Keep hanging in there. You don't file until you feel it's something YOU want to do. If he wants the D, then he can file. Actually, I don't think you should file because you're not ready and it's not as though you're ready to start another R, so don't file. Also, by staying M at this point you will still have insurance (I assume) which is something you need. I don't see why you have to hurry with the legality of the stitch - just start healing yourself and stop worrying about him. You can't heal him, only he can.
Thanks, Rob, for your thoughts; you too, Imdi. I thought a lot last night about things and the truth is I still don’t want to divorce. The problem is that H. is so unwilling to come back for a trial period, or work on our marriage at all, that I feel my hands are tied. How long can we live this way? He feels I’m dragging this out (because I won’t file), meanwhile he does nothing either so we suffer apart for months. Flaneur, I really DON’T want to file. However, H. and I can’t afford to keep living this way. Our mortgage is very high because of where we live and H is now paying rent and a second set of utilities for where he’s living. I know if we want to get top dollar for the house, selling it this spring is ideal. I have been told that even if we do D., H. would have to continue to cover my medical as part of the settlement. So, my health insurance isn’t something I’ve been worried about. I hope I haven’t been misinformed. I think he’s reached his limit and will probably file soon if I still continue to refuse to do it. I wonder what kind of grounds he can use?
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hey hope- I can understand that you still don't want the D, despite everything you have learned over the past few days. Just be true to yourself and what YOU want. I feel like you do: if our H's want the D, then they should be the ones to file...i refuse to make it easier on him.
No doubt that you are reeling from the revelations this week. Allow yourself to feel the emotions from it. And don't act on your emotions. I think if you are able to find a therapist that you connect with, it would do you wonders. Just be prepared, emotionally and financially (?) for when you have the talk with your H. Make it be on your terms.
As for the medical insurance thing: definitely ask a lawyer, or 2, about this. When H and I met with the mediator, he said that once we were D, i would no longer be covered under my H's insurance...apparently this is a law in NJ. So, just check it out.
There are things in life that, when they are happening, do not make any sense. But, i do believe that there is a reason behind everything. And we might not be able to recognize the reason immediately, but i do believe that one day, it will become clear to us. There is no doubt that life is full of heartaches. But without the heartache, how could we really appreciate the happiness?
Last night, i spoke with someone about this sitch, and she told me that i should stop blaming myself for my current situation b/c i don't have that much power to have caused it. B/c if i did, i would have had just as much power to fix it. And she is right.
Hang in there. You are strong. You will get through this. Believe in yourself and trust that you have been doing the right thing. You are in my thoughts.
Hey hope- I can understand that you still don't want the D, despite everything you have learned over the past few days. Just be true to yourself and what YOU want. I feel like you do: if our H's want the D, then they should be the ones to file...i refuse to make it easier on him.
No doubt that you are reeling from the revelations this week. Allow yourself to feel the emotions from it. And don't act on your emotions. I think if you are able to find a therapist that you connect with, it would do you wonders. Just be prepared, emotionally and financially (?) for when you have the talk with your H. Make it be on your terms.
As for the medical insurance thing: definitely ask a lawyer, or 2, about this. When H and I met with the mediator, he said that once we were D, i would no longer be covered under my H's insurance...apparently this is a law in NJ. So, just check it out.
There are things in life that, when they are happening, do not make any sense. But, i do believe that there is a reason behind everything. And we might not be able to recognize the reason immediately, but i do believe that one day, it will become clear to us. There is no doubt that life is full of heartaches. But without the heartache, how could we really appreciate the happiness?
Last night, i spoke with someone about this sitch, and she told me that i should stop blaming myself for my current situation b/c i don't have that much power to have caused if. B/c if i did, i would have had just as much power to fix it. And she is right.
Hang in there. You are strong. You will get through this. Believe in yourself and trust that you have been doing the right thing. You are in my thoughts.
