I guess I saw a little weakness in Ashley's bf as well, but must have misunderstood. I hope that everything stays even and happy through the graduation process and that the "mean" girl keeps away. This should be one of the happiest times of a young person's life.
Well, I must say that there certainly are some great points made here by all of you. I must point out a few things though before I comment on some other things. First of all - Brandon works in customer service at the front desk of a fairly elite hotel. He has been taught how to be discreet. I think he does manage to do this quite well. He knows the owners cheat on their wives all the time. They own a number of hotels, restaurants, strip clubs and even my former home. It is not uncommon for them to bring a stripper to the hotel. My son knows this. He has never had respect for him anyway - but he is the boss. He would never let on what he knew to anyone phoning in. The point you make, SC, about saying something in a certain non-incriminating way is something he does. In this case, though, it was a co-worker whom he did have a lot of respect for. Someone who was about to make a big mistake and I think he hoped to prevent it or at least to let her know he wouldn't cover for her. I still agree totally with how he handled it. He did not tell her H where she was, just that she wasn't there.
AG: I have never told my kids that H's leaving us was my life's greatest tragedy. In fact - it is not. Seeing my mother die last year of cancer was very traumatic and emotionally gut wrenching. But watching my 4 year old suffer brain damage, lie in a coma for weeks on end and lose most of the things one enjoys most in life was by far the worst. My kids don't need to be told how bad dad was. They've lived through it - they've seen it for themselves. No reminder is necessary.
And I think Beth makes an excellent point here, one which Lib has mentioned as well. Chuck didn't make a "mistake". In his mind he did the right thing. And many of you might remember back more than 4 years ago. I forgave Chuck for his "mistake". He had left us cruelly. Moved in for 3 months with maggot. Then, he realized his mistake and came home. And I forgave him. I welcomed him back. I loved him unconditionally. I gave him back my broken heart. And he stomped on it till it bled when he left me again while I was recovering from surgery and it was Christmas. NO - it wasn't a "One Time Mistake" - this was a cruel abandonment. And it has continued since. Anyone who has read my ongoing saga knows that Chuck is not nice to me in any conceivable way. He is cruel. It continues.
I think its best to forgive. I also think its hard to forgive when there has been no admission of guilt. Especially when there is no repentance. But I digress since my initial post was not really about my son's R with his dad, but about his trying to prevent a family breakup.
Lib, don't apologize for misunderstanding my daughter's situation with her BF. Although I love Chris, I have told D a few times in the past couple of weeks that "sometimes boys are just stupid". Maybe a very simplistic way to put it but I'm trying to let her know that they are different. They think and act different than us women at times. And sometimes they are wrong. I sure don't want to encourage her to accept a "cheating" BF. Nope - not good enough for me - not good enough for Ashley either.
Beth: this is a whirlwind right now. We are 3 weeks till dance recital (you know what that is like). Tommorrow is a full studio rehearsal. Next week is critique and photos. The following week is dress rehearsal. Then recital, next night a huge show, 2 days later I'm off to Vegas and D is off to NY with her school (yes BF is going too). One day after my return is a visit from my best friend from out west then I'm off to Massachusetts for a week. Then D's prom, grad lunch, other grad festivities and GRAD!!! Of course I'll have to see good ol Chucky at that one even though he has yet to contribute to ANY of these expenses or last year's school stuff. Such a peach. Ash and I can't make it to the NY meeting next week. She told me today "I should make dad to. He could then see for sure how much it costs and what I'll need for spending $". Hey - I think she's on to something.
SO, busy busy. Brandon hasn't mentioned work in a week since this first came up so life goes on. But thanks everyone for reminding me what a terrific guy I parented.
The more I think about it, the more I feel proud of Brandon-- someone I've never met. I do still think that in business sometimes you walk the line-- but based on his knowing this woman as a colleague/peer, and having a respect and friendship for her-- and very importantly, (and something I missed earlier) it being a situation that was headed to an indiscretion, not one that was ongoing... His situation was one where he did care, and was uniquely in position to make a statement that might cause the woman to reconsider before she crossed the line.
He took a stand, made his position known-- in a calm and rational way. Bravo.
And, my other thought is that while your daughter's boyfriend is being pursued by another girl....what's happening is not all the OG's fault. BF is playing a role, but letting this be the case. I hope Ashley is able to see this. It's too easy to blame the OG/OW. Well that OG has no relationship with, or commitment to Ashley, so she owes her nothing. Ashley's BF, on the other hand DOES have a relationship with/commitment to... so in my mind he is QUITE guilty of letting this BS occur. If he were feeling committed, I think he would put a firm stop to OG's shenanigans. Instead he is allowing it to continue, which is disrespectful to his relationship with Ashley.
I think you're "getting the picture" so to speak. It really is difficult to understand all the details, nuances etc from the written word. It is difficult to write it in the way we hope to convey it sometimes as well. I try, but sometimes I don't give enough info to come across correctly. I've seen it happen plenty of times on this bb.
That said - I agree with you about BF's responsibility to Ashley. And therein lies the rub. When OG/OW started hitting on him, at first he just thought she was fun, he didn't see what was happening. He is 16 and not to totally defend him, but most young guys would lap up the attention. I think that Ash "got it" right away, having seen maggot's similar behaviour with her father and knowing the end result. Trouble was - when Ash tried to talk to Chris about it, she also became clingy and possessive. She phoned him more often than ever. And we all know where pursuing behaviour usually goes. But BF has not really done anything wrong. He seems to have cut off communication with this OG/OW (though one can never be sure). She has not tried to hang with their group. He has started to be the one making contact with Ash again and her "paranoia" seems to be dissipating. So, I don't know absolutely everything. Ash is giving him the benefit of the doubt but she has her eyes wide open. They do have an 18 month history together and it has been blissful. Their R has just been tested. Best to move forward but keep your eyes open. That's the advice I have given her. Hope it works for her. If not - there are other fish in the sea.
