Thanks Rob. I see positives too. It's hard to believe any of them after what I have gone through the past month but I know they are there and probably real. It looks like I may not be the only one using the Ireland trip date as a "line" of some sort. All things point to her trying to resolve this by then. We'll see. I have not heard from her today. Dunno what the day will bring. She didn't come to be until around 2:30am so she was barley conscious when I left at 6:30am. If I know my W (uh, well, that's a BIG if these days) she will bury whatever is going on. I don't have much hope that she'll let me in on what happened last night so I will have to continue to observe and try not to react to what I THINK may be happening. This is hard for different reasons that it's been hard in the past.
Just talked to W. As I thought, today is just another day in happy-land. So I will display some impatience here. If she continues to not address this, do I just let it go or since she brought up the "we need to talk" thing, would I not be out of line to ask? I am, of course, going to give it time to see what her actions are, but IF she goes out at some point, or keeps getting her garage calls, I am back where I started and maybe that would be wrong. Ok. Don't read into anything. I guess I need to do better with that.
So...as I post, she calls again. We discussed some thing we need for the trip and I reminded her that I have a basketball game tonight. "Oh...ok..." She sounded disappointed. Damn this is hard. I don't want to live my life looking for her approval but right now, today, a day when things may be turning, is it a mistake for me to leave tonight?
Quote: Damn this is hard. I don't want to live my life looking for her approval but right now, today, a day when things may be turning, is it a mistake for me to leave tonight?
Absolutely NOT! Keep the plans, go ahead with life "as if". I know how hard that is, considering that you are starting to see chinks in the armor, but you must keep on the path. She will come to you in her own time and quite honestly, who needs "talk" when actions speak so much louder. Trust me, I've heard enough talk from my W, but I've learned that what she says and what she does are two different things right now. Keep an eye on behavior, give it some time and see what develops.
I understand your impatience, hell, I'm impatient all the time, but you have been doing so well here...keep the course and in time she will come to you.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I should have been specific and asked if I should go to a basketball game, the single most contentions activity in our R? I posted awhile back that she used to almost beg me not to go and stay with her for years and finally just stopped. I think that's when things started to change in her. I have cut back (even before this thing) because I recognized that it was damaging our marriage. I am just wondering if it will bring back the feelings in her that I am not going to be around much. That is my main concern. For her part, she has asked in the past few weeks why I have not gone much. I reminded her that I told her I was cutting back and she just said "oh. ok." I guess I should go but I am just so gunshy right now about making a mistake. Go ahead, slap away....
That was a good realization on your part. Yes apparently it did have some effect on her and clearly your backing off of it was enough for her to notice (that makes it a 180). Makes you think eh?
Okay, so yes you need to GAL again...how often were you going out to the games? I am assuming this is something that she did not join you in, correct? Was this a guys night out, did she also have a girls night out before om? What hobbies and interests, if any did you do jointly?
In our sitch, we went out at least 2x a week. Once we got serious into the darts we were going 3x a week. There were times I would stay home one night a week, but generally we were together when we went out. Then Dave had guys night out, which I had to push him to do, come to find out, he really didn't want it, but I've always firmly believed that men just need time with the men to do whatever it is ya'll do. I didn't have girls night out, I just preferred the alone time, generally Sunday nights, bubble bath, wine and my tv shows in peace and quiet.
There is a fine line you are walking here. Too much will be considered too much. Whatever 180 you have done, she HAS noticed. So step back and think about this here. What do you think she feels acceptable? Some women honestly don't go much for their Hs to go out with the guys. That issue should be addressed to, a comfort level between the two with both sides being equally respected. This is one of those times where communication really does help.
Ok. Sorry. My threads go WAY back and it's time to clarify this issue fully. My bad.
I write a weekly column and photograph NBA games for a local paper. My work only REQUIRES me to go to one game a week, and even no games a week if I need to not go for some reason. The pay is not that good but I love doing it and my W knows that. She used to watch with me on TV when I didn't have a game at home. She did go to a few games too early on. It seemed like something she did for me. Actually we both made that kind of effort...ah the beauty of young love. So, I was going to 2-3 games a week when we met and continued that for years. After awhile, she started to ask me every once and awhile to skip a game here and there, which I usually found some excuse not to do. When the kids were born, I did not really cut back, even though she put pressure on me to. She never really came out and asked me not to go, but I knew it was an issue. Eventually, it came out that she really thought of me going to the games as more of a hobby because it did not pay nearly as much as my other work does and while she supported me having hobbies, she did not buy my excuse that "I had to go" to the games because the money was not enough to "make" me do anything. That was about 2 years ago. I started cutting back then, and this season, I have REALLY cut back. I have only been to one game in the last month, mainly because the games either fell after my column deadline, or the team was on the road. Tonight is a little different because when we were at my nieces b-day party, an NBA ref friend (just happens to be the next door neighbor of my SIL) asked me if I was going to be at tonight's game and would I take a couple pictures of him (the don't ever get photos of themselves). She was there and actually answered for me that I would go. I know, this all sounds convoluted but bottom line is that I don't HAVE to go tonight. She will go along with it like she has for all these years but having NO idea if she was planning on talking to me tonight, I don't want to throw this in her face. I suppose I am putting WAY too much significance on this, right?
It seems like in this particular situation it would be ok to discuss going vs not going with your w. I wouldn't consider this an R talk, merely an act of consideration. Just say, " Look, it seems as if you don't want me to go to this game tonight. I have no problem missing the game but I was going to take some pictures of... because he requested it. If you would like me not to go then I'll get some photos of him the next time. It's not a problem either way."
I don't know, something along this line. If she tells you straight up what she wants (which seems to be a new 180 for her) then listen. If she seems to be pulling the it's ok go but uses actions to show otherwise then don't be pulled into the game playing.
Thanks flaneur. She already told me to go but I know that tone of voice. In any event, I am not going. I don't think I can get my spot to shoot from and it just works out better. For the record, recently I have asked her before each game, but she is not one to say "don't go" anymore. I think she's over that. Kinda like me with the physical affection thing. I was rejected one too many times and now I just don't do it. She probably feels the same way, that I won't stay even if she asks, or worse yet, if I do stay (oh and I failed to mention this part) that I would be in a mood all night, something that was the case in the past. Anyway, I am still afraid she will take my cancelation as being done for her sake but I don't really care. It is what it is. I can't worry about those things anymore.
Go to the game. Offer to bring her along. You photographing the game is your time, your thing. Doesn't matter how much you get paid or not, it's what YOU want to do, it's part of YOUR life you enjoy. It's YOUR interest. Keep that boundary. She either accepts or fights against it, let's see which. It doesn't mean you're neglecting her, nor giving up yourself either.
Due to other circumstances (not getting my floor spot) I am not going. I could still go, but there would be no point. I left her a VM to the effect that I got bumped from the game and that's that. The issue now moves to what she thinks about me staying home. I can't really control what she thinks. These things happen.
