and reading other MLC sites. It would appear very much that a large part of this is MLC. It all matches up to the MLC stuff along with the triggers that tend to start MLC on it's path.
That would certainly explain a lot including especially the duration and slow recovery.
Regardless of the explanation the solution is the same though.
Typos or not, it was full of wisdom. I printed it out so I can read it regularly and keep me on track.
Quote: I am thinking she is extremely confused and may just be trying to work out how SHE can help change this situation you are both in
We always forget that there is another person involved in this too. Yes BJ, that is a very simple but wise observation.
We had a good time together at her parents house yesterday. Her's dad's 75th. Her sister seemed surprised but happy to see me.
We had another third person semi r talk. And again we had differring viewpoints. I really have a hard time telling if those help or harm. They are instantly a bit heated but we drop them and things are good. Really hard to say but probably a bit risky and I'm sure GAL is a much better choice.
It must be confusion as much as she waffles. And of course that causes confusion in me. Must be why they say don't try to figure it out, just fix it.
differences of opinions are what makes us unique and also interesting
so what you need to do is find a way to put the heat out in these conversations and sometimes it can be as simple as saying I really enjoy these conversations we have I particularly enjoy listening to your opinion and though sometimes I don't agree with what you say or understand how you think - I think the most brilliant thing is that we are different people with different ideas and thoughts and that is one of the things I find really interesting in our conversations it would be terrible if we were not so different that we thought alike about everything however - the only thing I don't like is how we seem to end up making it into some kind of mini-arguement (or whatever word you would use) and it feels like one of us has to be right when infact neither of us has to be right or wrong
what do you think (you ask her)
I think she likes to have a different opinion - but maybe just needs to realise it is not win/lose its just a difference of opinion
and I must say that though I am always right a difference of opinion gets me thinking about the way I think and sometimes(when the moon is blue) I have been known to change how I think
Well I have been thinking about your last posts BJ. Thanks so much.
Some things have happened which I feel are significant. It's been good. Things which really make me think about your statement "maybe she is trying to figure out how to make it right"
Something has happened in the last few days which has eliminated our financial stress. We have been working hard and slowly getting our heads above water from the crisis of the last few years. But we got really lucky (good kharmic buil up) and money is rolling in hand over fist and looks like it will continue to do so for a few more days at least. It's enough to get us out of our financial stress completely and get out of the trap. Woohooo!!!
The financial stress over the last few years because of the hard decisions we made has been terrible and constant. No relief. This is the first time we have some breathing room.
So one of those little conversations came up the other day when we were celebrating our new success. She said "yeah you really married your mother didn't you" This was in refference to my wife's former negativity and bitchiness. It was the one thing that has been so obvious. I have generations of negative controlling bitchy women behind me. But I had no idea she had put it together. We both laughed our asses off. Nothing more was said we giggled so much. So this is good, there is humor in those convos.
It's so strange how our outside lives parrallells our marriage. We have a former employee/student who has been going through some rough times. He's like a son. But he is basically right now a walk away son. He's done a few things to show he cares. He showed up and painted our bathroom as a gift to my wife the other day and has bought her gifts. But he keeps himself distant.
He is thinking about going to get lessons from another instructor because he can't face me. This instructor is a bad person and would ruin his training and his spirit., but would give him instant gratification. Can you see the parrallels?
So my wife and I have figured out what it is that got him to this place butthat doesn't fix it.
So she has decided to take it on herself knowing that he would not listen to me. This morning she has outlined her conversation she plans with him.
It's a lengthy conversation about how we protected him and made all kinds of parenting mistakes but no more. If he wants to be an adult then he shall be one and noone will protect him from the consequences of his mistakes. The choices are now his, but if he walks he can never come back.
She talked about making decisions about where he wants to go in life and not always reacting and making those decisions on the emotions of the day. She said she knows he loves us but just doesn't like us right now. Said he needs some time and space to make those decisions but those decisions are final if he decides to leave us.
Now I'm kinda losing my train of thought but the point is that what she was saying is exactly parralel to us and very aware. Whether she is conscious or unconscious of this I don't know.
A few other good things. We are planning on going out with another couple maybe tonight. In the past our Sex life was fantastic when we did this.
She has asked me if I could cover for her at work so she can take a few days off to visit with a friend. The point is that she asked. She has been very she'll do what she wants and doesn't have to answer to anyone for over a year now. This has been a source of problems. She can do whatever she wants I just want her to give me some input on it rather than just taking off at the last minute.
Mornings when we get up I now say "wanna come have coffee with me" and it is always a resounding yes. Before I just kinda lured her there. Now it is what we do.
So she's kinda said it's time to stop waffling I guess Hasn't told me which direction she is going but judging by the evidence at hand I'd say it's in my direction.
My wife is smarter and more aware of things than I have ever given her credit for. I do make sure to give her credit now.
Oh, she has talked a lot about not crossing the boundary of your own morals. How this is difficult but important in life and very defining. This has been a big point lately because of decisions we have had to make.
BTW- her ideals are, she is a conservative who values family values, hard work, and marriage.
