Ebb & Flow

[flaneur]

Hi Hope,

Keep hanging in there. I have a question. Is there a reason you won't seek therapy for yourself?

[NYsurvivor]

I mean, honestly, what else can I do?... all I wanted to do was save our marriage and H. put every obstacle in the way

All along, there has been not much you could do. All along, the only path before you was to GAL, focus on yourself and move yourself forward. That's really all any of us can do.

When a relationship is as badly broken as it is when it gets to one partner having an affair, it's not so easy a matter to save the relationship at that point. It's more a matter of saving yourself foremost instead of clinging onto the sinking ship that is the WAS.

[RBinBR]

all I wanted to do was save our marriage

This was never something that you could do. It was up to your H to save the marriage, and you have done a fantastic job in giving him every opportunity to do so. Fundamentally, though, it is his decision.

[flaneur]

Dear Hope,

Reading back on the last three posts I imagine you are seething. It probably felt like we were/are attacking you. Believe me, we aren't. What we see is a person in extreme pain and we want to help. We care about you. WE CARE ABOUT YOU HOPE and we know that YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS!

[StrongNSassy]

Hey baby doll...just catching up on your thread...and wanted to give you a huge hug honey!! I am so so sorry to hear all that you have been going through. I was in your exact shoes once. I was pregnant at the time when I got a call that exHs GF also claimed she was pregnant. That was one of toughest moments in my life. I'm still not ready to talk about it, but I know how you must feel. Feeling like everything was a lie for so many years. My heart just breaks for you.

I think NYS has made an excellent suggestion regarding the therapy. I had a friend convince her H to join her in an individual counseling session with her, for her. He did go along. The counselor listened and then quickly realized where the issue lay and started to work with the H directly. It proved to be quite a fruitful session for them both. H did not feel that he was being forced into something, he went for his love of his W and wanted her to be comfortable with their move towards the D and her acceptance. He soon got quite an earful from the Therapist. They are still in MC together now. Separated but at least going through the motions. It would be equally beneficial for you. I know how tough it was on me, sometimes it still hits me, hell reading this kinda brought it all back to me. I never went through T at that time, but I should have. Would have changed the direction of my life forever.

Im here for you...you've got my number. You call me or email me if you need me. Okay? I'll keep checking in on you...but you're in excellent hands here I just think you also need to speak with a therapist as well as a lawyer.

[hopefloats7]

Everyone's kind words help, so thank you.

I am going to suggest the therapy idea to H. when I see him. I hope he will be agreeable. It would be the first right thing he's done in a very long time.

Just to clarify, Sassy, I am not pregnant! (lol) I am thankful for that, at least. That would complicate things even further.

I bought Feeling Good, the book that was suggested to me. I started reading it last night. I do plan to talk to a counselor, even if H. doesn't go with me. I need to find a different one, though, as I don't feel I got very much out of the first woman I went to see.

You know, after 6 mo. of being separated, I really thought that if H. decided he wanted a divorce I would be more detached from things and better capable of handling it. Turns out I don't feel that way at all. It still hurts very much.

Thanks again for the kind words; I do appreciate everything.

[StrongNSassy]

I know you aren't honey...I was just saying that I had been there (ow being prego), only I was prego at the time...it was a very difficult time for me emotionally. Anytime the ow becomes pregnant or you find out about any love child, especially when you find out that so much has taken place that you had no clue about...it screws you up. I don't care what they say, it just does!!

Hey people go through all these grieving stages at their own paces, some of us quicker than others. I don't know what makes the difference how some can just move on quicker than others. It doesn't mean we love them any more or less than anyone else loves their WAS. I guess it may just be an internal decision that we make. If you get a chance there is a wonderful thread that a girl started on Surviving called doing the NEKKID dance and several of us have been posting on there about just being over it, getting over it. You may just want to check it out. Again, it's one of those YMMV. You've gone through a tremendous amount of pain honey...when you know you have finally let go, you will know. Unfortunately there really isn't anything anyone can say or do to make you go through your process any quicker. As someone once told me "You will know when you have had enough." Best advice I think I have ever received. They were right. But it wasn't until I made that final decision could I see where they were coming from. Everyone else knew, but me. I had to find the answers in my own journey.

[hopefloats7]

I don’t really have much new to report; we had no contact yesterday. My sister thinks he is probably ashamed and shocked right now, that all of this is coming out.
I did call the area that I would most likely be moving to and I spoke to the apt. management at a place I am familiar with. They are sending me some info. about available units. Since this looks like we are going to get a D. and I know we will sell the house, I need to figure out where I will live.

Every little detail is such a sad step to take. I don’t think H. even realizes how hard this is for me. He only sees himself being closed in by all the problems he’s created. He doesn’t understand how difficult this is for anyone but himself. I do realize H. has a huge mess he has to come to terms with and I am sorry for that. Even after he told me the other night, one of the first things I said to him was, “What can I do to help you, H?” but he said there was nothing I could do.

The fact remains that I still don’t want a divorce. I just don’t see how dragging it out is going to change H’s mind. I know he wants it. He just doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” to file. What can a LBS do in this case? Is there any hope at all for my situation? I really need some honest opinions right now.

[lmdi99]

Hey hope-
I know how you feel regarding not wanting the D but being confused as to what our options are. I wish i could help you, but as you know, i have no clue what i am doing. Just wanted to let you know that i was here, thinking of you, and sending you positive thoughts.

[PArob]

Hope,

I feel so much for you and your sitch, my heart goes out to you. I really believe that you have gotten some very good advice from the others on here and maybe you need to step back from the sitch and evaluate your next step. IMHO, counseling for you, at the very least, is essential and it would be a plus if H would attend as well.

The decision on whether you want to save this M is ultimately up to you...something that SNS said really resonates here....only you will know when you've had enough. You say that you do not want a D and I applaud you tenacity in maintaining that resolve. That says so much about YOU....you believe in your committment and the value of a strong, loving relationship.

The fact is, right now, probably neither one of you precisely knows what you want. This revelation has both of you reeling....he has so many issues that he must deal with right now and so do you. Yes, there is hope for you sitch, there is hope for any sitch...it just depends upon how much YOU can accept and how much HE is willing to deal with.

Again, I don't know if I am any help here, but I know that you will receive a wealth of information here that will be useful. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.