Chapter 22

[BarbieDoll]

My post was not intended to make you stop posting. It was intended to make you see reality. However, you choose not to.

This bb is a Marriage Saving board first and foremost. On this forum, Surviving the Big D, it is about saving ourselves, making a future that has been altered from what we thought our reality was.

We have all tried to help you save yourself. Sometimes an outsider can make accurate observations that you cannot see since you are so close to the situation.

None of us feels you are over your Ex - you were sobbing your heart out over him only a week or 2 ago. To say you are is really not reality. I think you're in denial. That is why seeing your C should not be seen as a failure, but a step in the right direction. Know what? I still see my C once in a while and I've been at it for 5 years. I think its like going to the dr. Get a checkup to see where you're at.

Saving yourself is impossible when you fall into the "victim" mode and refuse to pull yourself out. If you shun all sincere advice because you feel we just don't "get it" then you are doing yourself a grave disservice. Telling us how your C feels you're handling things fine since so much happened to you at a young age tells me that your C is not doing his job. Or you've misinterpretted it.

In my 20s I got married and gave birth to 2 sons. I worked 6 days a week to establish my own business. I watched my H have his first breakdown and make 3 serious suicide attempts. I should have "Clued In" then and there. But I loved him (sound familiar)? He was also dad to my 2 kids. I would hate to see you end up with kids with BF and find out down the road what was to happen. And you think that's all that happened to me at a young age. No girl, I'm just getting started.

My oldest son at age 4 got encephalitis and was in a coma. Transferred to an out of town hospital. Was there for 5 months!!! And I still had a baby, a business and a useless husband. I brought him home, cared for him night and day. He couldn't walk or talk, he couldn't eat, had to be tube fed, had constant convulsions. He also had day and night reversal SO - I had to be up all night with him and awake during the day with the baby. I caught a tiny nap once in a while when they both happened to be sleeping. And H worked. He told me he just wasn't up to coping with it all. And you carry on about all your problems.

Now let's talk about finances. Any idea how one finances their child's serious illness? How one pays for ICU care for months on end? Rehabilitiaton? By working whenever you can. Doing it all. No money fairy came and bailed me out. I got deep in debt too, through no real fault of my own and it took years to pay it all off.

Do you want to be 45 and the mother of 3 when you're H decides you were never really there for him, he had a lousy childhood and he wants to run off to join the circus with a co worker? Take it from me - that's where you're headed.

I've tried to head you off at the pass. Redirect you to something better. You refuse. I just don't get it. Yet I've continued to try to help you get a better life. As so many others here have. But in case you haven't noticed - most have given up and backed off because you DO refuse to listen.

Before you posted about leaving the bb I was going to let you know that I'm done posting to you. I feel bad because I'm no quitter. But you are draining my positive energy. I honestly think about your situation all the time. I've even told my kids about you. I read one of your posts to my daughter the other day when you refused to stop phoning BF and you got so excited over seeing him and eating fish. She was astonished. It was good for her to see this and relate it to her own pursuing behaviour (at times).

I am sure you will see this post as nasty. It is not intended to be. I wish I could get through to you, but its obvious that I can't. When I've posted my frustration to you before, you insisted that you were hearing me. Obviously that is not so.

I ask one thing of you, TMW. In 20 years - please post an update. And remember my advice. If you don't take it. I know exactly where you'll be.

Please don't stop posting on my account. If my posts to you upset you - I will stop posting.

Barb

[qoe100]

TMW,
I agree 100% with Barb. You refuse to listen and get mad when someone says something you don't want to hear. A lot of people have backed off from posting to you for this reason. It's like beating your head against a brick wall. It feels really good when you stop!!!! You seem to want positive reinforcement for some of your actions and get mad when you don't get it here. We really are trying to help you make a better life for yourself. BF's mother seems to be the only person on the planet that wants you to stay with BF.

You know, none of us had perfect childhoods but the point is that at some time you have to get over it, stop blaming others for your misfortune and move on. Your BF will never do this.

I wish you the best TMW, but like Barb, I'm putting way too much energy into this.

[whitelight]

Okay, Everyone just calm down here.

I can understand how frustrating it is to try to change TMW. She finds it just as frustrating to try to change BF.

Let's look at the positive things TMW has going...she has kept her full time job and improved upon it, I was worried she'd get fired and or quit since it's terrible,but no she kept it and has a plan to pay off her debt in 14 months. Awesome!