Busy busy busy at work. Working extra evenings (like tonight). Finishing up taxes this afternoon as well. Then we are taking Brandon out for his birthday dinner tonight. He has school every other night this week as well as work so tonight is the night. Off to buy and wrap some gifts soon.
Definitely know what you mean. Never thought the demise of my marriage was my greatest tragedy. Thought it was pretty bad, but definitely not the greatest tragedy. It's all relative, I guess.
I was lying in bed thinking that I may have come off as a bit harsh.
I have a lot of respect for people who screw up and later admit it. If a person cheats and them tries to rectify the situation, that's a whole other ball game. We all make mistakes of one kind or another. It's the attitude that cheating is okay if you are bored, marriage isn't going well, or whatever. People just don't seem to take personal responsibility for anything anymore.
End of soapbox. It's my planning period. Gotta get back to work.
Nope Rayanne! I didn't find anything harsh at all in your posts. I found them thoughful and insightful. You have met me more than once - I think that really helps one to see the situation a little clearer at times. When we're together we can talk quite openly about what happened.
And I agree, too, that although the demise of our Ms was VERY tragic, neither of us could say that it was the worst thing that happened to us. More and more I can see that silver lining and although it really is a cruelty to everyone involved, we have not let it define us or ruin us. Maybe someone who goes on about it for the rest of their lives can feel that way. Maybe it is the worst thing that happened to many people here. If so - let me say that I consider them lucky. I hope the worst that could ever happen to me has already happened. But if not - I'm strong and I'll deal with it.
If I recall correctly - the last time you posted to me - you were trying to save my future children from me b/c you questioned my fitness to be a mother.
And look at you - here again accusing my father of adultery...
My father never cheated on my mother. Actually neither my father nor my mother dated after their D. Most Indians have strong extended families - that whole desperate lonely - I desperately need a man thing isn't that common in my culture. Actually it isn't really that common in the professional women circle either.
Truth be told - my work keeps me far too busy to have time to go around digging into people's personal lives, holding court, judging, and executing the "evil doers" of the world.
I will leave that task to you ladies.
If I had instructed the receptionist to hold my calls and tell them I was busy - they would have been fired for disregarding my or another attorney's instructions. The receptionist is paid to do a job. If they want to judge and fix people - they can find a more suitable profession to pursue that personal agenda.
This is so not my world.
Good luck on your crusade to butt into people's lives and save them from themselves.
Just to clarify - adultery is when a person has sex with someone that is not their spouse while they are LEGALLY married. So which one of the ladies that started dating before their D was legal would like to cast the first stone?
It was a mistake to post again - this BB has nothing to offer me - and I have nothing to offer here.
AG: It would have been impossible not to assume that of your father by your post. I assumed it as I'm sure others did.
I don't think anyone attacked you here, rather the opposite. I think its sad that you drew so many negatives from something that I posted as a positive. I think you were the one who read so much into it that wasn't there.
AG: I have met you and I thought you were more open minded than this. But alas - I was wrong. I cannot believe you would say such a thing to someone on my thread who obviously misunderstood what you wrote. That is nasty and I don't appreciate it on my thread. If you feel that we are all do gooders then you really didn't get to know me very well when we met. If you feel everyone on this bb disagrees with you and attacks you I think you are very wrong.
I am disappointed to get up this morning and read this post. If you want to leave the bb - that is your decision but I don't invite you to post attacks on my thread again. I think your C still has much to offer since you are obviously one very unhappy person.
I read a lot of your pain in your response to Rayanne. In her defense, I must respond. Barb has done it well, but I have to add some of my thoughts.
No where did I see her accuse anyone in her answer to your previous post. If you actually knew Rayanne, you would know that her only desire was to extend to you some comfort.
Assumptions are made on this BB since we cannot be intimate with everyone. At times they're in error. To correct assumptions is appropriate.
To turn assumptions into accusations and gather them together with half remembered events and use these "facts" as weapons to come to conclusions about another is definately not appropriate.
It is beneath how respected lawyers are expected to behave. It is therefore beneath you, so it puzzles me that you chose to respond to Rayanne in the way you did.
Rayanne cannot comtemplate purposely hurting others. To hurt others inadvertantly even in a innocuous way distresses her greatly.
It concerns me that in your world it seems that most people are "out to get you" and that you have to protect yourself vigorously against them. Most people are "out to help you".
Although their well intentioned help may be useless or inappropriate, it is not useful for any of us to attack the helper.
Accepting their heartfelt desire to help, and accepting their offered help graciously, sets the stage for receiving useful help and developing valuable friendships.
Rejecting the gentle concerns of others have for our wellbeing only serves to isolate us from the world, reinforcing our sense everyone is "out to get us".
I cannot see how this would be effective.
I choose (for it is a choice) to operate in a world where most people do want to help me. I choose to use my knowledge of myself to accept or reject the help offered, for only I know me and my situation best. I choose to respect and love those who spend their valuable time to offer help, for it is a precious gift given freely, without thought of receiving anything in return.
I'm only going to mention one of your concerns, as Barb and Laurin pretty much spoke to the others.
I never questioned your fitness to be a mother, only your timing. You had just opened your own law office and were struggling with family issues. I thought it might be easier on you if you waited to start a family. Babies take a whole lot of time and attention. Thought you already seemed a bit extended.
It's my planning period. Gotta get back to work.