In a nut shell, my gut feeling was correct. STBXH wanted to reconcile because he has some issues/troubles. He got a DUI the first weekend of March, and that scared him. Also he had to take another loan to hire a lawyer for this paperwork. So he now has three different attorney debt (1 related to his 2004 SA arrest, 2 divorce work, 3 DUI). His lease is up by the end of next month. His work is not going well and he is worried that he may lose his job. Basically, he has no money and he misses my money and our comfortable house and lifestyle. I knew it.
After I learned this (and he confirmed that his DUI incident prompted him to approach me for reconciliation), something big just broke down inside of me. I just feel I lost all of my remaining love, respect, and trust for him. He is a total a$$ and not even worth considering at this point. He is a user. He is manupulative, as all addicts are.
Today when he came by, I was looking at him and could not believe I was once in love with this man. He does not even look good anymore, maybe because of all the drugs he took, or because he has been depressed for so long, or who knows what, but his eyes look so dead. He looks so much older now. His skin looks dead too. He has no expression on his face. Everytime he spoke, his face was screaming "I am lying". Why do I want this??
Tonight I was going through some pix taken before H moved out. To certain extent they helped remind me some good memories and feelings I had for him, but those days seem such a long time ago. And unfortunately, we cannot live in the past. The only thing we have is the present and the future.
When I think of current H and our future, I have very dark and heavy feeling. I will certainly not let him move back in unless I feel we can at least try to work on our M together. Actually, even if, say we start going to MC, I still prefer that he stays at his apartment for the time being. This is to protect DS3's innocent heart. He does not need to know that we may be trying to rebuild our M. Of course he will get excited and raise his hopes way up. Only after a few months of going to MC together and feeling a bit more relaxed, then I may consider H's moving back.
But I am not even there emotionally yet. A part of me tells me that maybe at least I should give MC a try, but another part tells me "you are only fooling yourself trying to believe that H will ever change and become an honorable person - he is manupulative and always ends up using you for his own benefits. Why do you want to waste your time?" This is a horrible feeling, but I really, honestly cannot trust H now. Even today when he was inside the house, I was worried that he may take something from the house. My trust for someone I spent the past 15 years with became this low!! I couldn't believe it! But he truly became, from the trust stand point, a stranger or even worse than a stranger. It will probably take millions of years to rebuild the broken trust.
I do not want to regret, but feel that either way I will regret. If I stay with H, I know almost FOR SURE that I will regret it. Because I can already tell that he is not well yet and will just repeat the same pattern and I will feel like a fool. At the same time, if I D, I will probably regret it at some point, for emotional reasons. Especially if S3 mention something about H, I will feel bad for him and might ask myself if I have given enough chance to try to recover our broken M. Or if I remember good old days, I will probably miss H.
Thanks for letting me vent... I will take one day at a time for now.
Of course H is having all sorts of secret agenda, and now he wants me to sign over the title of one of our car (the newest and most expensive one) to him. He said he would do the same fot the other car for me, but one of them has basically no value (it's 1994 and has tons of mileage on it) and the other one is also pretty old. I called my L but he was not available. H wants to get the car but still wants to go after the house I am still paying. Can't believe how sneaky he is!!! And this man dare to ues his son's name in order to move back in!!! What an a$$!!! I do not want to sign anything. Any suggestions?
Also, since now he has a lot of debt (from his 2004 arrest, divorce lawyer, and DUI arrest) - I know I do not have to pay for his lawyer's fees, but am I going to be liable for his DUI lawyers's expenses, because we are still technically married?
hopingformiracles,I know what you are feeling I don't even talk to H anymore well until today he called and said he would pick up S at 6:00 or so and that he will have him all weekend and I asked if he got the paper from friend of the court and he said no I got mine yesterday I guess it's to dertermine child support payments amount. I wish it had a better outcome but he is so nasty and evil right now that I can't even handle being around him. was you H like that before the D or has he always been nice and how long did it take for you H to come around and talk more like friends instead of enimies.I wish we could be friends in the end but I'm not sure that will happen? I'm really sad over all this stuff.thanks Joa.
It's been too long and I just wanted to update on my sitch.
STBXH put our D papers on hold in April. I did not want him to come home before May, because I knew his apartment lease was expiring by the end of May, and I did not want that to be the reason. He still has a lot of debt, but sort of stopped talking about money. I let him pay his own taxes. All of these were things I needed to see.
Then we started to go see MC this month. We've had 4 sessions so far. I still do not have high hopes, as he still has this "as long as you change we'll be fine" attitude. For example we talked about how he lies to me all the time and I cannot live like that the rest of my life. His reponse was "it's not a big deal". So the therapist had to stop him and tell him that he cannot just dismiss things I value in my life just because he does not feel they are important. I am doing this MC so that even if we get D, we can have a good relationship to coparent our son. I do not have that much fear of getting D anymore and I feel calmer and stronger now. I am doing much better at work too, as I do not have to spend too much time thinking about him anymore, which gives me a great sense of power and independence. I have a lot of friends to hang out with, and I am happy.
If you really love him, stick to the counseling and dont give up on him. We men can be thick skulled, slow learners sometimes, but when we finally get it, it usually sticks. Agreeing to talk openly with a counselor is a major indicator he is willing to learn in my opinion. Stick to your guns, and try to find out for yourself what you will comprimise on, and what you won't. he will have to learn to do the same, and hopeyfully you guys can reach a point where you can have a loving relationship. Read everything you can, listen to all opinions, then formulate your own. No one person's opinion can be right for you all the time.
My wife gave up on me before I figured it out, and now all I want is that time back to try again. I learned just a little too late. Don't quit until you're really ready.
STBXH wanted to reconcile because he has some issues/troubles. 
He got a DUI the first weekend of March, and that scared him. Also he had to take another loan to hire a lawyer for this paperwork. So he now has three different attorney debt (1 related to his 2004 SA arrest, 2 divorce work, 3 DUI). His lease is up by the end of next month. His work is not going well and he is worried that he may lose his job. Basically, he has no money and he misses my money and our comfortable house and lifestyle. 
I knew it. 
He is a total a$$ and not even worth considering at this point. He is a user. He is manupulative, as all addicts are. 