Second, she did not move out to another apt with BF or into his mom's house. She admits that he isn't giving her what she needs.

THe third positive!!!! Is that she continues to write on these threads. And it is a major positive! If you look at her world it's surrounded by dysfunction, stepdad, mom, BF, EXhusband? She doesn't have friends.

So, please, please encourage her to continue to write here. The progress may not be as quick as anyone else likes, but I have seen progress. And I believe TMW is getting help from these threads. I also believe she's a really good-hearted person and the better off she is, the better off the world is.

I don't know why everyone is so worried about TMW and BF, their R is basically over. Noone's getting married, noone's having kids.

I know that everyone wants TMW to see a counselor for her co-dependency and victim issues, for her to dump her BF who is obviousely not good for her or anyone else and for her to have a great, happy life of which she deserves.

But let's not be too harsh. She may not be doing those things, but...she hasn't turned to drugs or alcohol, she hasn't begun ruining other people's relationships, she hasn't hunted down ex and threaten him, she hasn't quit her job and decided on suicide.

I think since she's been betrayed so hugely by her ex and the support in her world seems largely dysfunctional, I think it's amazing that she is still even functioning.

Can we give credit where credit is due, please? Can we stop thinking about ourselves and how bad we feel that someone's not taking our advice? This is TMW and TMW's thread and I would love for her to continue to write here. CHange tskes time and I'm sorry that it's taking her longer than you want, but she made progress and I believe in her and I know all you do, too!

I know that everyone would love for you to continue to write here TMW. Please give it a shot and continue.

[sparkie]

TMW, some of the feedback you have been getting on this board is coming from men and women who have children who are very close to your age. Some of us may have "been there and done that", just as you are there now, doing it for yourself. I haven't said anything to you that I wouldn't have said to my own daughters (24 & 26). I cannot force my "experience" on you anymore than I can my own girls. All I can do is shed some light on a situation and give you (or my girls) something to think about. In the end you decide what is right for you. There are no right or wrong decisions, just decisions that define YOU and who YOU are.

You WILL find your happiness in life. It will not come to you served on a silver platter, nor will it come from someone else. You WILL have to fight for it, looking no further than inside of yourself.

Once you start loving and caring for yourself FIRST and FOREMOST, you WILL begin to see a different side of life. The black cloud WILL fade away and the sun WILL start to shine. Proceed on your journey at your own pace and the day WILL come when you WILL be able to enjoy life to its fullest!

Good Luck TMW!

[Toomanywords]

Thank you so much white and sparkie.
You both are very wise and wonderful.
As are most people here. But I wanted to make you 2 feel wonderful since you made me feel wonderful.

It may be frustrating that I'm not moving as fast as some people here think I should. I have to do things when I am ready.
It does seem over with BF. It's not official or anything. And things could turn around. Anything could happen. But I'm not going to keep waiting.

I talked to him yesterday, asked if he read what I gave him - he wasn't sure where he put it. He was cleaning his room more yesterday and I guess I kept interupting him. I can understand that a bit. It did really hurt my feelings that he couldn't take time from his "busy" day and read what I wrote and what I told him was important.

I'm not calling him.

SD took me to dinner last night. I vegged in front of the tv most of the night.
The weather is in between - it's sunny but right below 60 degrees as a high temp.
Work is getting a bit busy - and I got a surprising message from the boss lady this morning, "Good job working ahead.

Just hang in there on those busier days."

I'm not really working ahead, so I'm not sure what that is about.

It's Friday, it's a pay day from Borders. I have to work tomorrow . The boss there didn't quite understand my request. He understood putting me till 10 during the week and only 1 day. But I also requested only 5-6 hours on 1 weekend day. I'm still the same 3-11 Saturday. Kinda sucks.

Just sort of blah mood.

[Toomanywords]

Checked my email after I posted. VERY interesting horoscope from Tarot.com

Finish up old business; by tomorrow you'll be ready to start something new. Getting closure on a project or a relationship issue may require that you stick to it, even if your natural tendency is to move on. Tenacity pays off now, for you can discover hidden treasure through determination and persistence.

[whitelight]

TMW,

It takes courage to keep writing here. That's great that you are! WHat a relief.

BF not finding the letter? Aw, sounds more like passive agressive doesn't want to deal with it.

WHy not make a goal. Okay, you got to work at Borders tomorrow? Try to flirt with at least one guy. Doesn't even matter if you're attracted to him or not.