Imdi, Thanks again. I certainly hope that your situation is going along better than mine. I wish you all the best as you stand for your marriage, too. I am trying to read up on divorce laws in my state; the Internet does seem to offer quite a bit of information. It’s not easy to do; I don’t even want to have to inform myself of something I don’t want to go through with. But, I’m trying to be prepared.
One of the things I feel such a loss for is the friendship/companionship that H. & I shared. After being together for so long, we really understood each other; we would laugh over funny movies together, talk about our day, go places together. All these things that we so enjoyed over all the years are things I deeply miss. At one time, we were truly each other’s best friend. Sometimes I sit back and don’t understand what happened to us.
I guess the truth is that I still have this visceral feeling that there is a part of H. that is still the man that treated me with love and kindness, and that together, we could start over and make a better go of it. I don’t know why I can’t accept anything else.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thank you for your wishes...i don't know how my sitch is going along, but what can i do?
I understand the loss that you feel regarding the friendship and companionship you had with your H. And i know how hard it is to accept that you 2 won't be together. I do the same thing, so i don't really know what to tell you. We are grieving a loss, and like every loss, there is a stage of denial. We are being asked to deal with something that we never thought we would have to deal with. It is difficult to let go of the plans you had made for your life with your H. And although you had a life before your H, what you have known for the past 15 years is a life with your H. When people marry, they become partners, so i think it is only normal to plan for things as a couple. If you only planned for YOUR life individually, then what would have been the point of getting married in the first place. Does that make sense?
We don't know what the future will hold. But, as hard as it is now, you have to try to focus on yourself. You can grieve for your loss. And you can cry and feel horrible and wish that things had been different. That is all okay, if you ask me. But, you also have to try to be good to yourself and take care of you.
There are things in life that, when they are happening, do not make any sense. But, i do believe that there is a reason behind everything. And we might not be able to recognize the reason immediately, but i do believe that one day, it will become clear to us. There is no doubt that life is full of heartaches. But without the heartache, how could we really appreciate the happiness? Last night, i spoke with someone about this sitch, and she told me that i should stop blaming myself for my current situation b/c i don't have that much power to have caused if. B/c if i did, i would have had just as much power to fix it. And she is right.
I don't consider myself a religious person, but I do believe sometimes we just have to let things go and rely that some higher power, call it God, call it fate, call it what you like, will guide what is meant to be. I think that is how you start to drop the rope. You just trust that when you let go things will be OK. It's scary and it's hard to let go but hell, wasn't getting married a little scary too.
Finally Friday. I have vacation next week, which will help me have some time to pull together and feel a little more grounded. I still haven’t spoken to H. since Wed. so I don’t really know if he still plans to come over tomorrow to talk. I would really like to call him today to find out if he is coming by. I did call a therapist to make an appt.; just waiting for her to return my call. I also have a dr. appt. next week. I’m doing all I can to take care of myself right now. When I speak to my H. tomorrow, I am going to tell him that although I do understand why he feels he could never come back after all that has occurred I still do not want a D. and I feel that it would be a mistake to do that. Maybe my H. needs to hear me tell him that I love him, that I forgive him for what has happened and that I believe in us, despite what took place. This is a man who has told me he hates himself; he can’t look in the mirror at himself because of how ashamed he is. He is not making himself happier. At this point I think I need to be honest about my feelings for him so he understands that it is possible for me to love him despite what he did. Maybe he can take that away with him and think on it a while.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hey hope- I'm jealous that you have next week off...we're only closed on Monday.
Glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself by seeing a therapist and going to the doctor.
I totally understand what you are saying about wanting your H to know exactly how you feel. Just be careful about telling him that a D would be a mistake...it might make him dig in his heels even further. Maybe if you said that despite everything, you do love him and that you do forgive him, and that you don't want the D. This is less challenging then telling him that D is a mistake. Just my opinion. You are still letting him know how you feel, without disagreeing with him. I think this is an important difference.
I hope that you are able to relax some tonight (yeah right). I will be thinking of you.
