I am 14 months into this and appear to be on the road to recovery. We just completed a marriage retreat where the W came away with knowledge that all marriages go through stages and ours was no different. We get along very well for the most part, but as things go well for us, I find myself consumed with anger for allowing my marriage to dwindle to the point where the W found comfort in an EA. I am also quite hurt, angry and disappointed with her that she thought so little of our marriage (19 yrs) that she would resort to such a thing that is so against her belief system. Her total focus was being the best mother to our kids that she possibly could which is in direct contrast because it is the kids that are hurt the worst by an A and the aftermath of divorce. I feel the resentment building in me and still grieve the innocence of the relationship we use to have. So, the question is maybe I have not truly forgiven her or myself or both. I can’t seem to move past this. I have written many, many letters, notes, and cards, to her expressing myself, my feelings, my love for her, and my part in all this mess, but have not received a single written note from her. I know she wants our marriage to work, but I am running out of steam. I feel very hurt and undesirable and like the sun really never does shine anymore. What can I do to reach within her heart?
Well, I'd suggest picking up a couple of books and read them, or get them on audio.
The 5 Love Languages Divorce Busting Divorce Remedy
Those are fantastic, especially the first one. You'll need to do some work and evaluation of your wife to fully understand what makes her tick. Usually we are speaking to our significant others in terms of which have great meaning to us but little meaning to them. It's like a baseball player giving their favorite bat to a hockey player...it just doesn't have the same meaning. It also shows that you don't really know her.
Forgiveness is tough...but the good news is that the path to it lies soley in your hands and no one elses. So with a little hard work and determination...you can get there. I'll give you a few things to ponder, and I'll stay around as long as you're willing to do the work. Otherwise it's a waste of mine and your time.
First, I'd start by taking a good hard look at yourself. You're wife didn't just go have an EA because she was bored. I'm not saying she doesn't have some responsibility here, but we're gonna focus on the things within your control. What's important here is not being right, it's being able to fully put yourself in your wifes shoes and show compassion and genuine understanding. How you can see how she could make that choice. I'm not asking you to agree with it, I'm asking you to unconditionally accept it. One step for you to begin with is to immediately stop pointing the finger and saying things like "she" this or "she" that. I want you to start work on phrasing things in the context of how you feel.
okay, let's start with that. Over and Out.
Nickel
"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy."
I've read the books, and have always been attentive to her needs for the most part. The strain in the relationship started with a dream goal of one of our teenagers that didn't pan out the way all of us hoped for. My W put so much effort and emotion into helping the d achieve this that it was just as much her own dream being lived through her child. Of course I was playing part of "coach" and the W was doing the nurturing and we stepped on each others toes. Saying anything to the d was like attacking the wife, we had the same goal as our child, but getting there was different. So, in order to keep from being hurt anymore, she had to shut down her heart to me and I didn't know that that had happened. At that point, there wasn't much I could do because I was blind to the fact and didn't know how to reach her. When I tried to ask what was wrong, all I got was "nothing" as an answer. After a few months of this, along with the d off to college, I was not emotionally there for her largely because she would not let me. I was just as hurt as she was and had I confided in a close lady friend, I would have had an EA also. I can't help but feel responsible for all this because I was not there emotionally when I should have been, if only I were more persistent at reaching her before the EA started. Now I have this empty feeling deep within that I can't make go away. I don't know if I am healing properly. I think the W comes across as being so independent and "with it" that she doesn't need support, but now I know that just the opposite is true. She has also closed her sister out of her life. I see the internal struggles she is dealing with and am trying to be patient with her, but yet at the same time I am lonely and miss the W I knew. It seems to be a battle trying to put her needs first and finding ways to heal myself and stay whole. Why won't she put her heart and soul in writing on a piece of paper like I have?