That's great that you helped create more room at SD's! Now you don't have to feel so guilty about all your stuff. Ofcourse, throwing away the Prince Charming statue creates more room, too!



Wow, your boss seems to really like you now! What a weirdo, but take what we can get, right?

[Toomanywords]

Let's see - Friday BF invited me over for pizza. Went over, helped him with his room more. Talked about what I had wanted to talk about. Not much discussion or anything. We argued a bit on and off for the rest of the night. We went up to the bar with him and his brother. Had fun, sang Karaoke. 1st song did bad, 2nd and 3rd went well.
Saturday, I called off work. My SD says he might need some help with all the boats he cleans and some of those people might be looking for someone to clean the inside of the boat. They pay well if I do a good job and I'd make 2 or 3 times (or more) than I do 1 night at Borders. I'm doing well with finances.
And I worked 2 hours overtime at my full time job last week. With what I made in those 2 overtime hours - would take me 6 hours to make at Borders!
BF came over. We talked a little. Later we went to the drive in (yeah, his brother came too). Seen RV and Benchwarmers. Both very funny.
Sunday we (yeah, all 3 again) went out on the boat to fish. I took some dramamine and ended up half asleep. I did manage a sunburn on my face though. Then they went to a bar to watch wrestling last night. I went, ate and then came home to watch Desperate housewives and Grey's anatomy.
I was still so tired from the Dramamine, still feel like I am a bit. It's supposed to last for 24 hours so I could still be feeling it.

BF called and asked me to do these things with him.
Now there is a new issue of his brother being with us all the time.

I don't know what's going to happen, not sure what the next game play is. I told BF that I'm done, that I'm sick and tired of doing all the work here and I'm done. I told him that Friday and it may have made a difference? Yesterday I also asked if we would ever have time alone, away from his brother. He said yeah.
If it's not 1 thing, it's another.

[2ndChances5]

TMW, I am just getting back from a five day horse show... and glanced through the updates. Lots to think about, but for now.... Your post this morning makes me curious about something.

You say "you're done". What do you mean by this? I'm asking, because when I hear someone say "I'm done' it has always meant the discussion/relationship/whatever is over, as of the time of that statement. As in, enough is enough, no more, I'm done.

So when you said you were done, I thought that's what you meant. But then you went and spent the weekend with the BF(?) and his brother.... which makes me realize that you must mean something else when you say you are done. Unless he is no longer the BF (since you are done) but you are still wanting to just hang out with him and his brother? I guess it wasn't "dates" as since he brought a family member.

I'm just a little confused on where you stand with all this. The last time I told a man "I'm done, I can't do this anymore" I did actually see him again-- when he came to pack up his belongings. But we did not go to dinner (with or without his family members), did not go to movies, etc.

Like at the movies, did he buy your ticket? Or did everyone pay their own way? At the bar, who paid?

I wonder if BF is as confused as I am by what you say, then what you do. If he interprets "I'm done" like I would, then he must think you are just bluffing and being a drama queen to get his attention, but not really feeling any fear that you are not going to be there, either to answer his phone call, or more likely, to call him. Sort of like the boy who cried wolf?

Good news on the finances. Wouldn't it be awesome if you could pay your debt off even sooner than 14 months?

[Toomanywords]

2nd - sorry, in context - I'm done working on the relationship. I'm done talking and talking and worrying and everything. I'm done making the plans and making the phone calls and basically making all the effort.
We didn't have much time after I said my piece on Friday to discuss anything, because then of course his brother came in and everything.
The relationship is in sort of a limbo. Since I'm sick and tired of doing all the work and I quit and we haven't really discussed anything. I said my piece on Friday, we tried to talk a bit more at the bar - yeah, that works well. Tried to talk a little on Saturday when he came over, but we were interupted by his brother's phone call and by Sunday I resolved to stick by what I said and I didn't bring anything up. I didn't call him all weekend, he made all the calls to invite me to do stuff. So who knows.

This weekend, we all paid our own way for everything.
Like I said, now there is this big issue with his brother. BF knows I'm frustrated, that I'm angry, that I'm not putting forth all the effort anymore. Not sure what will happen from here.

Thanks for the boost about the finances. I'm thinking, in a few months, about maybe getting a consolidation loan. That way I'd just have the 1 payment, and the debt would be paid off in the set term. And if I had extra money, it would just go to the 1 bill. I don't know.